Monthly Archives: March 2020

“What are you doing?”
“Watching the neighbors fuck.”
“Again?  Are they getting any better at it?”
“Not really.  What are you doing?”
“I got a recipe for making pruno in the Instant Pot.  I need to get my hands on some yeast.”
“What?  What’s in the recipe?”
“It says all you need is grape juice, granulated sugar, and wine yeast.”
“What made you think of making pruno in the Instant Pot?”
“A recipe just showed up in my feed.  It doesn’t actually mention pruno…it says it’s just wine.  But how good can it possibly be?”
“Only one way to find out.”
“Amen, sista.”
“I’ve heard a lot of stores are out of yeast.”
“Horseshit!  Seriously?  Bastards.  Bunch of barbarians in this town.”
“But you know what they do have?  Actual wine.  You can just buy wine.  Don’t need to resort to making your own just yet.”
“I’m just exploring the seemingly unending possibilities of the Instant Pot.  Boom…look at this: instant pot moonshine.  Here’s Instant Pot gin.  This is amazing.”
“Oh no…not moonshine!  That’s got to be really harsh on one’s liver.”
“But it’s so good for one’s soul.”
“At the expense of one’s liver.  You seem to be pretty excited about the prospect of making booze in the Instant Pot.”
“I got pretty worked up when I found out it can sterilize surgical instruments.  That’s when I started wondering “What can’t this thing do?  Ima make booze.  Instant Pot Hooch”
“It’s not going to stink, is it?  I don’t want this place smelling like a distillery.  Can you do it in the garage?”
“Oh hell….this says the wine takes 48 hours in the Instant Pot!”
“Is that a deal-breaker?”
“Well, no, but goddamn.”
“Guess it needs time to ferment.  And it will probably turn the Instant Pot purple.”
“That wouldn’t be so bad.  Aw, dammit…the moonshine recipe is bullshit.”
“Uh oh…why?”
“Because the last step is ‘adding the Everclear.’   I want to make booze, not flavoring.  You can add Everclear to anything and call it moonshine.  You can add Everclear to chocolate pudding. Whaddaya got?  Chocolate pudding with Everclear on it?  Nope. You’ve got chocolate pudding moonshine.  Which I just made up as an example but now that I’m thinking about it.  Chocolate pudding moonshine sounds possibly awesome.  I wanna get drunk on pudding.”
“You’re so weird.”
“You’re the one watching the neighbors fuck.  How’s that going?”
“Sucks.  You’d think they’d get better at it eventually, but no…just the same thing.”
“Maybe their cable is out.  I’m going to the store.”
“For yeast?”
“Nah…Everclear and chocolate pudding.”
“So weird.”

N.P.: “Another Brick In the Wall” – Fury Weekend

I lost a bet and had to start watching Outlander today.  I don’t like Outlander.  This is the plot: English nurse in WWII inexplicably wanders into a renaissance faire and finds it surprisingly difficult to leave.  That’s it.  Halfway through season 1 and I’m sitting there, bored out of my tree, and asking myself, “If a dragon suddenly flew out of the sky and killed the entire cast with a fireball, would I care?”  And the answer was a very quick “no.”  In fact, I then started wishing that a dragon would suddenly fly out of the sky and kill the entire cast.  I’m going to give it a few more episodes, but if I still don’t give a rat’s about any of the characters, I’m pulling the plug.
Also, I wrote a bunch of stuff today.

