California Suckin’
It’s been embarrassing to be a Californian for decades now, but our idiot Governor Newsom has really overachieved in the Trashing of the State in more recent years. Oh sure, we’ve all endured the jokes about avocado toast and kale colonics for years, but at least we could point to gorgeous weather or the innovation of Silicon Valley to save face. Now? Now we’re lucky if we can keep the lights on long enough to hear about Newsom’s latest colossal blunder. Honestly, I think at this point I’m convinced this dolt was sent to us as some sick kind of cosmic prank, or a cruel social experiment to see how much one state can endure before collectively packing up and heading to Texas.
From Surplus to Scandalous Deficit – Economic Whiplash
Two years. That’s all it took. Governor Hair Gel inherited a wallet so bloated with cash, it could’ve gone on a diet. A $97.5 billion surplus! A number so gaudy it makes Elon’s bank account look like spare change under the couch cushions. And what did Newsom do with this unprecedented financial windfall? Did he invest it wisely in infrastructure, education, or programs to improve the lives of Californias? No, he managed to turn that surplus into a jaw-dropping $44.9 billion deficit faster than you can say, “How the hell does that even happen?” It’s like giving your teenager your credit card for a quick run to Food Casket and finding out they “accidently” bought a fleet of purple Lamborghinis and a yacht named Ho Magnet or some such. How do you blow through $142 billion in the span of two years? With Newsom signing the checks, apparently, quite easily.
What’s worse is that Californians barely saw the benefit of the surplus while it lasted. Oh sure, he sent out those highly publicized stimulus checks so people could briefly afford to fight inflation at the gas pump – where prices soared significantly more than the rest of the country largely thanks to his policies. Meanwhile, homelessness rampaged unchecked, businesses fled the state like it was haunted, and Newsom continued to fuck up.
COVID-19 or an Episode of Black Mirror?
There’s mishandling a pandemic, and then there’s Governor Dipshit doing an epileptic interpretive dance of authoritarian overreach. The guy didn’t just lock down the state, he locked down logic, common sense, and dissent while he was at it. California became a dystopian punchline, enforcing some of the nation’s strictest COVID measures, trampling on individual rights, and decimating small businesses in one swell foop [sic]. If you were here for it, you saw children not allowed to attend school, while Newsom’s own kids were enrolled in private, in-person learning. Livelihoods were crushed as mom-and-pop diners shuttered forever, but French Laundry? That remained open just long enough for His Royal Lie-ness to attend his little dinner party with lobbyists sans mask. Apparently, the virus doesn’t spread if you’re eating foie gras with people who can cut six-figure campaign checks. And while hardworking Californians grappled with unemployment, mental health crises, and the hopelessness of indefinite lockdowns, Newsome strutted through press conferences like a man expecting applause for burning down the house while holding the matches. It wasn’t leadership – it was self-promotion in a tight suit, and Californians are still suffering the consequences.
Corruption, Much?
Speaking of consequences, have you seen the governor’s track record for ethics? Spoiler alert – there isn’t one. Personal corruption is Gavin Newsom’s side hustle, except instead of starting a discreet Etsy shop for knitted scarves, he’s busy funneling state cash into pet projects and deals that seem to “coincidently” benefit his donors. It’s a fine line between leadership and self-interest, and Newsom’s been pole-vaulting over it with wild abandon. My dear California reader will recall the $1 billion mask deal with a Chinese company just after implementing a mask mandate. And what about his persistent failure to manage the state’s EDD fraud scam? An estimated $20 billion in taxpayer cash lost to fraudsters while actual Californians waited in unemployment purgatory. Rockstar governance, truly.
But nothing screams audacity like the governor cozying up to special interest groups while spouting lofty lefty platitudes about equity and justice. You know who’s not feeling very “just” right now? Californians trying to make a living while getting fleeced at every turn.
Parent? Dissenter? Congratulations, You’re a Criminal
And then there’s the piece de resistance of Newsom’s leadership – California’s foray into Orwellian parenting laws. Under laws Newsom heartily supports, refusing to “affirm” your child’s gender can now get you charged with child abuse and your kids removed from your custody. This is not satire; this is actual California legislation. Forget t-ball signups or PTA meetings – the real question California parents ask today is, “How do we survive this Orwellian nightmare without losing our kids to the goddamn Gender Police.”
Newsom calls it progressive; the rest of us call it a terrifying and perverse shitting upon parental rights, which, in California, were already completely beshitted. Combine that with his love of virtue-signaling and his unapologetic, full-throated sprint toward wokeness, and you’ve got a recipe for societal decay nearly to the point of collapse masquerading poorly as progress.
From Golden State to Gluttonous Disaster
I’ve been here a long time. I was born here and have lived here a depressingly long time. It used to be amazing. California used to symbolize opportunity and innovation. Now it’s a cautionary tale, thanks in no small part to the human wrecking ball occupying the governor’s mansion (actually, scratch that…that venal douchebag just moved into an $8 mil mansion in goddamn Marin. Because he wanted his kids to go to better schools. Seriously, fuck this guy so much). Under Gavin Newsom, being from California has gone from being a pretty cool thing to embarrassing and infuriating. We’re paying for rent and health care for illegals, and this jackass is talking about fighting the coming mass deportation. So many businesses and long-time residents are leaving, Newsom’s now floating the idea of an exit tax…a massive fee to move out of the state, in order to pay for the lost tax revenue. This isn’t governance. It’s a Shakespearean farce, only without the redeeming quality of ending quickly.
Here’s wishing Newsom ill. I hope he has a lousy Christmas.
N.P.: “Everyday is Halloween” – Stabbing Westward
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