Partial Transcript of Emergency Strategy Meeting, Saturday, 14 June 2025, In The War Room Of The Safehouse.  Participants: Jayson Gallaway, Author and Speculative Gubernatorial Candidate and Boochie Collins, Drug Dealer and Political Analyst/Advisor.

Boochie: Helluvan idea, chief…I think it’s got teeth.  Audacious as shit, though.  But audacious is good.  Fuck yes.  Let’s do this.
Jayson: Excellent!  I’m so glad we’re on the same page.  What have you got for me?  Where do we start?
Boochie: We start with making sure you’re qualified.
Jayson: Of course I’m qualified.  Probably over-qualified, all things considered.  I should probably be looking into running for President in ’28.  Yeah.  Why am I messing around with this itty-bitty-shitty state.
Boochie: California is neither itty nor bitty.  Third largest state, isn’t it?
Jayson: See…that’s what I’m talking about.  Third.  Third.  Rhymes with turd.  Why aren’t we first?
Boochie: Square milage.
Jayson: Balls!  We will be first!  Day One, we invade Oregon.  Annex that miserable state.  Drive all those hippies into the sea.
Boochie: Well, if you’re going to annex the state, you should probably keep the people…they’ll be part of your constituency.
Jayson:  Oooooo!  “Constituency.”  Fancy words from the Booch, all of a sudden.
Boochie: I use fancy words all the time.
Jayson: Horseshit.  Can you even spell constituency?
Boochie [caught off guard]: Shut up.  You can’t drive the people of Oregon into the sea; they are potential voters.
Jayson: No, they’re not.  They are not people, they are hippies.  And not one of those hippies will ever vote for me, potentially or otherwise.  They are not My People.  Buncha vegans who can’t pump their own gas.  Damnedest thing.  Fuck ’em…they shall be driven into the sea.
Boochie: We’d still be smaller than Alaska.
Jayson: Shit. Really?
Boochie: Even still, we are not itty or bitty.
Jayson: Fine.  But we are shitty, though.  You have to admit that.
Boochie: Shittiest state in the union.
Jayson: But not for much longer.  We’re gonna make history, Booch!  Come on…what do I have to do to govern this bitch?
Boochie: Qualifications.
Jayson: Still?  I thought we just covered that.
Boochie [rifles through papers and pulls one aside]:  Okay…”To run for Governor of California in 2026, you must meet the following criteria…”
Jayson: Bring it.
Boochie: Citizenship.  Are you a U.S. citizen?
Jayson: Damn skippy.  What’s next?
Boochie: Check.  Next is Residency.  Are you a registered voter in California?
Jayson: You know it.  Killing this, so far.  What’s next?
Boochie: Lessee…No Other Office…
Jayson: I’ve got one office, and you’re sitting in it.
Boochie: No, not “office” as a place.  “You cannot hold any other public office, engage in lobbying, or accept honoraria during your term as governor.”
Jayson: Cool.  I find those terms acceptable.
Boochie: Then that’s it…you qualify to run for governor.
Jayson: That’s it?  Shit, this is easy.  Feels like fate.
Boochie: I always thought you’d be a great governor.
Jayson: Thanks, Booch.  I’ll be better than what we’ve been stuck with for the last several idiotic years. So what’s next?
Boochie: Not exactly sure…this is my first gubernatorial campaign.  You still have that attorney on retainer?  With the weird name?
Jayson: Which one?  Finger?  Yeah, I’ve got his number.
Boochie: We should probably consult with him about next steps.
Jayson: I’ll call him.
[Jayson pulls out cell phone, scrolls, taps the screen, then puts phone on speaker.  The sound of repetitive rings heard over speaker].
Jayson: Fucker never answers his phone.  He’s probably over there in his loft, smoking drugs or whatever he does, ignoring the goddamn phone.
[Ringing stops, a recorded message plays over the speaker]
Finger [recorded, over speaker]: You have reached the voicemail of Jimmy Finger, Finger & Diddle, Attorneys at Law.  Leave a message.
Jayson [under his breath to Boochie]: Asshole.  [Then, after the beep into the phone]: Jimmy Finger!  It’s been a minute.  This is Jayson, I’m over here with Boochie…listen, I’m going to run for Governor in ’26, and could use some guidance to navigate this process.  Call me back at this number.
Jayson [hanging up]: Asshole.  I bet he starts picking up the phone once I’m goddamn Governor of this dump.

N.P.: “Fuck Everything” – Hairy Soul Man