Two things I like this week:

1) D.O.G.E. targeting DST

I cannot recall a time in the last three weeks when I’ve been this excited about the news: one of the first items on Elon’s and Vivek’s Dumb Ass Shit That Needs To Go List: Daylight Fucking Saving Time!  It should come as no surprise to my dearly beloved reader that if I was a single-issue voter, which I’m not, but if I was, my issue would be the permanent banning of Daylight Saving Time.  It is completely counterintuitive and stupid and I am sincerely embarrassed to be part of a society that still practices it.  Whatever President has the testicular fortitude to Lock the Clock will have my permanent endorsement.

Before you go clutching your pearls or piling into my DMs armed with Farmers Almanacs and the ghost of Benjamin Franklin, here me out if you haven’t heard me on this before: Daylight Saving Time is not just inconvenient – it’s a flaming, spinning wheel of lunacy that ricochets off the walls of our collective sanity twice a year.  It’s the sort of thing I use as evidence that society not-so-secretly hates itself.  Rather than my standard rant on the subject, here are three undeniable reasons why this clock-changing monstrosity needs to be sent directly to hell:

1. It’s the Efficiency Equivalent of Starting a Fire in a Submarine

Daylight Saving Time was implemented with the idea of conserving energy and squeezing a bit more usefulness out of daylight.  Cute, right?  Except, like so much of what people who never had electric light came up with, it doesn’t actually work in today’s world.  Maybe this made sense when people were stockpiling whale oil to light their homes, but now, we live in an age where everything runs on screens.  Everything.  We scroll, swipe, and binge-watch long after the sun has said goodbye.  Studies have shown the supposed energy savings are negligible – like, so small, your puppy’s nighttime zoomies use far more energy.  The whole plan is like a boomer using Internet Explorer – it’s outdated, unnecessary, and always leaves you asking, “What the hell?”

2. It’s a Crime Against Human Bodies (and Possibly Puppies)

Every single time we “spring forward” or “fall back,” millions of people (including and especially yrs. truly) find themselves stumbling around like extras in a zombie apocalypse movie.  Why?  Because that one-hour time shift screws with our circadian rhythms in ways that are downright cruel.  Heart attacks spike.  Car accidents spike.  Productivity?  That plunges faster than my blood pressure after hoovering an Oxy.  It’s like an annual public health crisis that we all just willingly sign up for because, I don’t know, an embarrassingly stupid adherence to tradition by a completely and frighteningly unquestioning society.  To make it worse, research shows pets suffer too.  Imagine trying to explain to your dog why their dinner is suddenly “late” because humans decided to play God with the clocks.  You can’t…I’ve tried.  Daylight Saving Time is literally bad for everyone – creatures and humans alike.

3. It’s as Relevant Today as a Facebook Poke

Can we just address how utterly useless and outdated this entire concept is?  Daylight Saving Time was cooked up back when agriculture dominated the economy, and people needed extra sunlight for things like farming, war efforts, and staring at calligraphy or whatever.  But now?  Most of us work inside, bathed in the radioactive glow of fluorescent lights, where we don’t give a crap about the position of the sun.  Not to mention, a chunk of countries (and some of the apparently more intelligent U.S. states) have already ditched this nonsense because they have finally figured out what we all should admit: it serves absolutely no purpose in modern life.  The rest of us?  We still suffer this bi-annual time warp because apparently breaking up with bad ideas is impossibly difficult for the modern politician.  But with New Mgmt I am optimistic that such pusillanimous lack of backbone is a thing of the Democratic past.

I hope it’s not particularly difficult for my dear reader to imagine a world where the smartest people in the room decide this madness ends.  We’d finally get to live our lives without riding the emotional rollercoaster of changing clocks twice a year.  No more existential dread about time, no more elevated health risks, no more awkward kitchen debates over whether the microwave says AM or PM.  Just, finally, a Return To Sanity™, sweet and simple, like the way it should’ve always been.

It’s up to us.  Write, X, hurl metaphorical rotten tomatoes – do whatever you need to do to support this initiative.  Because this is our chance to join the right side of history and say loudly and proudly, “Lock the Clocks – we want permanent time!”  Honestly, if not for yourself, do it for the fuckin’ puppies.

2)  McRib™ is back!

N.P.: “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang” – Abney Park