Art by Tasty Piece,©️ The Safehouse Collection 2021
From a Yelp™ review of a hotel I was considering in Tijuana:
“Good Jesus, this place absolutely reeks! The carpet smells like a tuna melt with a side salad of shit. It smelled so bad, I couldn’t even see.”
I confess, I’m intrigued.
N.P.: “Middle of Nowhere (feat. Chad Kroeger)” – Big Wreck
I don’t really watch TV anymore, but I’ve had the misfortune of walking through rooms with TVs on at the exact time the Jimmy “J.J.” Walker Medicare ad airs. God above, he is an odd looking fellow. It’s starting to really get to me. Something about the weird way be moves his arms…he’s kind of like a black Crypt Keeper. I don’t ever want to see that commercial whilst in an altered state: that would be Too Much.
This wretched heat and smoke are probably the cause of this sudden hypersensitivity to Jimmy Walker. It’s 115°F every goddamn day, and the air is so thick with smoke…it’s like a bad day in Burma out there, day after day. It’s awful. I watched an entire rafter of turkeys melt on my driveway yesterday. Good Christ, dear reader…have you ever watched wildlife melt? It ruined my entire day. Even the lizards and snakes are seeking shade these days. If I don’t lower my brain temperature soon, things could get truly weird.
Of course, I could double down, point the Panty Dropper south and punch it til I’m in Tijuana, even closer to the equator. I couldn’t go last year due to The Virus, but this year, The Virus can kiss my ass. I am full of vaccine and consumed by a ravenous thirst for all of the tequila hecho en Mexico. I’ll have to do some dialing and see if there will be bullfights in August as usual, or are our southern neighbors still being plagued by the plague? I may need to break my now-seven-month moratorium on the news. Nah, fuck it. Fuck the news.
N.P.: “Treat Her Right” – Billy Gibbons And The BFG’s
RIP Dusty Hill
N.P.: ” Sharp Dressed Man” – ZZ Top
Viewership of the Olympics in the United States is down 40%. Turns out Americans find it more entertaining to watch people bid on abandoned storage lockers than watch a bunch of entitled talentless woke ingrates fail shamefully at doing their job, which job consists entirely of putting a ball in a hole. I believe I speak for most Americans when I say I’m glad they lost. I hope they continue to lose. Regardless, nobody’s watching. Because nobody cares.
N.P.: “Kill My Baby” – Nick Curran and the Lowlifes
I don’t often call for entire athletic teams to be shot, but when I do, it’s not without solid justification. And it is always what would ultimately be best for all parties concerned. What the fuck is wrong with the U.S. Women’s Soccer Team? Having announced their boycott against scoring goals “until racism is defeated,” the team, evidently finding itself with nothing to do, decided to bitch about equal pay. These idiots, ignoring the lessons learned by Google and the State of California, and claimed that they were being discriminated against because of their gender on the issue of pay. The truth is that they been offered the exact same pay structure that the men’s teams uses, but rejected it. The team is appealing Judge Gary Klausner’s ruling: “The WNT (women’s national team) was willing to forgo higher bonuses for benefits, such as greater base compensation and the guarantee of a higher number of contracted players. Accordingly, plaintiffs cannot now retroactively deem their CBA (collective bargaining agreement) worse than the MNT (men’s national team) CBA by reference to what they would have made had they been paid under the MNT’s pay-to-play terms structure when they themselves rejected such a structure.”
After the women’s team appealed the ruling, the U.S. Soccer Federation (USSF) weighed in, supporting the judge’s finding: “The District Court rightly noted that the Women’s National Team negotiated for a different pay structure than the Men’s National Team, and correctly held that the Women’s National Team was paid more both cumulatively and on an average per-game basis than the Men’s National Team.”
With that, the U.S. women’s national soccer team has finally admitted that they are paid the same if not more than the U.S. men’s national team.
So ladies, can we maybe relax on the fictional grievances and win a fucking game?
And when you do, perhaps share the secrets of your newfound success with with your woke moronic teammates on the U.S. Men’s Olympic Basketball Team who were quick to join your Boycott Against Victory Because Somebody Told Me I Was Racist campaign by being humiliated by France in the opening game. It was the first time the U.S. team had lost since 2004.
Why the fuck are these people even there? They disrespect the country they’re allegedly there to compete for, then they get trounced. The players evidently have no particular talent or skill and the coaching staff seems to be completely incompetent. When I talk about how crushingly disappointed I’ve become with Americans, these are the shitbags I’m talking about.
N.P.: “Vehicle” – The Ides of March
Spent most of today going through emails and messages. Merciful Christ! I am literally years behind. Barely made a dent today.
N.P.: “Bruce Lee – Ricks 1st Dobro Mix
Today was unexpectedly hectic.
