A Noble Effort.

Six days.  Six fucking days is how far I got into the year before violating every last one of my resolutions.
Here’s the list as it existed on New Year’s Eve:
1) I resolve to no longer engage in what my therapist calls “the edgy stuff” (fisting, sodomy, etc) before marriage. Or at least not on the first date.  Or at least not with the therapist.  Whatevs.  
2) This one also a direct request from the therapist: I resolve to stop eating animals solely with the intention of inheriting their strength and dreams and “life force.”  Because apparently it’s working and it’s really just a “point of diminishing returns” situation right now and probably just really screwing up my heart health so okay: from now on, it’s nothing but kale and soy. Which is really convenient: since I’ve eaten any animal silly enough to come near, the lawn has gotten out of pocket.  In 2015, I can just go out and graze on the lawn anything I get “snacky.”
3) And sobriety…yes! Oh hell yes.  2015 is going to be sobertastic. Sobriety and clarity and good, clean living. Yay!  I’m going to wake up early…15 minutes before sunrise, every morning.  And I’m going to exercise.  Yes.  Work out everyday day, dammit.  I am high on life, and I want this – All Of This –  to go on forever.  And if I can enjoy All Of This for an extra 10 years by eating roots and twigs and abstaining from fun and happiness then by God that is what I will do.  
4) I resolve to sincerely attempt to decrease the number of times I kick that ugly goddamn neighbor kid down the back stairway just because I am grumpy or out of whiskey.  I will go one Christian step further and resolve to not refer to his mother as “an anus-eyed skull face.” 
5)  I resolve to answer emails in the same year as received.  The same month would be even better.  Baby steps.
Well, so much for all that.  I boned every one of them.  Okay,  not #5, but that’s just a matter of time.  Alas.  Forsooth.  Phooey.  Balls.
boring

 

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