Category Archives: Lucubrations

A bunch of idiot adolescents gathered in New York City to protest climate change.  They’re idiots because they are apparently under the impression that protesting is the best way to fix climate change.  Which is patently idiotic.  In fairness, that’s not what they think.  But what they do think doesn’t make any more sense.  Their stated goal was “to pressure world leaders and governments to do something.”  Exactly what should be done? They, like the government and everybody else, have exactly no idea.  So pro tip: rather than pointlessly standing around in the street protesting, why not devote your time and effort into coming up with actual potential solutions?  The reason is because that is hard.  And they can’t do it.  But they can’t apparently live with themselves if they don’t do something, so out to the street they go.

A large number of people who attended the protest drove.  Cars.  With combustion engines.  That freaky little Swedish chick who “inspired” this pointlessness did not row her little self over here on a viking ship.  Nope.  She flew.  On a egregiously carbon-emitting jet plane.  And that’s how she’s getting around the world to help organize and inspire these protests: big ass jet planes.  The Manhattan locals I know who participated in the protest proudly announced their participation on Facebook using their smartphones (the production of smartphones and massive new data centers are responsible for a disproportionate portion of the worlds carbon emissions).  The sister protest in Paris grew violent and saw participants setting fires, which I suggest might actually be less helpful for carbon emissions that the demonstrations themselves.

Look, my main issues with the climate whiners is two-fold: 1) they have no actual ideas or solutions.  Marching around bitching about a problem is easy.  It is also simple (in the worst sense of the word) and childish.  2) They are hypocrites.  They want you and me to make significant, inconvenient changes to our lives (burn less gas, drive less, fly less, eat fewer cows, et cetera, ad nauseam) but are unwilling to make those changes themselves, or lead by example.  Because the bottom line is that they aren’t serious about fixing climate change.  They are only interested in appearing to be more concerned about climate change than you, and are hoping by appearing that they really really care about climate change by going to the demonstration, that other people to whom it is important to really really care about climate change will be there and see them and say, “Ooooooo…that person really really cares about climate change the same way I really really care about climate change…maybe they’ll put their mouth on my genitals.”

N.P.: “Mannish Boy – Ruckus Roboticus Remix” – Muddy Waters, Ruckus Roboticus

Today was a good one, dear reader.  Not exactly fun, but pretty damn good.  I’ve got a lot of writing I want to do the next few days, so I’m going to try to focus on that.

There are multiple lights at the end of multiple tunnels.

N.P.: “The Goal” – Leonard Cohen

Too tired and preoccupied to do any serious literary hell-raising this evening.  Don’t get me wrong, dear reader…I have things to say.  I’m just too tired to get myself worked up into the fit that these topics require.  So I’m gonna call it a night.

N.P.: “Jesus Built My Hotrod” – Burn The Priest

Not a bad day at all today.  It was kind of cool.  Did some reordering of the book…just kind of experimenting.

N.P.: “Schwarze Witwe – TLP Remix” – Eisbrecher

Big bummer about Ric Ocasek.  I made that dude laugh once.  It was in a video game store in Manhattan.  I was talking to the owner, and I described the Silent Hill series as “an Asian chick running endlessly and stupidly through the fog.”  The guy that had come in after me looking for a Nintendo Cube chortled at my description.  I turned and smiled, and it was Ric Ocasek.  He was as cool as you hope Ric Ocasek could be.  Before we could have a meaningful talk, a couple of locals had spotted him coming in and brought their kids in to meet the legend and get a picture.  Anyway, I was sorry to hear of his passing.  The Cars were one of the most underrated/underappreciated bands of the 80s.  I liked the Irish stuff he did with Black 47 as well.  He will be missed.


Not a whole helluva lot else going on today, dear reader.  Too much business, not enough writing.  I did get rained upon, however, which was a fairly joyful experience.  But once the rain stopped, things just got muggy as hell.  It felt like Thailand for a while.  Things are better now.  Going to try to catch up on the writing.

