Well, hell, dear reader…it’s Monday again.  Today we’re faceplanting into the chaotic intersection where fate decided to play cosmic jukebox with two literary badasses.  August 25 – a date that should be etched in bourbon and typewriter ribbon – gave us both a literary assassin’s birth cry in 1938 and watched a literary butterfly’s final flutter in 1984.

Frederick Forsyth slithered into existence on this very day, though he probably emerged from the womb clutching a press pass and muttering something about covert operations in three languages.  Uncle Fred had the audacity to gift us The Day of the Jackal, which, and I’m not ashamed to admit this despite my well-documented pharmaceutical enthusiasm and questionable life choices – housed my second-favorite literary character during those formative years when I was still young enough to believe adults knew what they were doing.

The Jackal, that ice-cold professional with his meticulous attention to detail and his absolutely zero-fucks-given approach to geopolitics, captured something primal in my pre-adolescent imagination.  Here was a character who treated assassination like a particularly complex chess problem, complete with multiple identities, forged papers, and the kind of methodical precision that would make a Swiss watchmaker weep with envy.  The Count of Monte Cristo held the top spot, as you know – because what red-blooded vengeance-minded literary maniac doesn’t worship at the altar of Dumas’ revenge masterpiece – but The Jackal ran a damn close second.

This, oddly enough, came up in a talk I was having with my psychiatrist a couple of years back, when we were trying to untie the knot of some of my more unusual personality traits.  He wanted to know what it was about these characters [our discussion included a couple of other, similarly “dark” characters] that grabbed me by the intellectual throat.  After some thought, I told him it was their shared commitment to the long game, their willingness to subsume their entire existence into the service of a singular, magnificent obsession.  The Count had his decades-long revenge plot; The Jackal had his surgical approach to political elimination.  Both understood that true artistry requires patience, preparation, and an almost pathological attention to detail.  We’ll definitely be diving significantly deeper into all that in the book, so we’ll leave it there for now.  But if you haven’t, check out The Day of the Jackal, if you’re into dispassionate badassery.

While Forsyth was celebrating another year of breathing on this planet in 1984, Truman Capote – that brilliant, tortured, fabulous wreck of literary genius – was taking his final bow.  August 25th, 1984, marked the end of a man who had revolutionized non-fiction with In Cold Blood and scandalized high society with Answered Prayers.

Capote died at 59, which in literary years is basically infancy – especially considering the prodigious amounts of chemical enhancement many of us require just to function at baseline creativity levels.  The man who gave us Holly Golightly and redefined true crime narrative structure succumbed to what the medical establishment politely called “liver disease due to multiple drug intoxication,” which is basically doctor-speak for “he had Too Much Fun.”

The beautiful irony isn’t lost on me: on the same calendar date, we celebrate the birth of a master of cold, calculated fiction and mourn the death of a master of warm, devastating truth.  Forsyth gave us The Jackal – methodical, emotionally detached, professionally lethal.  Capote gave us characters who bled authentic human messiness all over the page, who made us feel things we weren’t entirely comfortable feeling.

Both men understood something fundamental about the writing life: sometimes you have to become someone else entirely to tell the truth.  Forsyth disappeared into his research, becoming a journalistic chameleon who could write about international intrigue with the authority of someone who’d actually lived it.  Capote disappeared into his subjects’ lives, becoming so intimately connected to Perry Smith and Dick Hickock that their story became indistinguishable from his own psychological journey.

And maybe that’s what drew me to The Jackal all those decades ago – not just the character’s professional competence, but the recognition that great art, requires a kind of controlled schizophrenia, a willingness to fragment yourself across multiple identities in service of the story.  Every writer worth their whiskey knows this feeling: the moment when you stop being yourself and start being the conduit for something larger, stranger, and infinitely more dangerous than your normal, everyday consciousness.

So here’s to August 25th, a collision of literary birth and death.  Here’s to Forsyth, who, unfortunately, passed on June 9th of this year.  And here’s to Capote, who burned out but never faded away.  And here’s to The Jackal, that cold-blooded professional who taught a young reader that sometimes the most compelling characters are the ones who’ve learned to disappear completely into their work.

After all, isn’t that what we’re all trying to do?  Disappear so completely into our craft that what emerges isn’t us anymore, but something infinitely more interesting?
[Raises glass of something appropriately destructive]
To the professionals, living and dead.  May their aim always be true.

N.P.: “Late Night Call” – Goblin, Alan Howarth, Retrofuture

Happy Saturday, my dearest reader.  Yesterday I was pulled away from the Dissolute Desk on urgent government business, and I regrettably missed an important day on the D.P.S. calendar.  Yesterday, August 22nd, was the day the cosmos decided to bless us with one Raymond Douglas Bradbury.  And I, due to the aforementioned government business resulting in a catastrophic failure of my moral obligations to the literary gods, completely and utterly whiffed it.  Blew past it like a bat out of some very strange and beautifully rendered hell.

