Is this fucking thing is real?

THIS FUCKING THING IS REAL!

Alright, listen.  Never mind ISIS or Ebola.  We need to bomb Papau New Guinea right diddy.  Burn the whole goddamn place into the ocean.  I know we have a few Peace Corps volunteers down there being awesome and building bridges and spreading the good will of America around…unfortunately we must assume they have been captured and eaten by these big bastard ISIS spiders.   Jesus!  Can you imagine fighting one of these things?  Nope.  Not with anything less than a shotgun.

See?  All you people who fear spiders (as opposed to those of you who, like me, hate spiders), those of you who live what must be a very anxious life, stuck in the constant struggle of what to do about the big-ass spider on your wall that’s looking at your pets and children the same way I look at steak: you know deep down the only real way to properly deal with this menace is to slay the beast then and there, in front of God, the Buddha, your kids, and everybody.  Cleft it in twain.  But no.  Your hippy side kicks in: “Just capture it in a glass, and take it out side, and let it go.  Free.  Alive.  Perfect.”  Yeah.  You know who thought of that idea first…the culture from which that idea originated thousands of years ago?  That’s right, hippy: Papau New Guinea.  And now look.  Spiders so big they’ve developed lungs, and are starting to grumble about equal rights.

As Charles Darwin said, “Every society gets the spiders it deserves.”  Papau New Guinea has gotten theirs.  Let’s get them before theirs become ours.

This message brought to you by the Let’s Bomb The Snot Out of Those Huge Spiders Before They Eat Our Pets and Kids Campaign and a grant from the You See? This Is What Happens When You Take Spiders Outside In A Glass Awareness Fund.