December 29, 2024

The last time I set foot in Canadia, I was immediately pulled aside at customs and told they were going to swab me for gunpowder residue.  “Are these people with you?” they asked me, referencing the 7-8 people I was traveling with.  When I indicated that they were, they were all swabbed for gunpowder too.  I asked the Canadian authorities for a reason for the search, but they were either unwilling or unable to provide any justification for this.  Of course, everyone in my party, indignant over this rather rude welcome to Canadia, turned to me for an explanation.  When I just shrugged stupidly, they just shrugged and wrote the whole thing off as “one of those crazy things that happens when traveling with Jayson.”

Of course, this same group had been with me the day before at SFO when we were all boarding a flight to Seattle when everything almost went to shit before this weird trip even started.  I had arrived in San Francisco late the night before, then overslept before heading to the airport.  The rest of the party was trickling through the TSA checkpoint when I happened to reach into my pants pocket to discover I had inadvertently brought my favorite switchblade to the airport.  As I fondled the weapon, I felt my lips purse as I decided not to panic and tried to figure out what to do.  I looked around quickly for a trashcan or some kind of receptacle I could slyly dump this thing in, but as my well-traveled reader may already know: TSA checkpoints are absolutely bereft of any places to stash stuff.  And there are agents watching the people in line exhibiting suspicious behaviors, like hurriedly trying to stash a razor-sharp knife before boarding a commercial airliner.  And there was no time anyway: I was up next, and the agent was gesturing me forward.  I was fucked.  My only option was a Jedi Mind Trick (which I will happily explain to the dear reader at a later date…I seem to have veered off the subject, which was…Canadia!  That’s right.  Okay.  What I was trying to say was that I love the Canadian people, their culture, and their actual country.  But their government under Justin “Blackface” Trudeau has been shameful and disgusting.  Repugnant.  Crying out to be overthrown.  And the Canadian people were absolutely ready to do it, but they’d been so abused during the pandemic that they’d been completely cowed.  Beaten into submission.  Financially destroyed when Justin froze their personal bank accounts if the protested any of Canadia’s absurd and draconian lockdown laws.

The Trump Tariff Threat
Then, suddenly, a couple of weeks back, the political landscape in Canadia was dramatically when Big Don, The Breaker of Narratives, Hero of the Republic…The Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla….U.S. President-elect Donald Trump announced his intention to impose a staggering 25% tariff on Canadian imports.  This wasn’t just a shot across the bow – it was a calculated power move.  For decades, Canada has benefited from bilateral trade with the U.S., often leveraging its proximity to the world’s most powerful economy.  Trump’s move aimed to even the playing field, calling out what he labeled as unfair trade advantages.

“Why should hardworking Americans subsidize Canadian industries that don’t play fair?” Trump asked reasonably during a rally.  “We’re a country of strength, and we expect fair partnerships.  If Canada wants in, they can step up – or step back.”

Damn right.  Harsh?  Maybe.  But effective? Absolutely.  Trump’s tariff’s aren’t about punishment – they’re about resetting the economic balance for the long-term benefit of American workers and businesses.  By placing strategic pressure on Canada, Trump is forcing a reevaluation of trade practices to ensure they serve both nations equally.  And let’s be honest – he wasn’t wrong to address how intertwined the economies have become.

While Trump was making power plays, Trudeau was left reeling.  Accustomed to photo ops and ass-kissy platitudes, Trudeau visibly struggled to handle Trump’s boldness.  His attempts to reassure Canadians fell flat, and his characteristic optimism began to resemble naivety under the weight of real-world challenges.

This prompted JT to jump on Socialist One (or whatever the hell the Canuck’s equivalent of Air Force One is) and tear ass down to Mar-a-Lago that same day to try to whine his way out of Trump’s crosshairs.  It didn’t work.   Rumor has it that Trump was calling Justin “bitch” and “petting Trudeau like a lapdog” as Big Don suggested to the Canadian Prime Sinister that if his country couldn’t handle the economic pressure, Canadia should become the 51st U.S. state, with Trudeau becoming governor of the state until a more suitable candidate, such as Wayne Gretzky, cane along.  This was not merely an economic threat; it was a brilliant political maneuver that sent shockwaves through Ottawa, stirring up a storm within the Canadian government and beyond.

A Government in Disarray
The immediate reaction was one of chaos within the Trudeau’s administration.  His finance minister, Chrystia Freeland, resigned abruptly, citing significant disagreements with Trudeau on how to navigate the impending tariff crisis.  This discord exposed the internal strife within the Liberal Party, already grappling with completely diminished public support and a looming election.  The resignation was far more than personal conflict; it symbolized the broader instability and the government’s apparent inability to present a united front against external pressures.

Public and Political Backlash
The public sentiment in Canada was a mix of panic, anger, and humiliation.  Trudeau’s portrayal as the “governor” of the “Great State of Canada” by Trump was met with derision and criticism, amplifying the perception of Trudeau as weak and womanly, and not a leader at all.  This was further exacerbated by posts on X, where commentators noted the dire political crisis unfolding in Canada, suggesting that Trudeaus “leadership” was on its last legs.  Trudeau’s government, already facing extreme criticism for its completely abhorrent handling of various domestic issue, now seemed to be woefully out of its depth on the international stage.  The Liberal Party, once viewed as a beacon of progressive policy, was now seen as dangerously vulnerable, with polls showing an alarming drop in support.

Enter Pierre Poilievre, the sharp-tongued, no-nonsense Conservative Party leader who is already reshaping Canada’s political landscape.  Where Trudeau floundered, Poilievre excelled, stepping into the chaos with the poise and conviction of an actual leader ready to take the reins.  “Canada needs less virtue signaling and more substance,” Poilievre declared in response to the crisis.  “Justin Trudeau has sold Canadians short for far too long.  It’s time we had leadership that protects Canadian jobs, strengthens our economy, and stands firm with results.”

Poilievre’s vision resonates with a growing majority of Canadians fed up with rising inflation, stagnant wages, and housing affordability reaching crisis levels.  Unlike Trudeau, who often speaks in abstract ideals, Poilievre has positioned himself as the voice of everyday Canadians, someone who isn’t afraid to tackle tough economic realities head-on.

The Economic Implications of Tariffs
Economists warned of the potential devastation these tariffs could bring to Canada’s economy, which heavily relies on trade with the United States.  Trudeau’s response was to commit over a billion dollars to enhance border security, a move seen by most as capitulation to Trump’s demands rather than strategic diplomacy.  This decision was met with mixed reactions, with some seeing it as a necessary evil, while others criticized it as an unnecessary expenditure that played directly into Trump’s hands.

The Political Endgame
The political fallout was swift.  Oppositions, both within and outside the Liberal Party, began calling for Trudeau’s resignation.  The situation was worsened by the loss of key allies like Freeland, painting a picture of a government in shambles.  The pressure for Trudeau to step down intensified, with political analysts speculating on whether he would be forced to call an early election or if he would be ousted through a confidence vote in parliament.  The last two weeks have been filled with videos of Trudeau being chased through the streets of Ottawa by angry Canadian mobs shouting “Fuck you, fascist,” and the like.

Post-Script: An informal survey taken in Canada shows a stunning 60% Canadians supporting the idea of becoming the 51st state.  Entrepreneur and Canadian national treasure Kevin O’Leary has expressed personal enthusiasm for this idea, and is scheduled to discuss the “joining of the two economies.”  I suspect he is angling for the position of Governor of the State of Canadia. And I, dear reader, am here for all of it.

N.P.: “Stay On The Outside” – Whitey

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