One hundred and five years, or thereabouts, since the man first started inhaling oxygen.  And where was I?  Engaged in some deeply unimpressive, bureaucratic rescue mission.  How embarrassing.  The sheer, uncut, high-octane shame of it all is a heavy coat, dear reader.  I’ve missed deadlines, flights, and the occasional dental appointment, but missing the birth-date of the guy who basically invented the poignant sci-fi liver kick?  That feels like a special category of personal failing, a stain on my already questionable permanent record, governmental callings be damned.

To be clear, we’re talking about the architect of Fahrenheit 451, a book so prescient it feels less like fiction and more like a user manual for the last decade.  He’s the guy who took the simple, Rockwellian canvas of the American Midwest and splattered it with alien loneliness and the quiet terror of a passing carnival.  He saw the future, not as a chrome-plated utopia of flying cars, but as a place of profound human longing, where technology mostly just gave us newer, more efficient ways to be sad and isolated.  And he did it all with prose that could make a poet weep.

To have built entire worlds – worlds that are now permanently etched onto the collective cerebral cortex of anyone with a library card and a soul – and for some over-caffeinated scribe to neglect to raise a glass on the proper day…well, it’s a cosmic joke of the highest order.  A real something-wicked-this-way-comes level of disregard.

I picture Ray, somewhere out in the great, starry expanse he wrote about so lovingly, looking down and shaking his head.  Not in anger, but with that signature blend of knowing sadness and wry amusement.  He’d probably get it.  He understood human folly better than anyone.  He knew we were all just a bunch of flawed, forgetful apes running around, trying our best not to burn the books or miss the important things.

So here it is, 24 hours late and a dollar short: Happy Birthday, Ray.  Thanks for the Martians, the witches, and the firemen.  Thanks for making us look at the stars and feel a little less alone, and a little more terrified, all at once.  I’ll be over here, trying to recalibrate my entire existence and setting approximately 17 alarms for next year.  Forgive me.  Or don’t.  You’ve earned the right to be picky.

N.P.: “Let It All Go” – Beats Antique, Preservation Hall Jazz Band

Guess what today is, dear reader.  Well, yeah, smart ass…it’s August 20th.  But do you know the significance?  Today we are celebrating the birth of a man who somehow managed to make tentacles terrifying long before Japanese pop culture turned them into something else entirely – though let’s be honest, Howard Phillips Lovecraft probably would have found that particular cultural evolution more horrifying than anything he ever conjured up in his fever dreams of non-Euclidean geometry and cities that shouldn’t exist but absolutely do in the space between your third drink and your fourth panic attack.

And yes, before you ask, I am already three whiskeys deep into this tribute, because how else does one properly commemorate the birthday of a guy who spent his entire literary career essentially screaming “THE UNIVERSE IS INDIFFERENT TO YOUR EXISTENCE AND ALSO THERE ARE FISH PEOPLE” at anyone within earshot?

The thing about Howard – and I’m calling him Howard because we’re birthday buddies now, cosmically speaking – is that he possessed this absolutely deranged ability to take the fundamental anxiety of existing in a universe that makes no sense whatsoever (which, let’s face it, it pretty much the human condition distilled to its purest essence) and transform it into prose so dense with subordinate clauses and baroque descriptive passages that reading it becomes its own kind of madness-inducing experience, a literary equivalent of staring directly into the abyss while the abyss files your taxes incorrectly and charges you late fees.

Dig, if you will (and you will, because I’m not giving you a choice here), the sheer audacity of a man who looked at the conventional horror tropes of his era – your garden variety ghosts, vampires, werewolves, things that go bump in the night and occasionally demand your lunch money – and said, “No, thank you, I’ll take cosmic insignificance with a side of tentacles and an extra serving of geometry that makes mathematicians weep.”  This is a writer who made angles scary.  Fucking angles!  Try explaining that so someone at a party.  Try explaining that to someone at a party.  I’ve tried, and it went something like this: “Well, you see, it’s not just any angle, it’s a non-Euclidean angle, which means it exists in ways that shouldn’t be possible, and also it’s probably connected to an ancient god-thing that regards humanity the way you regard the bacteria living in your kitchen sponge.”

But here’s where it gets deliciously absurd (and by delicious, I mean the kind of delicious that makes you questions your life choices while simultaneously reaching for another drink): Lovecraft, this master of cosmic horror, this architect of existential dread, was apparently afraid of air conditioning.  The man who created Cthulhu – a creature so cosmically horrifying that merely glimpsing it drives people insane – was reportedly intimidated by modern technology to the point where he probably would have had a complete nervous breakdown if confronted with a smartphone notification.

