I began taking issue with the Ten Commandments when I was 5 years old. Well, not all 10 of them, of course. Most of them seemed like pretty good rules, generally speaking: don’t steal, don’t lie, don’t murder, don’t fingerblast people to whom you are not married. I knew that all religions had similar divine edicts, and I knew that anybody who lived their lives following these rules would probably be a pretty decent person. But one of the Commandments that I was being taught clearly stood out (to me, at least) in both its unreasonableness and divine overreach. I was okay with “Thou Shalt Not Stick It In Thy Neighbor’s Wife.” Got it. No problem. I am in complete control of myself and my actions. Great. But the one that comes after that: “Thou Shalt Not Even Think About Sticking It In Thy Neighbor’s Wife.” Even to my five-year-old self, this seemed absurd. How the hell is anybody expected to do that? Apparently Whomever had put these edicts together had never seen my neighbor’s wife. I sure had. Mother of God. Every weekend, out in the driveway in jean shorts and a bikini top, washing old boy’s Jeep. Of course, as a toddler, I had no idea exactly why I liked looking at her or what it was I wanted to do with her, but I knew that someday I would.
From that point on, it was only a matter of time until I jettisoned any “Commandments” from on high and adopted my own code of ethics based on my actual life experience. Still, it can be helpful to have a constant set of rules to default to in times of crisis. And most people don’t seem to have the psychological wherewithal to come up with their own code…they are too unsure of themselves, I suppose. But they know deep down in parts of their psyches they don’t even know exist that trying to live one’s life in our modern world based on a set of rules or books written by people who never experienced electric light just doesn’t make sense. So if one must have rules, I’ve got a set one should check out. These are not original ideas and I did not write them (though I have taken significant liberties and edited and improved things a bit), but I do believe they would serve the modern world better than the Classic Ten. The truth is that I’d abided by these rules for decades before reading them below. To those with a more Disneyesque view of things, these may seem rather…I don’t know if blunt is the right word…extreme, maybe even? I guess I would describe them as realistic. Regardless, imagine if people only followed the first rule listed below. A beautiful quiet like we’ve never known would fall across the earth. Those insipid “reality” shows would instantly disappear. Actually, most of what passes for culture today would be gone. People would generally just shut the fuck up and we could probably stand to be around each other for more than a couple of hours at a time without being medicated, professionally or otherwise. Anyway, check them out. Give them a test drive. They’ve served me pretty well, especially recently.
- Do not give opinions or advice unless you are asked.
- Do not tell your troubles to others unless you are sure they want to hear them.
- When in another’s home, show him respect or else do not go there.
- If a guest in your home annoys you, treat him cruelly and without mercy.
- Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal.
- Do not take that which does not belong to you unless it is a burden to the other person and he cries out to be relieved.
- Do not complain about anything to which you need not subject yourself.
- Do not harm little children.
- Do not kill non-human animals unless you are attacked or for your food.
- When walking in open territory, bother no one. If someone bothers you, ask him to stop. If he does not stop, destroy him.
N.P.: “The Future” – Leonard Cohen