N.P.: “New Girl Now” – Honeymoon Suite

FECAL CREEK POLICE DEPARTMENT
Watch Summary
Saturday, September 14, 2019
______________________________________________________

NIGHT WATCH


Time:  0126 hours
Report #: 19-260842
Charges: HS 11377 (A), 11364, PC 1203.2 (A)
Location: 6900 block of Bedlam Rd.
Suspect:  PIZZAZZ, DANIEL (WMA, 24, ARRESTED AND MOCKED)

S-1 (Anhedonia resident) was the driver of a motor vehicle stopped for a vehicle code violation. A record check revealed S-1 was on probation. A probation search of S-1’s vehicle led to the discovery of methamphetamine, crack cocaine, LSD, ecstasy, a couple pounds of Mexican ditch weed, and narcotic paraphernalia. S-1 was arrested, slapped, and then transported to the main jail (which is, of course, the only jail, Fecal Creek not being all that big of a suburb).


Time:  0217 hours
Report #: 19-002603
Charges: PC 647 (F)
Location: 9500 block of Fecal Creek Rd.
Suspect:  BENCHOAD, BALZDEEP (OMA, 27, ARRESTED)

S-1 (Fecal Creek resident) was arrested for public intoxication and then transported to the main jail, where he projectile vomited a truly extraordinary  amount of what the booking sergeant believed to be chicken tikka masala.


DAY WATCH
No major incidents or arrests logged.

EVENING WATCH
Time:  1613 hours
Report #: 19-262469
Charges: HS 11350 (A)
Location: Fecal Creek Blvd. / Mayhem Way
Suspect:  ZEEKRIT, VICTORIA (WFA, 29, ARRESTED)

S-1 (Anhedonia resident) was the driver of a motor vehicle stopped for a vehicle code violation. An inventory search of S-1’s vehicle led to the discovery of heroin, mescaline, peyote, several guns, a grenade launcher, handcuffs, and roughly $2 million in cash, about $400 of which Miss Zeekrit forced on the arresting officer in the form of a rather egregious but successful bribe. S-1 was arrested, issued a citation, and released.


Time:  1836 hours
Report #: 19-262944
Charges: PC 647 (F), WARRANT
Location: 8600 block of Fecal Creek Blvd.
Suspect:  SCHIHTHED, CURTIS (WMA, 41, ARRESTED)

S-1 (Anhedonia resident) was arrested for public intoxication (bath salts), face eating, piracy, the importation of dangerous animals, and an active warrant. S-1 was transported to the main jail, photographed naked, and taunted viciously.


Time:  1931 hours
Report #: 19-263161
Charges: PC 647 (F), PC 1203.2 (A)
Location: 8400 block of Fecal Creek Rd.
Suspect:  SNATCH, MELISSA (HFA, 32, ARRESTED)

S-1 (Anhedonia resident) was arrested for public intoxication, public urination, lewd and lascivious behavior, pretending to have narcolepsy and violating her probation. S-1 was transported to the main jail.


Time:  1935 hours
Report #: 19-263274
Charges: PC 647 (F)
Location: 2600 block of W. Kontemtov Ct.
Suspect:  JOSEPH, JESUS MARIAN (OMA, 45, ARRESTED)

S-1 (Fecal Creek resident) was arrested for public intoxication, public jackassery, and having a ludicrously long neck, and transported to the main jail.  He sang Rush’s YYZ during the entire course of his arrest.


Crime Tips Via Text Messaging through “CrimeTip”

Members of the community having information regarding criminal activity can send tips via SMS text message by entering CRIMES (274637) on their cell phones, followed by Tip6666 (agency identification number) and the message. Once users type in their message and press send, they will receive a confirmation text indicating that the message was received.
You can help Fecal Creek Detectives solve a crime by providing information. You may remain anonymous, but please, let us know what you know.

* All information is obtained from the Fecal Creek Police Department Daily Watch Summary. Booking photos are provided by the Fecal Creek Police Department if the suspects are still in custody.  All information is a matter of public record, and the media has a right to publish the information. Fecal Creek News may remove booking photos if requested.


N.P.: “Praise Abort” – Lindemann

A very strange night.  Though these days (or nights), they all seem to be somewhat strange.  Lots of existential dread, loneliness, and confusion.  That’s always there too, but it seems more pronounced, acute lately.  The only thing that seems to help any of this is putting words on pages.  So I’m going to do a bit more of that.

N.P.: “Du riechst so gut” – Rammstein