The irony is so thick you could cut it with a sword forged in the fires of Azathoth’s blind idiot piping (which, for the non-English majors, is basically Lovecraft’s way of saying “really, really hot”), and yet somehow this contradiction makes perfect sense when you consider that his entire literary project was essentially an elaborate exploration of the terror that comes from realizing you don’t understand the world you’re living in – which, when you think about it, is exactly how most of us feel when trying to figure out why our Wi-Fi stopped working or why our car is making that weird noise that definitely wasn’t there yesterday but night have been there for months and we just now noticed it because we finally turned off the radio.

And let’s talk about that prose style for a moment.  Because reading Lovecraft is like being trapped in a very erudite Nyquil dream where every sentence contains at least 17 dependent clauses, three semicolons, and at least one reference to something that sounds vaguely geological but is actually a sleeping god whose dreams are responsible for that recurring nightmare you have about showing up to work in your underwear, except in this case your underwear is made of cosmic horror and your workplace is a dimension that exists perpendicular to reality.

The man wrote sentences so labyrinthine that getting to the end of one feels like completing a particularly challenging obstacle course designed by someone who studied both architecture and madness with equal dedication, which is to say that by the time you reach the period, you’ve forgotten not only where the sentence began but also your own name, your social security number, and whether or not you remembered to feed your cat this morning (spoiler alert: you didn’t, and now your cat is plotting you demise with the same cold calculation that Nyarlathotep  brings to his role as the Crawling Chaos).

But here’s the thing that gets me, the thing that makes me raise my glass (again) to old Howard on this, his birthday: despite all the cosmic pessimism, despite the fundamental belief that humanity is essentially a cosmic accident that will be forgotten as soon as the starts align correctly and the Old Ones wake up from their Really Long Nap, despite the prose style that requires a graduate degree in recursive sentence structure just to parse – despite all of this, there’s something weirdly optimistic about the whole enterprise.

Because think about it: Lovecraft spent his entire career imagining horrors so vast and incomprehensible that they make our daily anxieties seem laughably insignificant by comparison.  Worried about your mortgage?  Well, at least Yog-Sothoth isn’t trying to manifest through your bathroom mirror.  Stressed about some deadline at work?  Could be worse…you could be a character in “The Colour Out of Space” watching your entire family slowly dissolve into something that probably violates several laws of physics.

It’s horror as therapy, cosmic dread as a form of perspective-checking, existential terror as a weird kind of comfort food for people who find regular comfort food insufficiently terrifying and also lacking in tentacles.

And yes, we have to acknowledge that Howard had some serious issues with, well, pretty much everyone who wasn’t a white Anglo-Saxon Protestant living in New England circa 1920, which is to say that his personal brand of cosmic horror came with a heft side order of terrestrial horror that was, frankly, way more horrifying than anything involving fish people or dream dimensions, because at least the fish people had the decency to be fictional.

But here’s where literature gets weird and complicated and sometimes beautiful in spite of itself: somehow, through the alchemy of time and cultural evolution and the strange way that stories take on lives of their own once they’re released into the world, Lovecraft’s cosmic nightmares have become a kind of shared language for anyone who’s ever felt overwhelmed by the sheer incomprehensible vastness of existence – which is to say, anyone who’s ever been alive and paying attention for more than five consecutive minutes.

His creatures and concepts have escaped their original context and become metaphors for everything from corporate bureaucracy to social media algorithms to the general feeling of being a tiny, confused biological entity trying to make sense of a universe that operates according to rules nobody bother to explain to you and also the rulebook is written in a language that doesn’t exist and even if it did exist, it would probably drive you insane just to read it.

So here’s to you, Howard Phillips Lovecraft, on this sweltering August 20th, your birthday and mine to celebrate: thank you for taking the fundamental weirdness of being alive and cranking it up to eleven, then breaking off the volume knob and feeding it to something with too many teeth and not enough regard for the laws of physics.

Thank you for showing us that sometimes the best way to deal with the incomprehensible vastness of existence is to imagine it’s even more incomprehensible and vastly more vast than we originally thought, and also it has tentacles and probably wants to eat our dreams.

Thank you for proving that you can write sentences so complex that they become their own form of cosmic horror, where the real monster isn’t some ancient god sleeping beneath the ocean but the dangling participle that’s been haunting your prose since paragraph three.

And thank you most of all for reminding us that in a universe full of Things That Should Not Be, sometimes the most radical act is to imagine Things That Really, Definitely Should Not Be, and then spend your entire life writing about them with the kind of obsessive dedication usually reserved for people who collect vintage bottle caps or know way too much about the genealogy of minor European nobility.

Happy birthday, you magnificent, troubled, utterly singular architect of nightmares.  May your non-Euclidean angles remain forever acute, may your Old Ones stay comfortably asleep for at least another few decades, and may your literary legacy continue to inspire writers to create sentences so grammatically complex that they require their own GPS system to navigate.

