It’s the summer solstice. The longest goddamn day of the year. Well, there’s no point in fighting it: it’s summer in our neck of the hemisphere, and summer sucks ass. It’s the opposite of winter, which makes it de facto shitty. As you likely already know, I am in a bad mood, meteorologically, from Cinco de Mayo until Halloween. But the months of June, July, and August are just as bad as it gets for yrs. truly.

Oh sweet shit how I hate the summer. I dislike heat and children equally, and during these three wretched summer months, I can’t even stick my head out of the front door without having to deal with both. Kids everywhere, suddenly with nothing to do except make noise and commit crimes. Plus it’s 107F. The entire mammal kingdom is programmed to handle such heat the same way: get skinny, flat, low to the ground, and move as little as possible until the rain comes again. Which will hopefully be on Halloween. A rainy Halloween is the purest revenge for all of this summer nonsense: seeing all of these same underage hooligans who seem to thrive so well in the heat driven back into their suburban holes by cold and rain, dressed up in moronic costumes, candyless, forced to spend the winter listening to their parents masturbate in separate rooms. Ah yes…our time will come again, as it always does.

In the meantime, happy solstice.