Started 3 or 4 ideas tonight…none of them yet fit enough to share here.  Maybe tomorrow, dearest reader…maybe tomorrow.

N.P.: “White Rabbit” – Collide

It’s too damn hot to write.  It’s really too damn hot to do anything.  It’s probably too hot to sleep, but I’m going to give it a shot.

N.P.: “Sleeping Bag” – ZZ Top

Gotta be brief tonight, dear reader…haven’t gotten much sleep the last two nights.  This wretched heat takes some of the blame for that.  Also way too much writing that needs to be done.  So I need a manager, an assistant, and at least 10 more hours in each day.  A mental health treatment team would be helpful as well.  And a masseuse.

N.P.: “The Shooting Star” – Gojira

You know who can fuck right off, dear reader?  Comedy Central.  These idiots posted a hilarious routine by Dina Hashem in which she told a joke about XXXtentacion’s dead ass on Twitter, and then some whiny hypersensitive 10-ply subgeniuses from the outrage crowd bitched, and Comedy Central SCRUBBED THE VIDEO.  And now, this poor girl is getting death threats.  Honest to gods, the culture in the country has almost gotten stupid enough to be dangerous.

Dina, you’re hilarious.  I’m sure this experience will just embolden you…I hope that’s what happens.  If you have any material that you want to publish someplace that has your back, send it to me.  I don’t take down shit, I apologize for nothing, and I view death threats as an amusing barometer of my efficacy.

Jesus…comedy shops have been cancelling guests for a while now do to similar bullshitty reasons, and now Comedy Central.  I’m tempted to start a gofundme for Fuck Your Feelings Comedy Stores across American, and maybe a cable network…something like, “the Go Fuck Yourself If You Can’t Take a Joke Channel.”   Because there’s going to be a market if this nonsense keeps up.  People have senses of humor and need to laugh, and I’m hoping that sooner rather than later, people are going to get pissed off about not having anything funny to watch anymore because some idiot with feelings said something, and tell the the idiot and his companions where they can stick their feelings.

N.P.: “Fuck This Shit I’m Out” – The Theme Song

Geena Davis has just finished production on a feminist retelling of that most misogynistic novel and movie, “Lord of the Flies.”  With its all male cast.  This one’s called “Fly Girls,” and it was written by women (or biological men who identify was women, cuz, same-same), for women (or, again, biological men who identify was women, cuz, again and still, same-same), and produced with an all female cast, natch.  Snatch.  Her initial idea of simply changing all the male names to female ones was shot down when the estate of the original screenwriter said via counsel that “if she changes a single fucking comma in that screenplay, I swear to Christ my client and I will litigate viciously.  I almost hope she does…that would be so much fun.”

So without further ado, here is Geena Davis’ Fly Girls.  (Or maybe this is Das Booties, her feminist retelling of the fateful story of a misogynistic and rather phallic German submarine in World War 2.  Could be either one.  It doesn’t matter.  Because does anything matter anymore?)

Enjoy.

N.P.: “Mannish Boy” – Muddy Waters

I have been unbelievably clumsy today.  It’s been comical.  And absurd.  Kicked a trashcan whilst trying to make a silent, predawn exit.  Crashed a golf cart whllst ghost-riding the whip.  And then, in an event I shall not describe at all, I went to drink a chocolate shake and somehow ended up covering myself and much of the room with it.  I had to wash my clothes, all my bedding, and my hair.  i had chocolate shake in my right ear.  For my next trick, while I was attempting to clean up the Great Shake Massacre, I spilled a thing of water across most of a desk…you know, the kind with important papers on it?  Ta-da.

Freudians (if there are any of those left around) would say that my subconscious is clearly very pissed off about something that my conscious self is doing and is thus acting out, like a child, sabotaging whatever my conscious self is trying to do.  And they would be right.  My subconscious is in full revolt.

I really wanted to drink that shake.

N.P.: “After Dark” – Tito & Tarantula

I quit going to concerts or live performances a long time ago because I hated the crowd.  I hate all crowds, but what really pissed me off about concert crowds was that they were there to party/hookup/get wrecked/mosh/whatever, pretty much anything except watch the fucking band.  Which is why I’m there.  I went to concerts the way most graduate students go to class: totally focused, watching, studying, learning.  Once I started messing around with “music journalism,” following bands around, I’d get all-access backstage passes, and holy shit…it was perfect.  Fuck the crowd.  The unwashed masses are out there, on the other side of big barriers, on the other side of a platoon of security…fuck ’em.  And if I wanted to know how somebody hit that really high note on the guitar solo, i could watch him do it from 5 feet away.  And once you experienced that, there is no going back to general admission.  Totally impossible.  Thus, so much for yrs. truly going to concerts.