[Raises glass to the cosmic void, which probably isn’t paying attention but might be, which is somehow both more and less comforting than complete indifference]

Ph’nglui mglw’nath Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn – and also, happy birthday, Howard.  Thanks for making the universe just a little bit weirder, which is exactly what it needed.

N.P.: “Cthulhu” – Gunship

So here we are again, dear reader, gathered around the literary campfire like a couple of degenerate scholars clutching our bottles of cheap wine and expired dreams, ready to sing the praises of the man who taught us that poetry doesn’t have to wear a tuxedo to a funeral – that sometimes it’s perfectly acceptable, even preferable, for verse to show up drunk, unshaven, and reeking of yesterday’s poor decisions.

Today marks the anniversary of August 16, 1920, when some cosmic chair-puller decided the world needed a man who would transform hangovers into haikus, who would alchemize the base metals of human failure into literary gold [Note: Honestly, dear reader, who else is going to give you alchemical references on a Saturday?  No one, that’s who.  Just sayin’.], and who would prove once and for all that you don’t need to be tortured by your art when life is perfectly willing to do the torturing for you.

Charles Bukowski – or Hank to those of us who like to pretend we knew him personally despite being more decades too late and several tax brackets too high – was the kind of writer who made the rest of us feel simultaneously inferior and relieved.  Inferior because, let’s face it, none of us will ever achieve that perfect synthesis of raw brutality and surprising tenderness that characterized his best work.  Relieved because thank God we don’t have to live through the kind of beautiful disaster that produced Post Office, Factotum, and Ham on Rye.

The man was essentially a one-person writing workshop for everyone who ever thought literature was too precious, too sanitized, too concerned with proper semicolon usage when what we really needed was someone to grab us by the literary lapels and scream, “Look, you pretentious fucks, this is what it actually feels like to be human!”  and he did this while maintaining a work ethic I can only dream about – thousands of poems, six novels, countless short stories, all produced while working dead-end jobs and drinking enough alcohol to float a small yacht.

But here’s where it gets complicated, because celebrating Bukowski means acknowledging the uncomfortable truth that separates the dilettantes from the devotees: the man wasn’t just playing at being a degenerate for artistic effect.  His was not some carefully cultivated persona designed to move units at Barnes & Noble.  This was authentic self-destruction, the Real Deal, unfiltered and unforgiving.  He lived the kind of life that most of us romanticize from the safety of our temperature-controlled offices, the kind of existence that looks glamorous in retrospect but probably felt like being slowly digested by a particularly sadistic snake.

What made Bukowski genuinely dangerous – and by dangerous I mean the kind of writer who forces you to reevaluate your entire relationship with both language and existence, as it did with me – was his refusal to apologize for any of it.  Not the drinking, not the gambling, not the brutal honesty about human relationships, not the way he could make a trip to the grocery store sound like a descent into one of Dante’s lesser-known circles of hell.  He wrote about ordinary humiliation with the kind of precision usually reserved for surgical procedures, and he did it without the safety net of ironic distance that most of us hide behind when confronting our own spectacular failures.

Let’s take Post Office, his semi-autobiographical novel about working for the United States Postal Service, which reads like Catch-22 if Joseph Heller had been raised on cheap beer and disastrous decisions instead of intellectual sophistication.  Bukowski transformed the mundane, banal bureaucratic nightmare of mail delivery into something approaching epic literature, proving that you don’t need to witness the fall of the Roman Empire to write about the human condition – sometimes all you need is a supervisor named Jonstone and the crushing realization that this job might not be temporary after all.

Or take his poetry, which achieved that rare feat of being simultaneously accessible and profound, like finding a twenty-dollar bill in a pair of jeans you were about to throw away.

Lines like “the free soul is rare, but you know it when you see it – basically because you feel good, very good, when you are near or with them” hit me hard, with the force of recognition.  The kind of truth that makes you stop whatever you’re doing and think, “Shit, this guy gets it.”

The irony, here, of course, which irony I suspect would have made Bukowski himself cackle 0 is that this man who spent his life running from respectability, who viewed literary establishment types with the same enthusiasm most people reserve for dental surgery, has becoming something approaching required reading in creative writing programs across the country.  College kids who’ve never worked a manual labor job in their lives are now studying his technique, analyzing his use of line breaks and discussing his “aesthetic choices” as if alcoholism were a literary device rather than a progressive disease.

But maybe that’s the point.  Maybe the ultimate joke is that Bukowski’s work survives not despite its rough edges but because of them, not because it fits neatly into academic categories but because it explodes them.  In an age where so much contemporary literature feels focus-grouped to death, workshopped into bland submission, and designed to offend absolutely no one while saying absolutely nothing, Bukowski’s voice still cuts through the noise like a rusty blade through a silk nightie.