N.P.: “Doctorin’ The Tardis” – The Timelords
It’s been over six months since I watched or read the news, dear reader, and it’s been a more dramatic change than I could have imagined. The improvement in my mood and world view were immediate and predicted. What has been truly weird is the total disconnect that now exists between me and pretty much everyone else. Even the most casual conversation leaves me feeling completely bewildered, having sincerely and literally no idea what anybody is talking about. It’s like being in The fucking Matrix. One of the most legitimately depressing experiences in recent memory has been seeing the degree to which Americans are almost completely controlled by the American media. Holy shit, dear reader…they are enslaved. To a truly frightening extent.
Do yourself a favor, dear reader…tune out. Only concern yourself with the politics within your home. Turn off the fucking news. Then start avoiding TV altogether, or at least the commercials. Read a book. Paint. Think! For yourself!
N.P.: “Here I Come” – Buckcherry
Thrilled to hear racist Jeff Besos launched himself into space in a gigantic dildo. Finally. So many of my dreams have been coming true lately, it seemed like just another one off the list: one of the great assholes of our time, hurling himself into the void. I mean, it wasn’t even my birthday. I was subsequently crushed to learn that racist Jeff Besos returned to earth. Alas. Maybe next time. Fingers crossed. Virtue-signaling, hypocritical prick.
N.P.: “Cut Ya Down” – Eli “Paperboy” Reed
Most sports are stupid, but soccer is the stupidest of all. And without a doubt, the most useless soccer team in the entire stupid world of sports is the U.S. Olympic women’s team, whom, judging by today’s performance, spent their entire training season whining and bitching about politics and how they feel about it and which pronouns to call each other and a bunch of other irrelevant bullshit no one gives a fuck about, rather than learn how to kick, how to pass, or even how to score a goal.
The U.S. women’s team announced their cowardice and stupidity before the game even started by kneeling moronically, for the national anthem, disrespecting the flag of the country they are allegedly competing for. [Pro-tip: doing this makes you look like an absolute idiot. If you have such a significant problem with a certain country, why not compete for another country? If things are so bad that you must actually protest, then refuse to try out for the Olympic Team. Then hold daily press conferences and openly laugh as the team flounders without you. But in order for that to be effective, you have to be so good that your absence would be at least noticed, and no one on the U.S. women’s soccer team has even basic skill, let alone is “good.”]
Once the game started, the Swedish women’s team seemed genuinely confused as the U.S. team continued to kneel even after play had started. “It was weird,” said Inga Svernbirg, goalie for the Swedish team. “After the first two minutes of play, coach pulled me out of the game totally. He said, ‘You might as well sit down and rest…save yourself for the Italians…they’re a real team.'”
Indeed the entire sporting world was as confused as the Swedes as the Americans remained on their knees for the duration of the “game,” allowing three quick goals in rapid succession by their bored Nordic opponents. “It was like shooting puppies,” continued Inga. “We were embarrassed for them. When it became obvious that they didn’t even seem to know how to play soccer, we decided it would be less humiliating if we just spent the rest of the game fisting them. So that’s what we did.”
Viewers around the world reacted with glee, outrage, and everything in between as they watched the Swedish team fist the U.S. team, sans lube. The Swedish coach fisted the U.S. coach. At one point, the Swedish coach had her arm so far up whatever hole in the U.S. coach that she seemed to be making him talk and dance like a puppet. Even the Swedish television crew got in on the fun, fisting the commentators and crew from NBC. “They don’t even respect their own country, why should we respect them,” said a Swedish cameraman who was elbow deep in NBC’s Mike Tirico.
The American coach was rather taciturn at the post-game presser until he was asked to explain his team’s humiliation on the world stage, at which point, he became unhinged and apoplectic: “What the fuck do you want me to do?! Not one of these idiots knows the first thing about competing, let alone winning. You, shitty American parents, raised them playing soccer without keeping score! Sports with no score! Because they were, apparently, too fragile and weak to be asked to artfully deal with such brutal concepts as loss and failure. And now you have the audacity to act surprised and get mad at me when all they know how to do is kneel down before an opponent and get fisted. These idiots are amateur nobodies who are incapable of scoring a single fucking goal and they have the unmitigated gall to think anyone gives the slightest shit what you think about anything! You need to win a fucking game first! Holy shit. Anybody knows this: you win the fight, then you dedicate the fight to your dying mother. If you dedicate the fight to her before the fight and then you lose, you just killed your mother. Fuckin’ idiots. I’ve had enough. All of you can go fuck yourselves: I quit!”
A survey conducted by this website this afternoon found that the majority of Americans now support having the entire team (including coaching staff) shot, stripped of their citizenship, and deported.
N.P.: “Log Bomb” – Bob Log III