N.P.: “Override (Original Mix)” – Zardonic

Let me say up front that I have no problem with vegetarians.  It’s not for me, of course, but I respect their rights and wishes, just as I hope they respect mine.  But they don’t.  Nor does society.  As a carnivore, I continue to watch my rights and wishes shat upon routinely, whilst my vegetarian brethren seem to only become more precious and entitled about their own agendas.
On an almost daily basis now, some story shows up in my feed about some aggrieved vegetarian who has been apparently just destroyed because some restaurant put a pork chop on their plate or some such.  These are never local news stories, but national, or, in today’s case, an international news story (with today’s aggrieved and permanently damaged vegan having been served something with butter on it in Jolly Auld England.  Today, when there is officially a pandemic wreaking havoc throughout the world and several nations are evidently on the brink of economic if not societal collapse, I have to read about some fucking British hippy who got butter on her toast.  To wit:
A British Airways passenger who requested a special vegan meal was served it with butter and cheese.  Sophie Fingerbottom was traveling on British Airways flight BA288 from Phoenix, US, to London Heathrow.  She tweeted a picture of her VGML meal, which had a “special meal” sticker on it, next to a butter sachet and cheddar cheese triangle.  She captioned the image: “15 years ago I would have expected it, but you’re *still* serving cheese and butter with VGMLs at a time when veganism has never been so popular and well catered for elsewhere.  What happened to quality control and crew awareness?”  British Airways responded: ‘We’re sorry you were given dairy products with your vegan meal, Sophie.  We’re grateful you made us aware of this.”
Which is a perfectly reasonable response.
That, somehow, in this world, is an actual international news story.  What the fuck for?  Who cares?  So what?  Holy shit…get over it.  Why are vegetarians so precious about their vegetarianism?  The non-vegan food in the above-mentioned stupidity was enclosed in individual packaging and not touching the vegan food.  Are you seriously that fragile?  Look…I’m a carnivore.  There are myriad reasons for this, but the top two are these: 1) With all the fragile vegetarians running around eating roots and twigs and bullshit, becoming soft, losing not only their hunting instincts but gradually forgetting how to conjugate the verb “to hunt” all together since such violent words scare them, humans would quickly slip from the top of the food chain down to someplace dangerously and embarrassingly beneath cattle.  And 2) I have heard the screams of the lettuce and the carrots as they are ripped from the ground, torn from the only home they’ve every known, only to be chopped up, cooked, and ruthlessly consumed by hippies who through some perverse mutation are completely deaf to the vegetables cries of anguish.  As such, my entire life has been spent ordering plain hamburgers but being served hamburgers with what seems to be an entire salad bar, not in some enclosed package on the side, but right fucking there on the burger, under the bun, touching the meat.  Literally my entire life.  It happened twice last week.  And do you know what I’ve been told?  For literal decades?  “Oh, get over it…just scrape it off.”  Which, historically, is what I do.  Because I don’t want to be a fragile little snowflake that’s gonna throw a bitch-fit and expect the world to turn according to my specifications every time I don’t get my way.  And that’s with all manner of vegetables actually touching my meat.  I get the impression the fit-throwing vegetarians in question here might starve to death if faced with such a cruel and brutal reality.
Of course, that’s not what happened.  They didn’t just shrug it off.  They didn’t just do a lot of cussing and call the airline abusive names.  Noooooo.  They called up their activist friends at The Vegan Society, who issued Very Strong Statements in the media and threatened to litigate viciously.  “Veganism is not just a diet, but a deeply held ethical conviction that harming animals is wrong, so it can be really upsetting for a vegan to be given animal products when they have specifically ordered a vegan option,” whined Matt Turner, testicularly challenged spokeswuss for The Vegan Society.  “Vegan meals often have to be ordered in advance and sometimes don’t make it on board the plane.  We are campaigning to see a vegan option added to standard in-flight menus across the board so that everyone has the choice to order them.  Vegan passengers should always be able to fly with ease and confidence that they will be catered for.”
It was at this point that, had I been in charge of the airline, I likely would have extended a polite invitation to not only Matt Turner but the entire Vegan Society to toss my salad.  Which is probably, upon some reflection, part of the reason I am not in charge of the airline.  But seriously, again, I face the opposite of this (vegetables served against my specific wishes with my meat) on an almost daily basis, and its not even a local interest story.  Why is this shit in the international news?  Of course the airline said what they had to say: “We take pride in delivering thousands of special meals daily to our customers across the globe to the highest of standards.  We are extremely sorry that our customer has had a negative experience.  The reported issues is being investigated with out catering partner and we will take action to ensure this does not occur in the future.”
Again, I have no issue with vegetarianism…I think everybody should eat whatever the hell they want.  I just don’t understand why an errant wrapped pad of butter becomes a literal international incident with attorney’s and corporate spokespeople issuing carefully worded statements while I and other carnivores are forced to suffer in silence.  #Can’tUnhearTheScreamsOfTheCarrots

N.P.: “Beautiful World” – DEVO

If one were to say that I slept my ass off last night, one would be correct.  I didn’t have a whole lot of ass to begin with, but after last night, nothing.  No way to sit down.  Nothing for anybody to try to kick.  Nada.  And it was totally worth it.  Slept my ass off.
Anyway, most resilient reader, how are things?  Grand, I hope.  Daily life here continues to be positively amazing with The Herd banished to their weird homes.  Virtually every aspect of life is improved.  No traffic, no noise, no endless bleating of idiots and their little opinions, no fucking neighbors or Jesus people hanging on the doorbell, no me answering the door with weapons in an attempt to convince them not to repeat their mistake.  That insipid Disneyland is closed until further notice.  It just doesn’t get better than this.  Or does it?  Let’s see what happens next week. 😉

N.P.: “The Diamond Sinners” – Pig

Kinda of angsty tonight, dear reader.  I mean, more than usual.  Unsure of cause.  Maybe lack of sleep…a deprivation which I will attempt to rectify now.
Stay well, dear reader.

