I used to think that I had control over my writing, and in retrospect, it seems like I did. Not so anymore, dear reader. It works out, more or less, because I’m working on so many projects, there’s usually a place for everything I write. This weekend, for example, I’m really hoping to make serious progress on The Book. And I can have that intention, but that’s about it. What will actually happen is that I’ll sit in front of this computer and after putzing around for a couple of minutes, I’ll write something, but chances are that it will not be for The Book. Which is fine, though frustrating most days.
Anyway, some things are just kind of goofy riffs that don’t fit anywhere, don’t really say anything, and aren’t even particularly good. Anyway, here’s such a thing, for no good reason at all:
People are always asking me how I eat pounds of what is essentially garbage all day every day and never seem to gain any weight. Well, here’s my secret: It’s a tapeworm. Yep. Big ol’ creepy looking pasty white tapeworm. Back in 2013, I ingested a tapeworm while eating under-cooked pork belly tacos while on a motorcycle race across Brazil. At first, I’ll admit I wasn’t crazy about it, but after a few months, I not only began to appreciate what Ernesto (of course I named my tapeworm…to spend day and night with a parasite in your intestines actively depending on you for survival…it would be weird not to name it) could do for my waistline, but I also really enjoyed the company of my new friend, Ernie. In a lot of ways, he’s become much more of an anxiety-reducing therapy worm than a health-threatening parasite to me. He really is just great. Anyway, as attached as I have become to Ernie over the years, I feel it is now time for me to go it alone and try to digest all of my own food for a change. I think I just need to prove to myself that I can do it. But just because Ernesto and I will be parting ways doesn’t mean that he still doesn’t need a friend. And, of course, a host/hostess. I mean, I just think it would be cruel to kick him out onto the mean streets of California, especially after all he’s done for me. So I wanted to reach out to any of my friends who might be looking for a tested, reliable tapeworm…let’s talk. I mean, he is obviously literally a parasite, so any relationship is going to be pretty one-sided. But that doesn’t mean Ernesto doesn’t experience and express love in his own weird intestinal-worm-like way. If it seems like I’m really trying to sell how great Ernesto is, that’s because I am. I probably don’t have to tell you that the adoption rate for rescue tapeworms is abysmally low. And it would just be a shame to see such a hard working and loyal parasite have to be put down or sold as bait or whatever. So if you’re interested in adopting Ernie, drop me a line and we can arrange an exchange date and place. Serious inquiries only please,
Yeah, no clue.
N.P.: “Over My Head” – King’s X
