Category Archives: Reader Mail

Reader Mail.

Dear Jayson,
Are you aware of any laws regarding the number of times one can drive around a traffic circle without driving on in one direction or another?  Does that make sense? Like, you know traffic circles, right? So you’ve got to drive around part of the circle and get of at whatever outlet leads to your destination.  But can you just drive around the thing multiple times, or is that against the law?  It must be against the law, otherwise people would do it all the time. Like a victory lap or something.
Thnx,
Guccci Dome

What’s crackin’, Mr. Dome,
This is perhaps the best question I’ve ever gotten.  And thus is one that truly deserves an answer.  I called my attorney this afternoon to get an official “legal” answer, but he just called me names and lectured me about the time difference between California and Israel.  And so much for all that.  I’m afraid, Gooch…is that cool, if I call you Gooch?  I’m afraid, Gooch, that we’re left with one option: there is one of those insipid traffic circles in Old Town Anhedonia, so tomorrow afternoon, I’m going to break off whatever writing I’m doing and I’m going to climb into the Panty Dropper, head to Old Town, enter the traffic circle, and Go For It.  The traffic circle is in full view of APD Headquarters, so I’m guessing that if there is some arbitrary limit to how many times one may go around a traffic circle without exiting, Anhedonia’s Finest will let me know.  I will let you know of my findings tomorrow.

N.P.: “Trick or Treat” – Grace

Hey JG,
Just curious, do you kick your pets out of the room when you masturbate?  Why or why not?
Thanks,
Rusty

Hey Rusty,
Just curious…why would you masturbate if you have pets?
Sorry, dude…couldn’t help it.  Too easy.
JG

N.P.: “Galileo” – Puscifer

Hey Chief,
You said the other day that you had to choose from like a hundred something candidates and that you thought they were all batshit crazy. So did you just not vote for President?
Yers in Christ,
Doug

Hey Doug,
I wrote myself in. I always do that. Been doing that for decades. Kinda like buying a lottery ticket…who knows? This just might be the year when everyone comes to their senses and decides I’m the only person remotely qualified to lead this magnificent country the way it needs to be lead, into the 20s and beyond. I know I got 5-6 other votes, and I did exactly zero campaigning and spent no money. Not bad.

N.P.: “Emotional Rescue” – The Rolling Stones

I’ve been asked to list three things I did today.  Here goes:

  1. Drove at over 100mph on the deadliest freeway in the country.  Twice.
  2. Made a serial killer laugh.
  3. Made buffalo sauce from scratch.  And I put whiskey in it.  #Gettin’DrunkOnWings

N.P.: “Weird Beard” – Mad Caddies

Reader mail.

“Strong woman here..
I am not a “disgrace to women” because I don’t support the women’s march. I do not feel I am a “second class citizen” because I am a woman. I do not feel my voice is “not heard” because I am a woman. I do not feel I am not provided opportunities in this life or in America because I am a woman. I do not feel that I “don’t have control of my body or choices” because I am a woman. I do not feel like I am ” not respected or undermined” because I am a woman.
I AM a woman.
I can make my own choices.
I can speak and be heard.
I can VOTE.
I can work if I want.
I control my body.
I can defend myself.
I can defend my family.
There is nothing stopping me to do anything in this world but MYSELF.
I do not blame my circumstances or problems on anything other than my own choices or even that sometimes in life, we don’t always get what we want. I take responsibility for myself.
I am a mother, a daughter, a wife, a sister, a friend. I am not held back in life but only by the walls I choose to not go over which is a personal choice.
Quit blaming.
Take responsibility.
If you want to speak, do so. But do not expect for me, a woman, to take you seriously wearing a pink hat on your head and screaming profanities and bashing men.
If you have beliefs, and speak to me in a kind matter, I will listen. But do not expect for me to change my beliefs to suit yours. Respect goes both ways.
If you want to impress me, especially in regards to women, then speak on the real injustices and tragedies that affect women in foreign countries that do not that the opportunity or means to have their voices heard.
Saudi Arabia, women can’t drive, no rights and must always be covered.
China and India, infantcide of baby girls.
Afghanistan, unequal education rights.
Democratic Republic of Congo, where rapes are brutal and women are left to die, or HIV infected and left to care for children alone.
Mali, where women can not escape the torture of genital mutilation.
Pakistan, in tribal areas where women are gang raped to pay for men’s crime.
Guatemala, the impoverished female underclass of Guatemala faces domestic violence, rape and the second-highest rate of HIV/AIDS after sub-Saharan Africa. An epidemic of gruesome unsolved murders has left hundreds of women dead, some of their bodies left with hate messages.
And that’s just a few examples.
So when women get together in AMERICA and whine they don’t have equal rights and march in their clean clothes, after eating a hearty breakfast, and it’s like a vacation away that they have paid for to get there…
This WOMAN does not support it.”

