“You’re out of your fucking tree” was the exact wording of my response to this absurd request. At first I thought the call was just one of my friends pranking me. But then I remembered that I don’t have any friends. And these people seemed legit…but I couldn’t really believe that they’d ever approach me for such an assignment. So I asked.
“Why me?” I asked.
I can’t see the person I’m speaking with over the phone, but they sound as if they are trying not to sound panicked and desperate. It’s not working.
“The Harris Campaign has been going exceedingly well these first two weeks…”
“Oh, fer sure,” I interrupted. “You managed to pull off the most successful palace coup since the Glorious Revolution of 1688 without a single democratic voter seeming to care. Or even notice, really. Most impressive.”
“Well, to be fair, our target demographic is…how shall I put this?”
“Dangerously gullible?”
“We prefer ‘pleasantly suggestable.'”
“They’re suckers.”
“That’s pretty aggressive.”
“I’m a pretty aggressive guy…I mean as opposed to pathetically suggestable. Which is why I’m still wondering why you’re calling me.”
“Well, as great as it’s been going these three weeks, we have some…rather…significant challenges we need to overcome, sooner than later, but also sooner and later, if that makes sense.”
“It doesn’t. What the fuck are you talking about?”
“It’ll be a lot easier to explain in person. Where are you right now?”
“I’m nowhere near ready to share my whereabouts with you. Why, where are you?”
“Where we are depends greatly on when we are.”
“I don’t think we’re going to get along very well at all. Don’t be abstruse.”
“All I mean to say is that where we are now is almost irrelevant to anything pertaining to the making of plans since it is unlikely to the point of impossibility that we will be where we are much longer at all, let alone still be here whenever the plans are made for. I guess it’s better to ask where we will be as opposed to where we are.”
“You’re giving me a headache. And I don’t give a fuck about any of this. Your people contacted my people and wanted me to do this. You said 20k to go to the convention and do one post…I’m still weighing whether that will be worth it. I would likely need combat pay to get anywhere near that catastrophe. What about the non-convention deal?”
“We’ll give you $1200 per positive post about Kamala, and $1800 per negative Trump post.”
“And I don’t even need to leave my house to do this?”
“That is correct…in fact it’s probably better if you don’t.”
“Sounds good to me.”
“There is one thing.”
“What’s that?”
“You can’t talk about…not even mention…what or how she eats.”
“Wait…what? Why?”
“That’s just the rules.”
“Weird. Anything else off limits as far as questions or interviews?”
“Actually, both questions and interviews are off limits.”
“Waaaaait a minute…this idiot is suddenly running for president, and you’re telling me she’s not doing any interviews or answering any questions? From me specifically, or at all, in general?”
“At all. No questions.”
“Then what are we supposed to base our posts on?”
“The money that we’re paying you, that the other side isn’t.”
“The other side doesn’t have to pay anybody. They do interviews and ask questions for free. Your strategy is incredibly weird and will not work.”
“Sure it will…it’s been working like a charm so far: 21 days without any real interviews or press conferences. Remember, she’s the Democratic nominee, and Dem voters don’t give a shit about anything she says…she just has to be not Trump. That’s how Biden won.”
“Yeah, and look what you guys did to that poor old bastard.”
“We’re not talking about that either. Can we count on you for the posts?”
“Yeah. Sure. God yes. I’ll start immediately.”
N.P.: “Let Me Live / Let Me Die” – Des Rocs