So today, as we raise our glasses – and let’s be honest, we’re probably raising them anyway, Hank’s birthday or not – let’s toast the man who proved that literature doesn’t have to be polite to be powerful, that poetry can smell like cigarettes and still move mountains, and sometimes the most profound truths come from the people society has written off as the most hopeless cases.

Here’s to Charles Bukowski: patron saint of the perpetually hungover, laureate of the legitimately lost, and reminder that sometimes the most beautiful flowers grow in the ugliest soil.  The man who showed us that rock bottom has excellent Wi-Fi and that the view from the gutter includes some spectacular sunsets.

Happy birthday, you bastard.  Know that the bar is still open, the typewriter still works, and somewhere in California, the spirit of honest literature is still stumbling through the streets, looking for the next great story and probably needing a ride home.

N.P.: “Night Has Turned to Day” – Fantastic Negrito

It’s not easy working on a book that you believe no publisher will ever touch.  There are morale issues with such an endeavor.  It can get tough to summon the energy and dedication to create something that may never see the light of day due to societal pusillanimity.  We live in the age of cowards, dear reader, which is wrist-slittingly depressing for some of us.  American society needs this book, but they are too afraid to even crack it.   Of course, if it does get published, it will be pretty revolutionary, if I may say so myself.

Here’s the thing about literary revolutions – they usually happen on Tuesday afternoons when  nobody’s paying attention, involving men with bad lungs and worse attitudes toward authority.  Which brings us, in that meandering way that all good stories eventually stumble toward their point (assuming they have one, which this one does, I think), to August 15th, 1945, when a certain skinny Brit named Eric Blair – though you probably know him by his pen name, the infinitely more ominous George Orwell – unleashed what might be the most savage takedown of totalitarian bullshit ever disguised as a children’s book about barnyard animals.  Animal Farm.  Two words that would make commissars shit themselves for decades to come.  Now, you might be thinking (and who am I to stop you from thinking, though the habit has become dangerous since this shitty decade began): “What’s so revolutionary about talking pigs?”  First you need to understand that this isn’t your average Charlotte’s Web situation.  This is literary napalm wrapped in the deceptively simple packaging of a fairy tale, which is exactly what makes it so goddamn brilliant.

Dig, if you will, this picture: It’s the middle of World War II, and here’s Orwell – already establishing himself as the kind of writer who looked at power structures the way an entomologist looks at particularly disgusting insects – crafting this razor-sharp allegory while the world burns around him.  The man had seen the writing on the wall (literally, considering his later work), and that writing spelled out the uncomfortable truth that maybe, just maybe, our glorious Soviet allies weren’t the freedom-loving champions of the proletariat they claimed to be.

But here’s where it gets interesting (and by interesting, I mean the kind of publishing nightmare that would make modern literary agents reach for the bourbon): Nobody wanted to touch this thing.  Publishers circled it like it was radioactive – which, in a sense, it was.  Political sensitivities were running higher than a meth-addled bat, and here comes Orwell with his talking pigs basically calling out Stalin as just another power-drunk pig in a different trough.

The rejection letters must have been poetry in their own right.  “Dear Mr. Blair, while we admire your allegorical approach to critiquing totalitarian regimes through the lens of barnyard democracy, we feel that now might not be the optimal time to publish what amounts to a literary assassination attempt on our wartime ally’s political system.  Also, talking animals are weird.  Sincerely, Cowardly Publishing House.”

But Orwell, bless his stubborn soul, kept pushing.  Because that’s what real writers do when they’ve got something to say: they say it, consequences be fucked.  The man had already taken a bullet fighting fascists in Spain (literally, through the throat), so a few nervous publishers weren’t about to stop him from exposing the porcine nature of power.

And then, finally, August 15th, 1945.  Secker and Warburg – publishers with enough testicular fortitude to recognize genius when it came wrapped in barnyard satire – released this literary dirty bomb into the world.  The timing was almost poetic: Japan had just surrendered, the war was ending, and suddenly everyone was free to start asking uncomfortable questions about what exactly they’d been fighting for.

The beauty of Animal Farm…the sheer, devastating brilliance of it…is how it works on multiple levels simultaneously.  Kids can read it as a simple story about farm animals.  Adults can appreciate it as a scathing indictment of Soviet totalitarianism.  Political scientists can analyze it as a meditation on the corruption of revolutionary ideals.  And cynics (like yrs. truly) can admire it as proof that sometimes the best way to tell the truth is to dress it up as a lie.

“All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.”  If that line doesn’t make you simultaneously laugh and want to burn down the nearest government building, you might want to check your pulse.