Reader Mail (Continued).

Hell to you Jayson and everyone who can look on my bolg to see it, I am back of back injure and get better, now I am here to tell you on it what am I do? Huh? What can I do on it to change a world even when not doing puches and kicks? It can make me think.

So when I am back injure and laying on a bed with Jonny bring me drinks and play video games to show me, I am think about doing more writings and maybe even write a good movie.

Okay now a big surprise, to show you a movioes I am writig! I tell you a names of any movies I am write, then tell you a type of movies, then I tell you about a movie and what can it be?

Movie #1:
Love On A Fist
(Dramas/Romantic)
Remember a time of love. It is forever, and you will always have a fist to show it.

Movie #2:
Fist Fever
(Danceing)
Dance forever in a heat of town. They can never stop it if you dance forever in a heat of town.

Movie #3:
Fist Of A Killer
(Horro)
On a fist of horrors, you will die if you wanna come.

Movie #4:
Love On A Fist 2: Fist Of A Killer
(Dramas/Romantice)
Remember a time of love. It will die now, because it cannot live forever. A killer have a fist to show it, and you gonna die now.

Movie #5:
Killfist
(Action)
There is a guy. He have a fist and he can kill you. Watch out, Wolly.

Okay! I am exciting to make a molvie and show any person of a world who can wanna see a good movie!

Soon I am show you a part of scrips that I am write! So you can read of a movie to know it can be good!

_____________________________________________________

Wow, man.  You certainly have a lot of ideas.  And I’m sure every last one of them will be made into feature length films.  I’m not sure that I can bring anything to your table, here, movie-making-wise.  I’m pretty focused on this other screen-writing thing I’m doing right now, updating Dr. Seuss’s entire oeuvre into adult versions of the story.  Right now we are in pre-production on “Horton Hires a Ho.”   It is a grand, grand tale, my friend…perhaps the most intriguing thing I’ve worked on since that pop-up version of my first book that I did for the kids in Belarus.  Anyway, best of luck….

Do! Nuts!

Reader Mail.

Dear Mr. Jayson,
Hellos, I a big fan of anger, also fan of sun of destroy, just like you Mr. Jayson.  I like hangbang book, and we should make movie.  I am tell you I write a movies now, and I can make it good. And also I like fight.  I teach, talk, and tell of fight at my blog.  See my picture.  Is good to talk to you becows you strong of fight, say “Fucks!” and do good with strongs.  Don’t even take a shit if you don’t have to!  Sometime a people take a shit cause to be friends with you, I don’t like that, l like fight hard style, and so I like you.  Any kid I see, I tell , no no don’t take a shits for anyone, only GIVE shits, and see futures in balls.  Ma all the gods of furious strong be with you as you crunch opponents, and live like a windrammer as you fuck.  
Goodbye,
Jonny
Windrammer
_____________________________________________________
Dear Jonny,
Hell yes, man: let’s make a movie.  I like fight hard style too, so I’m sure we’ll get along great.  How do you want to shoot this thing?
Have your people call my people,
Jayson

Some Reader Mail.

I am just over two (2) years behind in responding to my reader mail, and today seemed like a reasonable enough day to delve into the pile, so here goes.
This first letter is from Guadalupe, whom, in addition to supplying the mandatory picture:
3_115
also writes, “Who are your top ten favorite fictional characters?”
Oh, hells bells, Guadalupe…you mean other than myself?  Not that I’ve ever bothered to think about it, but now that I do, I guess no one, really.
We kid, of course, Guadalupe.
Okay, off the top of my head (my shrinks are going to go apeshit over this), in no particular order (except for the first two):
10. Kurtz
That’s it.  Do with it what you will.
All right…back to it.

Reader Mail

Ten days into 2014 and thus far I am simply putting it to the items on my New Years Resolutions list. Things like drinking (last year I could dispatch 3 Jack and Cokes in rapid succession without displaying any effects of inebriation such that anyone notices…I think this year that number should grow to 5), and pornography (I should be producing far more than I have been recently) have been dealt with handily. At this rate I am on track to have all of my resolutions completed by the end of the month.

One of my resolutions is to finally start replying to some of the reader emails that have been darkening my inbox for over a year now.

Getting “fan” mail has always been far and away the most interesting part of being published. The morning after my first story was published on Salon.com, I woke to find 53 emails waiting for me (previously, any more than 5 emails in a day would have been considered hectic). The first letter in the queue was from the United Arab Emirates. It was a very simple yet wonderfully mystifying note which read, “can you get white women make fuck us so happy.”

Ever since that moment, I have had a deep and abiding admiration and love for my readers. Soon people were attaching nekid pictures of themselves. Then came the videos. Then someone sent me a finger. Indeed. Continue reading →