March 31, 2021

These goddamn anti-tobacco ads have got to go.  They are the absolute worst.  They each feature former tobacco smokers whom, due to their ludicrous tobacco intake 20-30 years ago, have had their voice boxes, mandibles, and usual assorted other significant body parts removed, and are typically reliant on rather raucous breathing apparatus.  So even if you’re not actively watching tv, you suddenly hear this just horrible mechanical voice croaking a 15-second tale of self-centered deception, woe, and failure.  “I was the homecoming queen the year I graduated high school…voted “Best Dancer” in my class, and then I started smoking.”  At this point in the commercial, the hapless and passive listener simply must turn to the screen to see what the fuck is making such horrible noise.  Then some half-dead bald woman who looks almost exactly like that little smart ass from Tales From The Crypt.  The producers of the commercial know this, so they wait for that exact moment, when they know everybody in the room is locked onto the screen, to have the Carcinogenic Crypt Keeper do something truly ghastly, like remove their teeth or wig and then dance/hop around as they begin removing other prosthetic limbs in a sort of sick striptease.  “I just someone had told me the cigarettes would do this.”  The Crypt Keeper then stares desperately into the camera, clearly resigned to her own self-inflicted wound (or maybe the producer just paused the video), and then text appears on the screen: “Sharon died 20 seconds after recording this message.”
Jesus Christ…I’m eating lunch!  I don’t want to see this morbid shit!  I never started smoking, so there is no reason for me to be exposed to Sharon’s dying moments over and over again in the course of a single afternoon when I’m just trying to watch Bar Rescue and eat steak sandwiches.

N.P.: “You’re the Reflection of the Moon on the Water” – Grant Hart

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