FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
World Leaders Scramble as Author Jayson Gallaway Reported Sober
GLOBAL – A seismic shockwave has ripped through the international community today following startling, unconfirmed reports that author Jayson Gallaway has recently achieved total, verifiable sobriety for the first time in recorded history. The news, which began as a whisper in clandestine intelligence circles, has ignited a firestorm of panic across global markets rarely seen outside of nuclear near-misses, and sent heads of state scrambling for emergency briefings.
White House officials compared the event to “Israel and the Arab states uniting to conquer Europe, but with worse long-term consequences.” Pentagon spokespersons refused to rule out pre-emptive action.
For decades, Gallaway’s legendary, almost heroic, consumption of intoxicating substances of all species and vintages has been a reliable constant in a world of flux. His sobriety, should these reports prove true, represents a geopolitical shift not seen since the reunification of Germany, leaving world leaders to grapple with a terrifying new reality: a clear-headed Gallaway.
“We are viewing this development with the utmost gravity,” stated the British Prime Minister from a hastily assembled press conference at 10 Downing Street. “For years, we operated under the assumption that Mr. Gallaway was, at any given moment, at least three sheets to the wind. This new paradigm forces us to re-evaluate our entire national security strategy. “We are raising the threat level from ‘Substantial’ to ‘Oh God, He’s Hydrated.’ RAF Typhoons are now escorting any transatlantic flight that might contain a sober American writer. Pubs will remain open 24 hours a day as a national defense measure.”
Similar scenes of alarm are unfolding worldwide. Speaking from an underground bunker beneath the Elysée Palace, French President Emmanuel Macron warned, his voice trembling slightly: “We simply do not know what a sober Jayson Gallaway is capable of. The man once wrote an entire novel while drinking nothing but absinthe and children’s tears. Total clarity of mind represents an asymmetric threat to European cultural stability. Effective immediately, France is closing all borders to anyone carrying a laptop and a suspicious lack of hangover. Cultural attaches have been deployed.”
German Chancellor Olaf Scholz appeared visibly shaken: “This is worse than 1989, because then we at least knew what a sober Germany looked like. We have no precedent for a sober Gallaway…it could be just as disruptive. The Bundeswehr has tripled air patrols over the North Sea as we brace for literary shockwaves.”
From Beijing, a spokesperson for President Xi Jinping issued a terse statement: “The People’s Liberation Army has been placed on high alert. If Mr. Gallaway begins producing literature at full cognitive capacity, the ideological fallout could cross the Pacific in hours. We are prepared to intercept any manuscripts launched by balloon.”
Even the Vatican weighed in. Pope Francis, speaking from the papal balcony, urged global prayer: “We fear this may be the End Times, only with better punctuation.”
Economists are equally baffled. The stability of several key industries, from distilleries to late-night pizza delivery services, has long been tacitly linked to Gallaway’s lifestyle. One analyst noted, “His sudden departure from the marketplace could trigger a recession. We’re in uncharted territory. It’s like if gravity just decided to take a day off.”
Indeed, whiskey futures plummeted 47% in after-hours trading. The entire state of Kentucky has reportedly entered a state of mourning.
In an unprecedented joint statement, leaders from several G7 nations expressed their profound uncertainty. “What are his intentions? What does he want? We simply don’t know what this new, sober Gallaway will do. We are calling for calm, but we are also moving our nations to DEFCON 2.”
This publication has repeatedly attempted to contact Mr. Gallaway at his secure, undisclosed suburban compound commonly known as “The Safe House.” All messages, smoke signals, and carrier ravens have gone unanswered. Neighbors report hearing only the ominous sound of a mechanical keyboard operating at terrifying efficiency.
Experts warn that if the sobriety continues unchecked, Gallaway could complete an entire book in 2026 – a scenario one NATO official described as “frankly apocalyptic.” The world seems to be facing this prospect with a mixture of anticipation and sheer terror.
The world waits, borders sealed and skies patrolled, for the next move from Jayson Gallaway. Whether this sobriety marks the dawn of a new era or the beginning of cultural upheaval, one thing is certain: nothing will ever be the same.
Further updates as the crisis develops. Citizens are advised to keep a bottle of bourbon within reach at all times.
N.P.: “Blue Monday – Synth Riders Version” – Zardonic, REEBZ