The book’s impact was immediate and massive.  Here was someone finally saying what a lot of people had been thinking but were too polite (or terrified) to articulate: that power corrupts absolutely, regardless of the ideology used to justify it.  That revolutionary leaders have an unfortunate tendency to become the very thing they overthrew.  That the pigs, quite literally, end up indistinguishable from the humans.

What makes this whole story even more tasty is the context: while Orwell was writing this devastating critique of Soviet communism, the Western world was still largely enchanted with Stalin and company.  The man was essentially committing literary treason against the prevailing narrative, and he did it with such style and wit that by the time people realized what he was doing, it was too late to stop him.

The book became a phenomenon – banned in Soviet countries (natch), embraced by Western readers hungry for someone to finally call bullshit on the whole utopian communist experiment, and studied in schools worldwide as an example of how literature can be both entertaining and subversive as hell.

So raise a glass (or 12) to George Orwell, literary badass and professional pain-in-the-ass to tyrants everywhere.  The man who proved that sometimes the most revolutionary act is simply telling the truth, even when – especially when – nobody wants to hear it.  He gave us talking pigs that tell us more about human nature than most humans ever will.

And that, dear reader, is how you stage a literary revolution.

Because in the end, we’re all just animals in someone else’s farm.  The question is: are we going to be the sheep, or are we going to be the ones exposing the pigs?

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need another drink.  All this talk of revolution and talking pigs has left me thirsty for desk bourbon and suspicious of barnyard animals.

N.P.: “My Angel” – Binary Park

I don’t even know why I try to do any serious writing in the summer…I have never been able to artfully express myself in this ridiculous and oppressive heat.  The higher the temperature, the lower the (good) word count.  That said, I shall continue to press, continue trying.  What the hell else am I going to do.

Today is a Triple Death Day on the D.P.S. calendar, so pour some out and throw some back for three literary badasses who have gone on to their Great Reward.  Unfortunately, I’ll have to be shamefully brief for each one, as this goddamn book is demanding attention, and I’m in no position to deny it.

Up (or perhaps down) first is William Blake.  This visionary poet and artist passed away on August 12, 1827.  If you’re not familiar, I highly recommend checking out Songs of Innocence and of Experience and The Marriage of Heaven and Hell, both being absolutely revolutionary, blending mysticism, some pretty radical politics, and raw creativity.  Blake’s defiance of conventional norms along with his unapologetic exploration of human nature and spirituality make his legacy patently badass in its fearless originality.  His death marked the end of a fascinating life spent challenging the status quo through art and words.

Next we have Thomas Mann, the German novelist and Nobel Prize winner who died on August 12, 1955.  If the dear reader is not familiar with him, check out Death in Venice and The Magic Mountain.  These both tackle some pretty big ideas – desire, morality, and the human condition – unflinchingly.  Mann showed a lot of courage in critiquing his society, especially during the rise of actual Nazism.  He has earned his place here for myriad reasons, with one of the biggest being impressive intellectual bravery.

Lastly is Ian Fleming, creator of James Bond, who died on August 12, 1964.  The Bond novels, starting with Casino Royale, redefined spy fiction with their suave, gritty, and unapologetically adventurous style.  Fleming used his own experiences as a naval intelligence officer to fuel his stories with a raw, larger-than-life energy – think fast cars, high stakes, and a hero who’s cool under pressure.  His death marked a pivotal moment for a franchise that still dominates pop culture, though now more for controversy than solid storytelling…recent efforts to make James Bond female have been met with bitter and brutal backlash from those of us who understand that you can’t swap the gender of a beloved character without profoundly changing that characters in ways that would make the original creator reach for a weapon in his grave.

Alright, dear reader…back to it.

N.P.: “Skeletal Parade” – Santa Hates You

Ugh, dear reader.  Your boy was laid low by a particularly pernicious case of The Crud.  Not just your common corner-store head cold, either – no, this was full-on pestilence, like consumption but with fewer dramatic gasps and more snot.  I’ve been sweating through my sheets like…I dunno, something that sweats inordinate amounts in the night, throat raw enough to be legally declared sushi, and my voice was just shot to hell.  Imagine Tom Waits gargling gravel in a hurricane.  It’s be a goddamn opera of misery with yrs. truly singing lead.

Alas, life, of course, refuses to press “pause” just because I’m horizontal and leaking from the face.  Which brings us to more pleasant things, a couple of things that made me smile whilst suffering the sickness.  To wit:

1. The days, dear reader, are getting noticeably shorter, while the nights are stretching their long, velvety fingers further and further into our lives.  This is the ever-shortening runway to autumn, the season that smells like woodsmoke and tastes like apple cider donuts.  And
2. Halloween is just 91 days away.  Just enough time to make panic decisions about costumes, pretend you’re thrilled when someone inevitably starts barking about pumpkin spice season, and stockpile a metric shit-ton of candy you have no intention of sharing with children.

