Sciurine (adjective) – Pertaining to, characteristic of, or resembling squirrels.  Think bushy tails, frenetic energy, and the kind of manic focus that only a rodent with a nut-based retirement plan can muster.

From the Latin sciurus, meaning “squirrel,” which itself traces back to the Greek skiuoros (skia = shadow, oura = tail) because apparently ancient Greeks thought squirrels were just little guys who lived in the shade of their own tails.  Cute, right?  Also mildly existential.

I’m bummed out today, dear reader.  Bummed Out!  ::sigh::  Where should I start?
Whenever I kill something, I typically prefer for it to have been on purpose.  You know, with dark intention and malice aforethought.  ”Twas not always thus: in my late teens I used to kill just…er, never mind that for now.  That is probably best left for the book.  Suffice it to say, over the decades, I have developed a better appreciation for life and the right for non-Jayson things to exist than I used to have.  As a result, I am very careful to protect most critters in my world, so long as we are able to coexist.  Mostly meaning that as long as they stay out of my house, we’re good.  Faithful followers here have heard me talk with great affection about Bath Salts the squirrel, who, along with her adorable family, have a nest under the eaves of the Safe House.  There are multiple and surprisingly large lizards living in, on, and about my central AC unit.  I watch them climb up the walls, chasing the direct sunlight throughout the day.  I am down with the critters.  Which is why, dear reader, I’m so bummed today.

Earlier this morning, I was driving skillfully, even expertly through downtown Fecal Creek, obeying the posted speed limit and all relevant traffic laws, when an evidently suicidally depressed yet hyperactive and manic squirrel ran into the street in front of my car, which was going exactly 33mph, down an otherwise untrafficked road.  Had the squirrel simply maintained his speed and direction across the street, everything would have been fine…not even a near miss.  But no.  This sciurine shithead stops exactly in the middle of my lane, front legs rather splayed as if ready for action, and stares at the grill of my car.  I hit the brakes, natch, and, if this thing had a brain any larger than a crouton, would have allowed ample time for it to pick a direction and haul ass, totally unmolested.  Which, it seemed, to do, for a second.  It decided to reverse course, and head back to the side of the street from whence it came.  I instantly turned the wheel slightly, to the opposite side of the road Mr. Squirrel is heading.  But then, a split second later, it does a 180, and runs back in its original direction.  So, again, with the compassion of St. Francis, I turn the wheel slightly in the other direction, planning on missing the squirrel entirely.  But just as it’s about to disappear under the front of my car, it changes directions again, appearing to very intentionally dive under the car.  Despite my braking, what happened next was an apparently unavoidable double-thud as I drive over this goddamn thing.  It was horrible, and I felt like a nazi the rest of the afternoon.  I was guilty of involuntary squirrelocide. 

But then, somehow, things got even worse.  I went to get the mail, and on my second step out the door, I stepped on a baby frog, flattening it damply and instantly.  In and of itself, this accidental act was no big deal…there are literally thousands of these little fuckers jumping around the yard, and usually, despite the frogs having significantly smaller brains than the squirrels, they jump quickly out of your way when you walk down the sidewalk.  So what the hell was wrong with this one?  We’ll never know.  But that was the second unintentional critter kill of the day.  I still had writing to do, so I couldn’t let myself get too depressed about any of it.  In the end, I remembered that I am nothing more than an enforcement agent of Darwinism, taking out the trash. 

Still…I really would prefer my killings be on purpose. 

N.P.: “Captain Love” – The Winery Dogs