The Muricles of Yeezus.

AL MASADA, CALIF, Sept 15 (JG) – Claiming to be a messiah, rapper Kanye West has begun to perform miracles during shows on his “I Said I’m Jesus, Goddammit!” tour.

Over the weekend, Mr. West stopped his show to heal the sick, insisting that he would not perform one more song until “those unbelievers ova dur get on they feet,” referring to a section of of the arena reserved for wheelchair-bound fans. According to witnesses, it appeared that a miracle might actually take place as one such fan attempted to rise from his wheelchair, only to immediately fall forward, slamming his head against a safety rail, suffering a broken nose and a concussion.

Unable to pull off that miracle, Mr. West next attempted to make the blind see and to raise the dead, but was met with even less success. Clearly frustrated, Mr. West then attempted what witnesses described as “a few low-rent card tricks,” and then stormed off the stage. “It was weird,” said one concert-goer who had paid over $5000 for a VIP package that included front row seats. “He was going up to everybody in the first couple rows saying, ‘Pick a card, any card,’ and we would, and he would say, ‘Three of clubs!’ and he’d be wrong and he’d get mad and try again with the next person. After about 10 times, he just said, ‘Fuck y’all,’ and left.”

There were no calls for an encore, and most who could walk were making their ways toward the exits before the house lights were turned on. Others just rolled out the same way they’d come in.

Kanye West rose to fame after making a sex tape with his now wife, Kim Kardashian, several years ago while he was a back-up dancer on her “Ass Big as Alaska” tour. Rolling Stone Magazine recently called him “the Hootie and the Blowfish of hard-core rap,” and he was honored with a guest appearance on Cartoon Network’s “South Park” last year.

G-Unit

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