N.P.: “Amputieren” – Wulfband

What a fine day today was, dear reader…for a Thursday?  Yeah…a fine day.
I’ve gotten some mail asking about libertarianism in these trying times, and there are some clearly some misconceptions about libertarianism.  First, it is significantly different from anarchism.  Anarchism seeks to abolish all government and social structure.  It doesn’t work.  It lasts about 17 minutes, and quickly dissolves into Might Makes Right.  Libertarians recognize the essential need for government.  We just think they should play a far more limited role in people’s lives.  The government exists to take care of those who can’t take care of themselves, and to protect the country from invasion.  But outside of those very limited functions, as a person who can take care of himself, I really don’t want to hear from government at all.  And I don’t need to talk about the president, whomever he or she is, ever.  Which has made living in a society where most of The Herd seem inexplicably obsessed with presidential politics unbelievably tedious.  But seriously, it’s just not that interesting.
Anyway, I fully support the measures each level of our government has taken in dealing with The Virus.  Collective threat calls for collective action.  Any libertarian would agree with that statement.
Some other questions I’ve gotten lately have concerned the extent of the federal, state, and local governments’ powers (i.e., “Can they do that?” [re: ordering businesses closed, ordering people to shelter at home, to not gather, et cetera]).  Can’t help but notice the people asking these questions have generally been on the anti-gun side of things.  So it has been my pleasure to tell them that yes, in fact any and all of those levels of governance can declare and enforce quarantines, business closures, and curfews.  State of Emergency, yo.  The federal and state governments (i.e., the President and the respective governors) can declare martial law in their jurisdictions (national for the President, statewide for the governors).  And THAT, I enjoy telling those miserable hippies, is why you really need to STFU about repealing the 2nd Amendment, gun control, and all the rest of it…this is why you need the 2nd Amendment…this is why you should be grateful for your neighbors and friends who have armed themselves.  Because it isn’t happening now, but this is exactly how it happens: there is a perceived national threat, the government freezes movement and suspends all public gatherings, when people start raising voices of concern about sudden government overreach, the government sends in the military and seizes control of the media.  And in other countries where there is no right to keep and bear, the public has already been disarmed, so that’s the end of it: the government and military now have total control over their society.  This Is Exactly Why The 2nd Amendment Exists.  Again, the situation I just described is not what is happening now.  But I hope the present situation shows you just how fast things can completely change.  And it is that speed that necessitates that the public already be armed.  Because by the time the hippies start scratching their heads and asking, “Can the government actually do this?”, it’s far too late.

 

N.P.: “He Is” – Ghost

“Gentlemen, I just wanted to reassure you that we are not only going to get through this, but we are going to get through this with style.  Our hair will make us look like we’re a goddamn Bon Jovi tribute band, and our girlfriends will all probably be pregnant.  But by God we are going to get through this just fine.”

In other news, even though I’m not really working on the books right now, I did some writing on the “serious” one.  So typical.  As soon as I decide I’m not actually going to write this book is when I’ll finish it.

How are you holding up?  I must say, I am just loving the outside world these days.  Enjoying the hell out of it.  It’s finally socially acceptable to be antisocial.  Isn’t it weird how much of the economy relied on extroverts.  I really hope things don’t go back to the way they were.  At least, not all the way.

N.P.: “Deus In Absentia” – Ghost

Spent the day retooling the Writer’s Room for a project I’ll be working on for our corporate overlords.  It should keep us afloat nicely for the duration of the sheltering in place that’s going on, however long that may last.
I hope you are continuing to thrive, dear reader.  Stay home, avoid humans, and write a book.  Or read one…that’s fine too.  Aight den….

N.P.: “Bible” – Ghost

I got a decent amount done today, dear reader.  It wasn’t bad at all.  All of a sudden I’m getting a ton of mail, both E- and snail-.  Is that happening to you?  Kinda weird.  I’ll deal with it tomorrow.
Avoid people, stay home, and be extra nice to any first responders you may happen to come in contact with.  [Editor’s note: this advice holds true and applies to any given moment, not just during the plague.]

N.P.: “The Serpents of Eden” – Dawn of Ashes

What’s up, partially quarantined yet still suave reader?  Things remain entirely pleasant here.  Nobody coming to the door looking for money or peddling Jesus.  No noisy traffic on the streets outside twice a day.  Also worth noting: a precipitous drop in suicide bombings around the globe.  With public gatherings prohibited, suicide bombers are just regular old suicides.  No mass shootings either.  Several years ago (it was just after the Vegas thing on Halloween) I said in all seriousness that the way to effectively eliminate terrorism (foreign and domestic) immediately would be to eliminate public gatherings of any significant size, and to greatly reduce both the number of flights as well as the number of passengers on those flights.  People laughed and scoffed…like openly, as if I’d suggested the magical unicorns would save us from terrorists.  Well, a couple years later, and here we are.  Not to say I told you so, but no gun control laws did this.  The Second Amendment is perfectly in tact and just as in force as it ever was.  The moral of this motherfucker is (and you can quote me on this): “As a society, we have zero control or ability to predict the behavior of individuals.  But we can easily control giving terrorists and mass shooters ludicrously easy targets.
Okay, most resilient reader…I’m going try to get some words in on a couple other projects.  Stay well, avoid The Herd, and take no shit.

N.P,: “On Fire” – Moann Exis