Campaign Speech #1, Delivered 13 July 2025 at the Pregnant Lesbian Irish Pub, San Francisco, CA
Ladies and gentlemen, there is simply no arguing the fact that since 2012, under the leadership of a Democratic supermajority, the once beautiful and enviable State of California has become an unmitigated, festering shithole.  This state is a cancerous blight on an otherwise thriving nation.  Nothing thrives here except homelessness, drug-addiction, and third-world criminals.
Last night I asked AI to create a word cloud of the words most commonly used to describe California  across the internet.  Here it is.  “Worst…ballooning…clusterfuck…unsustainable…hellscape…cesspool…disaster…mismanagement…toilet…miasma…fecal vortex…woke shithole.”  And so on.  The biggest word on this tapestry of travesty, as you can see, is “worst.”  “Worst” is the word most used by the world to describe California in 2025.  And for good reason.  This state is the worse in everything: education, illegal immigration, water management, violent crime, theft, housing, environment, energy, insurance, cost of living, taxes and fees, healthcare…you name it.
Consumer Affairs recently compared all 50 states along with D.C. across five categories: affordability, economy, education and health, quality of life, and safety.  California was ranked the least desirable state to move to.
Compared to the other 49 states, California has:

• The highest poverty rate
• The highest state income tax rate
• The highest median home price
• The highest gasoline tax
• The highest number of federal welfare recipients
• The highest amount of unemployment benefit fraud
• The highest number of illegal immigrants
• The highest percentage of high-school dropouts
• The highest rates of human trafficking
• The highest homeless population (over 50% of the homeless in the U.S. are in California)
• The highest electricity prices

This list goes on and on and on the fuck on.  It’s hard to see how things would be any worse if we had no government at all.
Three years ago, California had a state budget surplus of $100b.  Today, it has a deficit of $75b.  No wonder half a million of our smartest, richest residents have fled the state for the greener pastures of literary any other state.
At this point, I think the best thing for all concerned is for the entire west coast to cleave off from the rest of the continent and just fall the fuck in the ocean.  With me on it…that’s fine.  If my 170lbs contributes to whatever makes this rotten carcass of a state disappear into the Pacific forever taking me with it, I will have died a noble death.
But I’m not here to give up.  I’m not here to let this shitty state sink into the abyss of its own incompetence and corruption.  I’m here to fight.  I’m here to drag California, kicking and screaming if I have to, out of the sewer it’s been wallowing in for too long.  I’m here to rip the rot out by its roots, to burn the deadwood, and to rebuild this state into something that doesn’t make the rest of the country gag when they hear its name.
We deserve better.  We deserve a state where your hard work isn’t punished with crushing taxes.  We deserve streets that aren’t covered with Fentanyl and shit.  We deserve schools that actually teach your kids, not indoctrinate them into the Woke Cult.  We deserve a government that words for us, not against us.
And so, tonight, I’m announcing my candidacy for Governor of California.  Thank you…thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Wow…thank you.  Does that mean I have your vote?  Ha!  Thank you.  Then let’s do it!  Let’s fix what’s broken!  Let’s clean up the mess!  Let’s make California a place people are proud to call home again.
My name is Jayson, and I’m running for Governor.  Because fuck these people!

N.P.: “Shake That” – Eminem, Nate Dogg