I met up with a friend who recently decided to move to Fecal Creek. So, natch, we wanted to figure out how close we’d be living to each other, so I reminded him of the exact address of the Safehouse, and he looked it up on Google Maps. The results showed that his place is 2.5 miles from me, but it’s really less than a mile away from Point A to Point B. When he saw the search results, he said, “Two and a half miles? It seems a lot closer than that…maybe a mile as the crow flies.” Well, what the hell does that mean? I mean, I know what it means, but what relevance does it have to me? I’m clearly not a crow, nor am I capable of flight. I don’t give a fuck how long it would take me to get there if I was a goddamn bird. “As the crow drives” would be much more accurate, but of course completely absurd as I would never ever let some random crow behind the wheel of the Panty Dropper. How about something I could actually use, like “as the drunk stumbles.” I know exactly how far that is. “As the pelvis thrusts” might work. Measure distances in the number of pelvic thrusts it takes cover them. I do occasionally navigate from room-to-room via pelvic thrusts, usually when I’m in a particularly good mood. So as weird as it is, “as the pelvis thrusts” is significantly more useful to me than “as the crow flies.”
“As the junky sweats,” “as the pervert leers,” and “as the schizophrenic mumbles darkly,” would all also be decidedly more helpful than “as the crow fucking flies.” It is worth noting that I am neither a junky, nor a pervert, nor a schizophrenic. And I’m not a drunk either, but I can relate more closely to any of those categories than I can a goddamn crow.
N.P.: “They Came In” – Butthole Surfers