We need to talk. I’ll be brief. But I won’t be nice. The time for nice has passed. The situation has gotten so out of control that only unniceness will do. Also, I am grumpy, and you know how I get when I’m grumpy. I apologize in advance for any undue grumpiness, but say also tough titty: something has to be done. So let’s get this over with. Here goes.
I swear to Christ I am going to pumpkin the next person who responds to anything that I say with, “I know…right?” Bam. A pumpkin right to the face. A gourd to the gourd. The “I know” is irritating, but asking me “right?” is downright offensive. Of course it’s right, you nebbish! Otherwise I wouldn’t have said it. Your endorsement is unneeded and unsolicited.
I’m sure you’re suddenly pissed off at me, but save it: there’s more. If you are an American in 2014 saying “At the end of the day,” just shut your word hole and walk away. That expression had achieved shameful cliche status in England by 1998. Just eliminate it from your speech and say what you really want to say. For example, instead of saying, “At the end of the day, I still think that Michelle is a vapid twat,” just cut out the cliche. Hell, cut out the “I still think.” Just be bold and speak the truth: “Michelle is a vapid twat.” Isn’t that better?
Okay. Now for the big one. This one is likely to alienate everybody I know, because virtually everybody I know does it…that’s what makes it so insidious. “It is what it is.” God. This is, perhaps, the most existentially useless statement ever uttered by a soccer mom. I can only assume that what people like about it is that it is a balanced sentence. Someone recently told me that it is Zen. I assure you it is not. It is to Buddhist thought what Hootie and the Blowfish was to classical music.
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