Oh goddammit, dear reader…earth day?  Gadzooks.  What sort of Disneyesque jackassery is this?

The earth doesn’t need a day.  When the hippies start anthropomorphizing the whole planet…attributing awareness and feelings to it.  The earth is not angry.  Nor is it happy.  Not much frustrates me more than the same people that have been running around celebrating earth day suddenly find themselves sitting in a pile of rubble that used to be their home before the earthquake or tornado or hurricane or wildfire or whatever, on the news howling, “Why me?”  Ain’t no why, sister.  Shit just happens.  It’s nothing personal.   Don’t try to make it so.

Disney gets most of the blame for most of this horseshit.  Perpetuating dangerous myths where old crippled baboons hang out with the friendly lion, and every single little girl everywhere ever is a princess and nature is a gentle and benevolent presence that gets even nicer the more you kiss its ass.  Nope.  You wanna go for a real nature walk?  Do it across the Donner Pass in January.  Take a stroll through a Floridian swamp in late August.  I’ve heard that the Australian outback is a great place to reconnect with nature all year round.  Yes, kittens and kale and koalas are all natural.  But so are cancer, syphilis, and death.  Nature is neither for you nor against you.  It isn’t trying to kill you, but it’s also not doing a damn thing to keep you alive.  [Also, I am firmly of the believe that it is a huge mistake to differentiate humans from “nature” or other animals.  As smart as we are, we are still animals, we are still natural, and just as there is nothing “unnatural” about a pride of lions ganging up on a zebra to kill it by ripping it apart, there is nothing “unnatural” about humans splitting the atom.  But this is a discussion for another day.  I’m just taking this perspective because you typical hippie is no where near ready to handle this sort of thing.]

It’s really a good thing that the earth doesn’t have feelings, because if it did, it would probably be pissed off by the humans’ hypocrisy and duplicity.   For the last 50 years (far longer, really, but I’m trying to make us look less worse here…the truth is we’ve been looking to “better deal” this bitch since we figured out how to make fire), we have done nothing except talk about “what else is out there,” and search for planets  with water that might sustain us.  Hell, the second we figured out how to do it, we fucked off to the moon.  The moon!  it’s not even a planet.  It’s an itty bitty shitty little rock that circles the earth like some kind of stalker on ecstasy, but the minute we could leave, we did.  And we’ll leave again, first chance we get.  When we couldn’t find any other planets to “date,” we built a space station.  That’ s how much we want to get out of this dysfunctional relationship with the earth.  But then every year, here we are: “Oh earth, we love you so much.”  Meanwhile we’re so busy checking out other planets that we built the Hubble Telescope: we will never ever ever be able to get to the planets we can see with that thing.  But we simply must know what else is out there.  Because there has got to be something better that this dump.

Most humans love the earth the same way the Germans loved Wotan long ago: they had no other choice.  It was how they were raised and all they knew.  Earth is all we know.  But it really kind of blows.  It’s too hot, for one thing.  I have been uncomfortably hot virtually every day since I got here.  But really, there are some really amazing planets out there…far more hospitable than this joint.

I know a way to get the hippies to stop celebrating earth day: a group of earth supremacists should co-opt it…appropriate it into the central holiday of their calendar and then get militant:  “Earth First!  All the other planets suck!  Make Mars our bitch!”

Oooo…I know: “Make Earth Great Again!”  Perfect.  I’m in.  I’ll call Jussie Smollett and get him to stage a terrestrial hate crime, where two Nigerians pose as earth supremacists, jump him and yell “This is Earth!” and call him a martian and tell him to go back to his red planet.  I wonder if he’s available.

Happy earth day, ya filthy hippies.  #MakeEarthGreatAgain #MakeMarsOurBitch  #FUranus

N.P.: “Western Ground (Instrumental) – 2019 Remaster” – Samael