Here’s what I’m talking about, dear reader: tonight, I ordered a brownie with dinner. Simple, right? So the thing gets here, but before I can eat it, I have to endure the brownie’s wrapper, which is covered in hippy propaganda: the fucking thing is called a “Manifesto Brownie.” Goddammit, I just want a brownie, not some uneducated crystal rubber’s manifesto. Next time I order a brownie, I’ll be sure to ask them to “please hold the manifesto.” Which is a ridiculous thing to have to do, but here we are. And good lord. The wrapper boasts (I guess it’s a boast) that it has been crafted with “sustainable Peruvian chocolate.” What’s that mean? That the Peruvian natives can grow cocoa beans next year too? They’ve been growing this shit for centuries. Another little sticker proclaims, “Non GMO.” Again, no clue, don’t care. Here’s another one: “cage-free eggs.” I just want to eat a brownie! I don’t give a shit where the eggs came from, or what mood the hen was in when she laid them.
It’s just a brownie, no big deal. But a recent survey found that an astounding 38% of consumers (democrats) base their purchases not on the quality of the product, but rather the PC virtue signaling of the company. [Something like 10% of republicans confessed to thinking this way, and the libertarians just pointed guns at the survey-taker and politely invited them to mind their own business.] This is dangerous thinking simply because as soon as the success of one’s product is not correlated to the quality of the product, quality goes out the window. Competition ceases. Which results in crap. Let’s say there are two major smart phone companies. Smart Phone Company A has a vastly superior product: it’s fast and stable, its technology is cutting edge. Smart Phone Company B’s phone meets the minimum requirements for a smart phone, but that’s about all. However, SPC B has all the right messaging and virtue signaling in their tremendously successful ad campaign, so their phones outsell SPC A’s phone. The outcome of this is as inevitable as it is stupid.
This sort of nonsense is evidenced in the brownie’s wrapper’s complete dearth of claims about its tastiness. There is no mention of taste at all. It doesn’t claim to be delicious. It doesn’t even claim to be particularly healthy, natural, or “organic.” There is nothing here about the brownie at all…only how sensitive and PC the brownie makers are. I would respect this brownie significantly more if the label read simply: “This brownie is delicious. Fuck you.” I would buy stock in that company. Hell, I might start that company. Not brownies, though. My recipe still needs tweaking.
N.P.: “She’s Drunk All the Time” – Tim Timebomb
