TRANSCRIPT OF PHONE CALL BETWEEN BARACK OBAMA, PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND JAYSON GALLAWAY, 29 SEPTEMBER 2014, 15:07h.
J.G.: Mmmmm…damn phone…mhello?
B.O.: Are you watching this?
J.G.: Goddammit…am I watching what? Who is this?
B.O.: It’s the President.
J.G.: Mr. President? Oh shit. I’m sorry. I’m taking a nap, sir. Wow, I haven’t heard from you since….
B.O.: Turn on CNN!
J.G.: Hold on, sir.
B.O.: You got it? Is it on yet?
J.G.: Judas Priest! Give me a second. This better be good, sir.
J.G.: What? Four? Sir, what are you doing?
J.G.: Oh no.
B.O.: Just nine holes.
J.G.: It just looks bad, sir. You know, what with the world falling apart and everything.
B.O.: Look, I don’t need a lecture from you about optics…just turn on your goddamn TV.
J.G.: Aw shit.
B.O.: What is it?
J.G.: My cable got shut off again, sir. Son of a bitch.
B.O.: Okay, listen, my secret service detail quit.
J.G.: What? Quit? What do you mean, sir? They left?
B.O.: And the Capitol Police. No, they didn’t leave…they’re just not working. I mean, they’re all still standing around here, pretending to be working, I guess, but they’re not doing anything. People are just fucking walking into the White House now. Apparently one dude came running in with a knife, ran right into the and went running straight for the East Room screaming about wanting to behead me, and no one did anything about it. No one even said, “Stop.”
J.G.: That can’t be true. If nobody did anything, what happened? Is he still running around in there?
B.O.: You know how we have that really deep shag in there?
J.G.: Yes sir.
B.O.: Dude tripped on the carpet. Hit his head on the edge of the table. Knocked himself out.
J.G.: You’re shitting me.
B.O.: I’m crapping you negative, cracker.