DEFCON 1 ALERT: The U.S. Must Obliterate Daylight Saving Time and Canonize Standard Time Before We’re All PERMANENTLY BONED!

Dear Mr. President, Mr. Speaker, Mr. Musk, and my fellow Americans,

Listen up—time’s hemorrhaging out of our collective sanity like a slashed artery, and we’re all complicit! Every spring, we grovel before the sadistic altar of Daylight Saving Time (DST), wrenching our clocks forward into a maelstrom of disruption that’d make Kafka blush. Some brain-dead bureaucrats and sun-worshipping yahoos are now howling to make DST permanent—a move so cataclysmically idiotic it’d hurl us into a dystopian abyss of jet-lagged despair. We’ve got ONE shot to stop this lunacy: the U.S. government must nuke DST into oblivion and anoint Standard Time as our eternal law. Here’re five reasons—etched in the blood of reason—why Standard Time is our only salvation, why permanent DST is a one-way ticket to Bedlam, and a screaming neon warning from our last disastrous flirtation with this madness in the ‘70s.

1. Standard Time Is Our Circadian Lifeline—DST Is a Biological Guillotine
   Our meat-sacks are hardwired to groove with the sun’s primal pulse, and Standard Time’s the only rhythm that doesn’t spit in Mother Nature’s face. Permanent DST? It’d shove sunrises so far past 8 a.m. in winter you’d need a miner’s helmet to find your coffee. The American Academy of Sleep Medicine screams it loud: misaligned clocks jack up heart attacks, obesity, and suicidal ideation like some twisted pharmaceutical trial gone rogue. Standard Time cradles our pineal glands with morning light, syncing us to the cosmic beat. Permanent DST would fling us into a Stygian dawnless hell, scrambling our neurons into a quivering mess. You want to live like a vampire? I tried it for a few years back in the 90s, and the results, while interesting, weren’t anything approximating “good.”
2. Morning Safety or a Slaughterhouse Dawn? Choose Now!
   Permanent DST fetishizes twilight picnics while tossing schoolkids and commuters into a pitch-black meat grinder. Winter mornings under DST mean buses rolling in darkness thicker than a Bukowski bender—National Highway Traffic Safety data shrieks that pedestrian deaths skyrocket when visibility’s nil. Standard Time floods dawn with light, shielding our kids from fenders and our roads from carnage. Trading that for an extra hour of evening glow is like swapping a fire extinguisher for a sparkler. DST’s a death warrant for the vulnerable, and I’m not signing it—are you?
3. Productivity or a Zombified Workforce? The Economy’s Screaming!
   DST’s biannual clock-twist already kneecaps us, but permanent DST would be an economic cluster-bomb. Workers dragging their carcasses through coal-mine mornings lose focus faster than a politician dodging taxes. A 2016 study pegged DST’s chaos as a multi-billion-dollar anchor on GDP—now imagine that year-round! Standard Time’s steady hand aligns work with sunlight, juicing output like a triple espresso. Permanent DST’s late sunrises would gut morning industries—think farmers milking cows by flashlight, builders hammering in the dark. You want to tank the Dow Jones for a sunset beer? Hell no!
4. Energy Savings? DST’s a Lie That’d Choke Mephistopheles!
   They peddled DST as an energy-saving messiah, but that’s a con job bigger than USAID. A 2008 Department of Energy report laughed it off—DST barely dents the grid, and permanent DST could spike usage as we blast heaters and floodlights to survive arctic mornings. Standard Time leans into natural light, slashing our electric bills like a samurai on speed. Locking in DST would burn resources faster than a Vegas casino, and for what? So we can barbecue at 9 p.m.? That’s not progress—that’s pyromania!
5. Global Sync or a Pariah’s Clock? The World’s Watching!
   The planet’s sane nations—Japan, India—stick to Standard Time’s kin, keeping their clocks tight with solar noon like a Swiss watch. Permanent DST would make us temporal outcasts, our winter clocks so skewed we’d be calling London at 3 a.m. for a noon meeting. Trade, travel, diplomacy—all snarled in a jet-lag jungle. Standard Time keeps us locked into the global pulse, a metronome for civilization. DST’s a middle finger to Greenwich, and I’m not waving it!

The ‘70s Fiasco: A Screaming Ghost We Can’t Ignore
I’m old enough to remember 1974, when Nixon’s crew, drunk on oil-crisis panic, rammed through permanent DST like a runaway freight train. The result? A national nervous breakdown! Sunrises vanished till 9 a.m., kids trudged to school in a horror-flick fog, and traffic deaths spiked 10%—federal stats don’t lie. Parents rioted, approval ratings cratered to 30%, and Congress bailed by ‘75, tails between their legs. It wasn’t just bad policy; it was a societal knee-capping that left scars. We danced with that devil once, and the band played a dirge and then quit mid-song. Let’s not RSVP to the sequel!

This Is It—The Final Countdown!
Permanent DST isn’t a policy debate—it’s a five-alarm fire in our already-damaged collective psyche! It’s a health-wrecking, kid-endangering, economy-tanking, resource-burning, world-alienating catastrophe. Standard Time’s our lifeline, a beacon of sanity in this chrono-carnage. Congress needs to quit dithering and torch DST like a bad acid trip. Every second we delay, we’re flirting with disaster—our bodies, our kids, our nation deserve better than this temporal tyranny. I’m screaming into the void here, and you should be too!

Grab your phone, your keyboard, your carrier pigeon—bombard your reps NOW! Demand they annihilate Daylight Saving Time and crown Standard Time king before we’re all drowning in darkness. The clock’s ticking, and it’s wired to explode.  #LockTheClock!  #FDSL

N.P.: “Howlin’ at the Moon” – Blues Saraceno