My name is Jayson, and my triggers are white light and the sound of other people’s voices.  I demand accommodation.

N.P.: “Sad But True” – St. Vincent

As I continue to labor away on writing the most offensive and triggering book I can possibly create, Mgmt wants to be more active on social media.  This is, of course, a ludicrous idea, which is exactly what I told them on our morning call.  After all, my utter contempt for social media is well known: after a few initial years of being a great idea for connecting people in the digital world, it quickly and brutally descended into (to paraphrase OWK) the most wretched hive of scum and villainy since the United Nations.  And that was before every one of the major social media companies began colluding directly with the corrupt federal government of the United States to stifle and control any speech or opinion not approved by the regime.  And I’m being asked to join the joke…to wander into this cacophony of ignorance, lies, and virtue signaling, and what…be clever?  Fuck no, thank you very much.  My actual reply didn’t include the “thank you very much” part.

“But surely you can find one social media trend you don’t hate,” was Mgmt’s reply.  “Just one…just this week.”

Honestly, I’ve been so disengaged from the leftist echo chamber of social media that I don’t even know any of the recent trends.  I remember, for instance, “Throwback Thursday” (#TBT).  Oh joy, another chance for people to share their sepia-toned memories of that one time they something vaguely interesting.  Yes, Karen, we remember when you went to Bali.  Yes, those were monkeys.  No, we still don’t care.

“Yeah, I don’ think people really do that anymore.”

Wasn’t there something called “Motivation Monday”?  Because nothing screams motivation like a badly photoshopped quote slapped over a stock photo of a fucking sunrise, right?  Here’s an idea: how about we motivate ourselves not to partake in such banal cliches?

“They’re not doing that one anymore either.”

Seems like these things don’t last.  What happened to that bullshitty #bringbackourgirls thing that Michelle “Big Mike” Obama and Hillary were doing a couple years ago, when those hundreds of girls were kidnapped by Boko Haram?

“Yeah, they stopped doing that.”

Did they get the girls back?

“That’s not the point.”

My bad.

“Nobody says ‘my bad’ anymore, either.”

Fuck yourself.

“That’s better.”

Okay, how about the Ice Bucket Challenge?  Don’t get me wrong, raising awareness for ALS is a noble enough cause.  But watching my Uncle Charley squeal like an effeminate piglet while getting doused with ice water was something I could have lived my whole life without dealing with.

“Yeah, that’s way over.”

Did they cure ALS?

“Nope.”

Are people still donating, now that they’re “aware”?

“Donations fell off a cliff after the hashtag trend faded.”

Imagine that.

“What about Taco Tuesday?”

What about it?

“You could get behind that, couldn’t you?”

Taco Tuesday is not a social media trend.  It’s a vestigial holdover from public school cafeterias.

“It’s a social media trend now.”

I guess that’s no more moronic than any of the others.  Is there a point?  I’m pretty sure everyone in California is more than aware of the existence of tacos.

“There isn’t a point.  It’s Taco Tuesday.  Quit overthinking everything.  Just say something nice about tacos.”

Fine.  Here’s what I think of when I think of tacos.

I was walking down Revolucion Blvd in Tijuana with a hooker named Shady.  I don’t believe that was her given name…she said she’d done gang-related time in Chino, and I suspect somewhere during those misadventures, she’d been given this moniker.  We’d spend a couple days together…though she was a junky hooker, our relationship was entirely non-physical: she was my fixer for my visit in Tijuana.  So this particular afternoon, I had planned on going to La Plaza del Toros and catching the bullfights.  We decided to get some lunch before we made our way toward the coast.  Which is why we were walking down the street, looking for food.  Which is when she said the quote that I will forever associate with her: “I’m seeeck of tacos!”

I understood where she was coming from, but I disagreed fundamentally.  Tacos are perhaps, barring drugs, the greatest import of Mexico to the United States.  Tacos are the duct tape of the culinary world.  They hold everything together.  Bad day at work?  Tacos!  Break up blues?  Tacos!  Forget your email password for the 16^th time this month?  Tacos!  See?  Instant remedy.

As persuasive as I thought my pro-taco rhetoric could have been, Shady couldn’t bring herself around to my way of thinking.  After lunch, she started getting dope-sick, and had to go find a fix.  I ended up going to the bullfights alone, and had a great time.

But back to Taco Tuesday.  It’s simple, it’s delicious, and it doesn’t require me to look at photos from your 2007 trip to Ibiza or pour a bucket of ice over my head.  It just requires me to eat tacos, which, let’s fact it, I was going to do anyway.

So, here’s to Taco Tuesday – the one social media trend that doesn’t make me want to suppurate (remember?).  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with a double-decker, extra guac, hold the regret.

Until next time, may your Tuesdays be tasty, your Instagram feeds be tasty, and your tolerance of nonsensical trends be as low as mine.

N.P.: “See No Evil” – Ghost