As you know, dear reader, I love Halloween.  Think it’s great.  And I can’t wait for it to get here.  That said, however, a week ago…ya know, back in July…as I was driving skillfully through a college marching band, my eye was caught by something orange, black, and familiar: a sign for a Spirit Halloween Store.  In fucking July!  Then, the next night, I walked into the Fecal Creek Costco and couldn’t help but notice a 20-foot skeleton standing in the middle of a huge Halloween section.  Also in fucking July!  Again, I’m all about Halloween, but god damn!

Here’s the thing: Halloween is great in its own right, but a big part of why I love it has to do with all the other decidedly fall/winter things the holiday brings: Fall, and cooler weather, longer nights, the smell of rain on dead leaves.  And it’s the kick of “the holiday season.”  Time to watch horror movies and make beef stew.  It’s the same reason seeing pro football on tv makes me so happy.  I don’t give a shit about football, and fuck the NFL anyway.  No…football on TV means fall and winter are upon us.  Doing anything Halloweeny while it’s 100°F outside is grotesque.

Anyway, so much for all that.  We have a bit of D.P.S. business: today is Herman Melville’s birthday.  Uncle Herm was a master of deep-sea metaphors, perverse literary masochism, and radically labyrinthine sentences.  He took a whale, shock it so hard it became an existential crises, and then made everyone read 800 pages about it.

For the non-English majors joining us this evening, Melville is the mad bastard responsible for Moby-Dick, a painfully massive tome about a Captain obsessive war with a big-ass whale (it’s a bit more complicated and layered than that, but we’re not going down that rabbit hole tonight, dear reader).

Cheers to you, Herman.

N.P.: “Love & Happiness (Ghetto Filth Remix)” – Wiccatron

I’m gonna let you in on a bit of a secret, dear reader: my favorite book, my favorite story, ever, the one that has captured my psyche and imagination since the first time I heard it, at the age of six, is The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas.  The movie was going to be on TV back then, and my father seemed very interested in watching it (back then, nothing was on-demand: the three networks showed what they showed when they showed it, and if that didn’t work out with your schedule, tough shit – you didn’t get to see it.  My father, as I recall, had done a bit of schedule adjusting and planning to watch this movie).  Before it started, I asked him what it was about, and he told me: a young man is betrayed by his friends and acquaintances, even the woman he loves.  His friends conspire and lie and have the young man thrown in a gothic abomination of a prison for life for a crime he didn’t commit.  While he’s in prison, his father suffers greatly due to his son’s imprisonment and eventually dies from grief and poverty.  But then the young man escapes, finds a massive treasure, gets a new identity, and sets about taking his revenge on all those who betrayed him.  And that clicked so strongly in my head that I suspect my father actually heard the click.  I couldn’t imagine a more righteous fight: escaping from wrongful punishment and destroying those who were behind its infliction.

So then we watched the movie.  Back then, I thought most of what my father watched on TV (i.e., not cartoons) was boring.  Not that night.  That night I watched the entirety of the movie absolutely rapt.  I learned the young man’s name was Edmond Dantès, and he was my kindred spirit…or at least the first time I related to anyone, fictional or otherwise, in that way.  I also learned the best revenge is played in the long game.  It requires patience and unwavering will power to endure suffering and neglect.  I learned a lot of things that night…a surprising amount.  I didn’t know it at the time, but the experience of that story would be formative.  From that moment until right now as I’m sitting here typing this, revenge was, is,  and likely always will be my biggest motivator.  Seriously.  Fear not, dear reader…I’m aware of how problematic this is, and I have spent a great deal of time on various mental health professionals’ couches “dealing” with it.  For a while, on the advice and under the care of one such professional, I attempt to “let it go.”  All of it.  Quit viewing life as time to take out those on The List and spend my time in my head doing something else…feeling gratitude or some such hippie hooey.  I spent a couple years trying (I mean really trying) and failing (I mean really failing) to meditate.  Hell, I went to hypnotherapist about it.  Which was interesting, and those closest to me at the time noted that I was “a lot nicer,” but alas, it didn’t really take.  After a couple of awkward years, I said “fuck it” and went back to my vengeful ways.  It felt like coming home.  During a very uncomfortable time in my life, I was suddenly comforted.

Okay…gotta stop…all of this belongs in the book.  Besides, this isn’t supposed to be about me.  This is supposed to be about the birthday boy…the author of my favorite book.

Alexandre Dumas was born on this day in 1802, and if there’s any justice in the afterworld, the man is somewhere today picking sword fights with angels and uncorking bottles of celestial champagne.  He was larger than this messy, meat-grinding life – an unapologetic tornado of appetite, ambition, and literary brilliance.  This was the guy who gave us not only The Count of Monte Cristo, but also the more popular The Three Musketeers, which is, while I was diving into the story of the Count, what the other kids in my class were into.  He wrote about six jillion other tales of intrigue, betrayal, and swagger-dripping heroism.

