Sorry, dear reader, but tonight I’ll have to keep it brief.  See, tonight, while I was walking home from Subway in below-zero cold, two black dudes wearing Obama “Hope” hats viciously attacked me.  They beat me, screamed, “This is Obama country” at me and called me “hetero cracker breeder” and poured black paint on me.  Then they sort of cuffed me with plastic toy handcuffs,  Then they just ran off into the icy night.  Because I fought back.  Good news: Even after all that, I managed to not drop my sandwich.  So I’m gonna eat that, then probably report this racist and sexist hate crime.  This is America in 2019.   And be sure to check out my show nobody watches, “Vampire” this Friday on Lifetime.

N.P.: “Fame” – David Bowie