Oooooooh shit, dearest reader…tectonic news on our War on Daylight Saving Time: Big Don said the thing and thus made it official! To fucking wit:
You have no idea the extent to which this whole idea fills my heart with abject glee. Actually, if you’ve endured the last several years of my biannual screeds railing against the obvious complete stupidity of pointlessly raping the clocks twice a year, sans either lube or logic, you probably know exactly how happy this makes me.
Daylight Saving Time, which has been a national embarrassment since the passage of the Uniform Time Act in 1966, is compelled for most of the year across the United States. Currently, Arizona and Hawaii are the only two states smart enough or with the testicular fortitude to tell the Fed to go fuck itself. Abolishing DST would require nationwide adoption of Standard Time year-round through congressional legislation and presidential approval, which will now, no doubt, happen.
Earlier this month, after having been championed by author Jayson Gallaway for decades, ending DST first gained traction within Trump’s circle when the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE), a newly created agency led by two of the biggest brains in America, Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy, floated the idea that had been on the minds of most advanced thinkers for quite some time. “It seems clear that people are fed up with changing their clocks,” Musk wrote on X in post echoing public sentiment. Ramaswamy chimed in, replying, “It’s wasteful and easily fixable.”
Despite overwhelming public support for scrapping the time change, there’s oddly still a strange divide over what should replace it. This should a no-brainer, but, let’s be honest: we’re just now getting around to ending it in 2025…there are a lot of people evidently sans brains still advocating for this nonsense. Obviously, the nation should stick to Standard Time year-around…it’s in the fucking name: Standard Time. Historical perspective: previously, this was just known as “Time.” The unnecessary and abhorrent modifier was added only to differentiate it from Bullshit Time, which, after several rather intense focus groups, was renamed Daylight Saving Time. There are people…actual tax-filing, voting people who allegedly think DSL should stay permanent. Standard Time, relegated to November to March, is known by superior intellects and health experts to match the body’s natural circadian rhythms, benefitting overall health and sleep. On the other hand, the moronic proponents of Daylight Saving Time favor longer evening daylight hours, apparently not understanding that you can exactly however have as many daylight hours you want if you just set your alarm clock an hour earlier and kindly leave the rest of us the fuck alone. These cretins evidently believe DSL boosts economic and recreational activities. They are just the sorts of people who would prioritize profit and fun over the general public health. Assholes.
Sadly, this debate isn’t new. Back in 2022, the Senate unanimously passed the Sunshine Protection Act, a bill introduced by Sen. Marco Rubio that quite wrongheadedly aimed to make DST permanent. Thankfully, the proposal stalled in the House and failed to advance further. Rubio reintroduced the legislation in 2023, but it remains stuck in committee, leaving the future of clock changes unresolved. Until now.
Even the news that this is an actual early focus of the incoming administration is more than enough reason for an Emergency Goat Dance, which has been rather hastily scheduled for this evening and night. But this will be child’s play compared to the bacchanalia that will erupt once the clock is permanently locked…that will be truly legendary stuff….could potentially be the biggest Goat Dance in 25 years. And I absolutely cannot wait.
I would be remiss not to mention the schadenfreude I am feeling these days associated with this and similar issues that have had me screaming into the pillow at night with frustration since I was a child. In case the dear reader was wondering, those similar issues have been:
- Arbitrarily changing the clocks twice a year is clearly moronic and damaging.
- Federal Income Tax is abhorrent, grotesque, and decidedly un-American.
- The Federal Tax Code is preposterous and should be thrown into the fire and replaced by a simple, flat tax.
- The IRS should be ablated at once.
- There is no such thing as a “hate” crime, and it’s a disgustingly Orwellian concept on its face.
- Gun control is blatantly unconstitutional. There is no constitutional justification for this not being an open-carry society.
There are some others, but those will likely come up later. For now, you can tell what all of the abovementioned have in common: they are all things that Americans used to not have to deal with because we were smarter then, but then the government, at various stages and through various methods, convinced a generation of Americans to go along with each one of these bullshitty ideas, which is all they had to do. Each subsequent generation would be born into a world with these things as a reality, and as the Powers That Be learned from slavery, those born into slavery have no reason to think there is any other kind of existence possible for them and will thus never rebel, or even question their lowly role. For generations, pathetically small-minded Americans apparently lacking imagination just unquestioningly accepted these things as part of their reality. This has led to the rather unpleasant condition in the United States with allegedly free-thinking Americans walking around saying slavish things like, “Which one is that…is that the one when we get an extra hour to sleep in? I like that one.” Or “I’m stoked! I paid $1000 less in income tax this year.” I haven’t even known where to start with these people, so I haven’t. All I’ve managed to do is keep myself from beating them all to death with hardbound copies of Plato’s “Allegory of the Fucking Cave” [sic], and that has been truly difficult.
You watch, dear reader…there will be protests. Wailing and gnashing of teeth from all the usual suspects. But hold fast, there is nothing the purple-haired hippies can do about the Return to Realism. #LockTheClock
N.P.: “Unholy” – Collide
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