Art by Tasty Piece,©️ The Safehouse Collection 2022

One of the more egregious of the myriad stupidities plaguing our society, that being the insipid Daylight Saving Time, ends tonight. “We get to sleep an extra hour tonight,” cry the cretins interviewed on the local news. No, you don’t. No time is either gained or lost in this farce…time remains unchanged. Just as sticking feathers up your ass doesn’t make you a chicken, nor does setting the clock to some new time do anything at all except increase the number of heart attacks and traffic accidents, cost hundreds of millions of dollars in lost productivity, and generally piss people off.

This stupid tradition dates back to when we were an agrarian society and it was thought that an extra hour of daylight would mean more time to work in the fields. Now, not only are we not an agrarian society, but most people don’t even work outside. And for those that do, it’s not like they’re going to be able to work an extra hour because it’s light out longer. It doesn’t matter if it’s light out until 10pm if you have to be at work at 8am.

Daylight Saving Time is a holdover from a simpler, dumber time. Knock it off.

N.P.: “Swamp” – Talking Heads

Art by Tasty Piece,©️ The Safehouse Collection 2022

I met up with a friend who recently decided to move to Fecal Creek. So, natch, we wanted to figure out how close we’d be living to each other, so I reminded him of the exact address of the Safehouse, and he looked it up on Google Maps. The results showed that his place is 2.5 miles from me, but it’s really less than a mile away from Point A to Point B. When he saw the search results, he said, “Two and a half miles? It seems a lot closer than that…maybe a mile as the crow flies.” Well, what the hell does that mean? I mean, I know what it means, but what relevance does it have to me? I’m clearly not a crow, nor am I capable of flight. I don’t give a fuck how long it would take me to get there if I was a goddamn bird. “As the crow drives” would be much more accurate, but of course completely absurd as I would never ever let some random crow behind the wheel of the Panty Dropper. How about something I could actually use, like “as the drunk stumbles.” I know exactly how far that is. “As the pelvis thrusts” might work. Measure distances in the number of pelvic thrusts it takes cover them. I do occasionally navigate from room-to-room via pelvic thrusts, usually when I’m in a particularly good mood. So as weird as it is, “as the pelvis thrusts” is significantly more useful to me than “as the crow flies.”

“As the junky sweats,” “as the pervert leers,” and “as the schizophrenic mumbles darkly,” would all also be decidedly more helpful than “as the crow fucking flies.” It is worth noting that I am neither a junky, nor a pervert, nor a schizophrenic. And I’m not a drunk either, but I can relate more closely to any of those categories than I can a goddamn crow.

N.P.: “They Came In” – Butthole Surfers