I was talking about the ubiquity of porn, or at least hypersexual images one is exposed to  in everyday life now without making any effort, or even when trying to avoid such images.  This led to further discussion about how effortless it is to view any actual porn movie you want for free immediately, which led to further discussion of how valuable such pornographic access would be to a virgin who is looking seriously into changing that status.  Which of course led to discussion of how goddamn difficult it was to attempt to educate oneself on exactly what to do when The Time Comes.  And yes, of course, the argument that virgins getting of what loving, meaningful sex is supposed to be like it fraught with peril and disinformation.  No argument there.  However, I posited, the alternative, which is what I had to deal with, was not much better.  We had jack shit.  The sex ed we all went through in school was clinical enough to pointless and helpful only if you wanted to know the completely unsexy biology of how babies are made and disease is contracted (which, I remember thinking in the class at 11 years old, were pretty much the same thing…both best avoided, so so much for sex ed).  I had a couple friends of course, but they had no more idea of what the hell was going on than I did.  I mean, we knew the most basic mechanics of what was supposed to happen, but none of us had seen an actual functioning vagina, up close and personal, live in concert.  How the hell do you prepare for that.  What if I freak out?  And even if I don’t freak out, I’d really like a better idea of what I’m doing…it just seems like your first time is a big moment, and not the best time for OJT.  It was just a whole thing.
So not having ready access to porn, we were left to try to extrapolate whatever information we could from any source that seemed even remotely promising.  One significant source for me ended up being the song “Dance Hall Days” by Wang Chung.  Sure, it seems like a pretty silly source of sexual inspiration now, but back then, we were grasping at straws.  And why wouldn’t Wang Chung be sex experts?  I knew what a Wang was, and I guess I just optimistically assumed that “Chung” was Mandarin for “”advice” or something similar.  Fortunately, when the time came, things went swimmingly, and I ended up not relying on any of my “research” and was just in awe of how naturally things seemed to happen.  It was a wonderful experience for both of us, which, as I’ve learned from talking to pretty much everybody since, is a very rare thing.  Most people’s first time seems to fall somewhere between disastrous and permanently traumatizing.  And had I heeded the advice of Wang Chung, my first time would have not only not have been wonderful, but would likely resulted in criminal charges.  Have you ever actually listened to the lyrics of this song?  Holy shit.  “Take your baby by the hand.”  Okay, cool.  We’ve held hands, and she seems to like it.  I sure do.  Alright…we’re off to a good start.  What’s next?  “And make her do a high handstand.”  Hmmm.  I mean, I guess.  She was in an aerobics class at the time, so I suppose a handstand wouldn’t be outside the realm of possibility, but what then?  She’s doing a handstand and I’m just, what, standing there like an idiot?  Am I still clothed, or was I supposed to nude up before I took her by the hand.  This is shit I needed to know.  “And take your baby by the heel.”  Okay.  Can do.  Not sure what the hell else I’m going to do…she’s doing a handstand that I made her do.  Does she still have her shoes on?  I’m so confused.  “And do the next thing that you feel.”  If this was the scenario, with the headstand happening instead of, i don’t know, kissing or something, I suspect I next thing that I’d feel would be an extremely humiliating confusion and cluelessness accompanied by the overwhelming urge to run out of the room without explanation and disappear forever.  Then comes an absolutely bewildering chorus that doesn’t seem to apply to the situation under discussion, so let’s just cut to the next verse.  “Take your baby by the hair.”  Is she still doing the handstand?  Am I still wearing clothes?  “And pull her close and there, there, there.”  Okay, so that was part of my original plan, but my original plan did not include making her doing a handstand and then messing around with her airborne heels.  When do I get to take off my pants?  I figured she would have something to do with that, but her hands are right now pretty occupied with holding her in this ridiculous position so she doesn’t break her neck.  God.  What next?  Help me out, here, Wang. “And take your baby by the ears…”  Okay, now we’re talking.  I mean, probably a bit forward, but this is at least tangentially in the same proverbial ball park (heh) as what I’d been guessing would happen.  Okay, got her by the ears.  Now what?  “And play upon her darkest fears.”  For fuck’s sake, Wang Chung!  I really love this girl.  She’s nice!  And at some point very soon, probably within the next minute, love me deeply though she may, she is going to protest all this jackassery and just leave.  Which won’t be particularly dramatic since she is still fully clothed,  This is not going well at all.  But I already drank Wang Chung’s Kool-Aid: I’m committed.  On we go.  “Take your baby by the wrist.”  Okay, I’m just gonna lose the clothes and get her back on her feet.  Maybe we should even get in the bed or something.  “And in her mouth an amethyst.”  Oh come on!  I don’t even have a condom…I was supposed to bring precious gems?  I’m guessing she’s confused and not a little pissed off about that headstand nonsense that just happened.

Yeah…I’m glad things happened the way they did.

Also, holy shit I’m old.

N.P.: “Pride” – Syntax