Art by Tasty Piece,©️ The Safehouse Collection 2021
The moronic twats of the U.S. women’s soccer team continued their boycott against scoring goals because racism again on Monday, staying on their knees once game play started, until the opposing team began literally fisting them…again. The 2021 U.S. Women’s Soccer Team was the not only thefirst team in Olympic history to be fisted during competition, but also the only team to be fisted every time the took the field. “At this point we assume they just enjoy it,” said Sofie Garafano, captain of the Canadian team that skunked the Americans 1-0 before the fisting began. In what has become an all-too-familiar occurrence whenever the Aggrieved American Women compete, the Canadians, upon realizing that the Americans didn’t actually seem to know how to play soccer, decided that a good public fisting sans lube would be less humiliating than beating them dozens of points to nothing, as happened in the first game the U.S. played. “They should really just go home at this point,” Garafano continued. “If they stay here just to keep getting fisted, it’s gonna be weird.”
U.S. women’s soccer captain Megan Rapinoe was indignant, confused, and still bleeding heavily from the Canadian fisting she had just led her team through at the post-game press conference: “Okay, fuck it…nobody told us that they were gonna keep score in these games. They never kept score in the games when we were growing up, and now, with no warning whatsoever, there’s score. Like, they expect you to actually try to win. We simply don’t know how to do that. Turns out that pissed Americans off. So, realizing none of us knew how to play soccer, we decided to show solidarity with some pointless radical leftist groups. Oddly enough, that seemed to piss off the Americans even more. And we were disappointed to discover that our only fans were Americans, so there was that. I must say, though, that I have become rather fond of the fisting…hope that’s not to obvious.” She may hope it’s not obvious, but her announcement at the end of the presser told everyone otherwise: “We will be staying in Tokyo to finish out the competition. Personally, yes, I want to be fisted by every possible competing nation that I can, but we also need to stay to the end so we can at least bring home a Certificate of Participation. I feel like if we show up empty-handed, people might yell at us.”
Indeed, the U.S. women’s team is likely to face a less than “inclusive” atmosphere back home, where there have been myriad calls for the entire team’s and coaching staff’s deportation and execution.
N.P.: “The Devil in Me” – Suzi Quatro