As you can imagine, as intolerable as I find normal concerts, I find the idea of festivals deplorable.  It’s the triumph of the extroverts, and fuck that.  So the news that Woodstock 50 is likely not going to happen does not move my needle.  My contempt for festivals aside, it’s just not a good idea.  The first Woodstock was great.  But what make it great wasn’t anything that was planned.  Yes, of course the event was planned, and the acts were scheduled.  But the “magic” that made it what it was was unplanned and could never be replicated.  The order of the acts be determined by their abilities to get to the venue, the ultimate collapse of the ticket/fee structure, when far more people showed up than had been expected.  “It’s a free concert from now on.”  And everybody cheered.  That simply would not happen 2019.  Take Burning Man.  How much are they charging to join that joke this year?  Hold on, I have Google….

$390.  Mother of God.  Oh, and, if you don’t feel like walking to the Black Rock desert carrying 7 days worth of food, water, and drugs, you can pick up a vehicle pass for another $80.  (Right now you can pick up a round trip ticket from California to Hawaii for $278.  Just saying.)  Anyway, okay…So this year Burning Man starts August 25 and fucks off September 2.  They are selling 23,000 tickets, and the event is expected to sell out.  So forget the vehicle passes…just from the box office, Burning Man is taking in just shy of $9 million.  So imagine on August 25, wanting to get their $390 worth, all 23,000 paying customers show up and set up camp (I have no idea why I’m turning this into a goddamn word problem) and start taking their drugs.  But after all 23K ticket holders have been let in, there are still droves of people showing up.  And they can’t put a fence around the entire playa, so another 15,000 people who didn’t pay for tickets show up, and they just take the long drive around the perimeter and come in from the other side.  Burning Man security tries to regulate, but they are ridiculously outnumbered and ill equipped to deal with this onslaught of addled humanity, and so on Day 3, they just say Fuck It and announce, “It’s a free event from now on.”  Exactly 23,000 people would riot immediately and vigorously.  With enthusiasm and vigor and malice aforethought.  And right around the time they put out the fires and scooped up the bodies and cleaned up that mess, the class action lawsuit would be filed.  Woodstock didn’t end in a riot because that was then (hippies) and this is now (assholes).

But this one, Woodstock 50…let it go.  It’s not going to happen.  After the most recent devastating setback (denial of a permit), the organizers released a statement: “We regret that those in Vernon who supported Woodstock have been deprived of the once-in-a-lifetime chance to be part of the rebirth of a cultural peace movement that changed the world in 1969 and is what the world needs now.”

Nope.  If you believe any of this shit, you’ve been getting high on your own supply, methinks.  The “cultural peace movement” you’re alleging to rebirth is deader than the dude in the green suit that got killed at Altamont 4 months after Woodstock. Remember Woodstock ’94?  That was the shit.  And you know what made it the shit?  Nine Inch Goddammit Nails.  Boy, were they pissed off.  Trent, twatted off his bean on toot, onstage just talking waffle and getting entirely too much enjoyment out of saying “fuck” on pay per view.  And other than the name, it had nary a damn thing to do with the original Woodstock or hippies or peace and love.  No.  It was about anger and contempt, and it was great.

About the last thing the world need right now is another overpriced faux hippy love fest.  “Back to the 60s!  Back!  There’s no place for you here in the future!” ~ Terrance Mann

N.P.: “Cake by the Ocean” – DNCE

I’m still pretty steamed at Geena Davis’ idiocy.  Writing that stuff last night, I got worked up into a goddamn fit, and I woke up every two hours shouting, “Fuck you” in the darkness.

Using her moronic logic, I think she stopped a bit short.  After you’re done “just changing all the male names to female names” in order to achieve gender parity, why not just erase the name of the male writer and replace it with a female name, thus achieving “parity” in screenwriting.

This sort of shit makes my head ache.

In other news, the Loretta Police Department in Tennessee is asking the good citizens of Loretta to please stop flushing their meth down the toilet during raids, as it is creating “meth gators” downstream from the retention ponds.

Okay, enough of this bilge, dear reader.  Back to the real work.

N.P.: “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” – William Shatner