Most sports are stupid, but soccer is the stupidest of all. And without a doubt, the most useless soccer team in the entire stupid world of sports is the U.S. Olympic women’s team, whom, judging by today’s performance, spent their entire training season whining and bitching about politics and how they feel about it and which pronouns to call each other and a bunch of other irrelevant bullshit no one gives a fuck about, rather than learn how to kick, how to pass, or even how to score a goal.
The U.S. women’s team announced their cowardice and stupidity before the game even started by kneeling moronically, for the national anthem, disrespecting the flag of the country they are allegedly competing for. [Pro-tip: doing this makes you look like an absolute idiot. If you have such a significant problem with a certain country, why not compete for another country? If things are so bad that you must actually protest, then refuse to try out for the Olympic Team. Then hold daily press conferences and openly laugh as the team flounders without you. But in order for that to be effective, you have to be so good that your absence would be at least noticed, and no one on the U.S. women’s soccer team has even basic skill, let alone is “good.”]
Once the game started, the Swedish women’s team seemed genuinely confused as the U.S. team continued to kneel even after play had started. “It was weird,” said Inga Svernbirg, goalie for the Swedish team. “After the first two minutes of play, coach pulled me out of the game totally. He said, ‘You might as well sit down and rest…save yourself for the Italians…they’re a real team.'”
Indeed the entire sporting world was as confused as the Swedes as the Americans remained on their knees for the duration of the “game,” allowing three quick goals in rapid succession by their bored Nordic opponents. “It was like shooting puppies,” continued Inga. “We were embarrassed for them. When it became obvious that they didn’t even seem to know how to play soccer, we decided it would be less humiliating if we just spent the rest of the game fisting them. So that’s what we did.”
Viewers around the world reacted with glee, outrage, and everything in between as they watched the Swedish team fist the U.S. team, sans lube. The Swedish coach fisted the U.S. coach. At one point, the Swedish coach had her arm so far up whatever hole in the U.S. coach that she seemed to be making him talk and dance like a puppet. Even the Swedish television crew got in on the fun, fisting the commentators and crew from NBC. “They don’t even respect their own country, why should we respect them,” said a Swedish cameraman who was elbow deep in NBC’s Mike Tirico.
The American coach was rather taciturn at the post-game presser until he was asked to explain his team’s humiliation on the world stage, at which point, he became unhinged and apoplectic: “What the fuck do you want me to do?! Not one of these idiots knows the first thing about competing, let alone winning. You, shitty American parents, raised them playing soccer without keeping score! Sports with no score! Because they were, apparently, too fragile and weak to be asked to artfully deal with such brutal concepts as loss and failure. And now you have the audacity to act surprised and get mad at me when all they know how to do is kneel down before an opponent and get fisted. These idiots are amateur nobodies who are incapable of scoring a single fucking goal and they have the unmitigated gall to think anyone gives the slightest shit what you think about anything! You need to win a fucking game first! Holy shit. Anybody knows this: you win the fight, then you dedicate the fight to your dying mother. If you dedicate the fight to her before the fight and then you lose, you just killed your mother. Fuckin’ idiots. I’ve had enough. All of you can go fuck yourselves: I quit!”
A survey conducted by this website this afternoon found that the majority of Americans now support having the entire team (including coaching staff) shot, stripped of their citizenship, and deported.
N.P.: “Log Bomb” – Bob Log III
Thrilled to hear racist Jeff Besos launched himself into space in a gigantic dildo. Finally. So many of my dreams have been coming true lately, it seemed like just another one off the list: one of the great assholes of our time, hurling himself into the void. I mean, it wasn’t even my birthday. I was subsequently crushed to learn that racist Jeff Besos returned to earth. Alas. Maybe next time. Fingers crossed. Virtue-signaling, hypocritical prick.
