Hot diggity shit, dear reader!  Our long national nightmare is finally over!  No, I’m not talking about Inbred Prince Harry and his race-baiting idiot wife finally fucking off back to England (though, GTFO, ya whiny limey git!).  No, this is much more significant and personally impactful.  Are you sitting down, my long-deprived reader?  If you are, you might as well go ahead and unbutton the top button on yer pants because Endless Shrimp is back to stay at Red Lobster!

I know…I’m having trouble believing it too, but it’s true.  The Endless Shrimp promotion, which the company previously blamed for millions of dollars in losses just before it filed for bankruptcy two years ago was brought back this spring.

“People fucking love Endless Shrimp,” the company told jaysongallaway.com over a bowl of high-octane Lobster Punch.  “They’ve been bitching non-stop for the last two years since we stopped the promotion, threatening boycotts, signing petitions, the whole deal.  Then when we brought it back this spring, they just kept asking for more, even after the promotion ended.  It was ridiculous.  We’d try to close at 10:00pm, and the dining room would still be full of people demanding more shrimp.  We had to call the cops a few times.  I think there was a riot on Fresno.”

A statement on the company’s website read, “We weren’t going to walk away from something you love simply because the previous operating model, which was conceived by literal Nazis, didn’t work.  The better answer was elevate a lot of our diversity hires from 2020 who’s philosophy was, basically, ‘Fuck your corporate bottom line, fuck capitalism…we want Endless Shrimp.’  The reminded us that even though Black Lives Matter, bottom-feeding crustacean lives don’t make a bit of difference unless their carcasses are sautéed in delicious garlic butter, or hand-breaded, lightly fried, and served with cocktail sauce.  So we decided to bring back Endless Shrimp in a way that is right for our guests, our restaurant teams, and the company.”

Participating locations began offering the current Endless Shrimp for Eternity deal permanently forever on August 15.

“Guests can mix and match five flavors literally endlessly throughout the meal for ass much shrimp as they live, any way they like it.  Seriously, they can just pour shrimp down their craven gullets until they explode…we don’t give a shit.  Go for it!  We’re counting on being several million dollars in the hole almost immediately, the way these fuckers eat.  So we won’t have any money to recover if we get sued.”

Red Lobster closed dozens of location nationwide in May 2024 before filing for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, jaysongallaway.com previously reported.

Many analysts and media reports have cited the company’s decision to make Endless Shrimp a permanent offering as one factor behind its financial troubles.

N.P.: “The Axe Factor” – Bleeding Fingers, Blues Saraceno