But here’s the thing.  Among all his triumphs – and there are many – it’s The Count that sits at the top of the mountain, an exquisite cocktail of vengeance service ice-cold and spiked with the kind of high-stakes drama most writers can only fantasize about.  Reading it (for me) is like stepping onto a battlefield armed with rage, cunning, and a self-righteous thirst that could flatten nations.  And yet, my one complaint – with zero apology – is that Edmond Dantès, the Count himself, wimps out at the finish line.  Forgiveness?  Redemption?  Goddammit, no!  No, no, no.  Not in this house.

I am, as usual, almost completely alone in my opinion, here.  The Count of Monte Cristo is a supposed to be a redemption story, the redemption happening when Edmond/The Count realizes that his quest for revenge, which is a thing of absolutely beauty in my book, has consumed him and caused suffering to others (well, yeah!  Why else embark on a quest for revenge?) including “innocent” people (in my world this is known as “collateral damage”).  If you want to make an omelet, you’ve got to break some eggs.  But the Count suddenly seems to misplace his balls somewhere and decides to forgive his enemies and let go of his hatred.  Apparently the Count is capable of this, and good for him, I guess.  But this part of the story, when he just goes soft and starts listening to Taylor Swift and watching Disney content, is always a crushing disappointment for yrs. truly.

Here…allow me to elaborate a tad.  Imagine being Dantès.  Twenty-something, engaged to a beautiful woman, on the verge of your life’s dream, and then BAM!  A Machiavellian screwjob of the highest order.  Then you’re framed for treason, locked away in some wretched dungeon while your enemies profit from your ruin.  One guy marries your fiancée, for chrissakes!  Another climbs the career ladder using your blood as rungs.  But then, you escape!  Against all odds, you claw your way back into the land of the living, armed with a new name, a pile of Fuck You money and Titanic-level resources, and one singular purpose: make everyone who destroyed you pay.

For most of the book, Dantès embodies vengeance in its purest, most operatic form.  A chess master orchestrating ruin with surgical precision.  Poisonings, psychological warfare, financial annihilation – his betrayers are crushed one by one beneath the weight of their own sins, which he amplifies like some vengeful, God-tier conductor.  It’s satisfying in that primal, blood-thirsty way that it seems humanity doesn’t really like to admit.  This is revenge as art.

But then.  Then.  After something like 1400 glorious pages of well-earned savagery, Dantès does the unthinkable – he gets soft.  He fucking forgives.  He decides vengeance has consumed too much of his soul or whatever philosophical drivel we’re meant to accept as closure.  Sure, maybe that makes him a “better person,” but some of us don’t read The Count of Monte Cristo for moral improvement.  Some of us want to see these backstabbing weasels buried six feet under with nothing but ruinous regret to keep them company.  Redemption is Disneyesque, kindergarten nonsense.  I want scorched earth.  Blood.  I want heads on spikes.

Which isn’t to say that the book is anything less than one of the greatest novels ever written.  I just rewrite the last chapters in my head every time I finish it – and in my version, no one crawls out unscathed.  Danglars doesn’t get to slink off after losing his fortune.  Fernand doesn’t bite his own bullet just because he happens to feel bad at the end.  No.  They all go down.  Every.  Single.  One.  That’s the ending I celebrate.

Still, Dumas, even at his softest, deserves nothing but awe.  The man was a magician, telling timeless stories while also bedding half of Europe and shaking hands with history itself.  (The guy once fought a duel once over a nasty theater review.)

So here’s to you, Monsieur Dumas.  Your words have outlived you by centuries, and your spirit will linger long after we’re all dust.  Raising a glass in your honor, and maybe, just maybe, plotting a hypothetical alternate Dantès ending where nobody gets forgiven and every wrong is avenged tenfold.  Cheers to a legend.

N.P.: “That Death Cannot Touch” – The Black Queen

Seems like the last week or so has been a busy week or big-name literary births and deaths and such, does it not, dear reader?  Maybe it’s just me.  But the proverbial hits, as they say, just keep on coming.  Today, July 21, we hoist our glasses, sloshing with the good stuff (with the good stuff today being defined as a big fuck-off bottle of Dark Hedges Irish Whiskey…I’m about to find out how good it is), to the indomitable, beard-shadowed colossus of America letters, Ernest Hemingway, born this day in 1899.  The man carved his stories from the raw meat of existence, bloodied his knuckles on the world, and left us prose so lean it could cut glass.

I felt that paragraph deserve a snort of Whiskey…first impressions: burns a bit…a little raspy going down.  But it will clearly get the job done.  So now please join me, dear reader: pour one out, preferably something that burns going down, and let’s get to it.

Hemingway was a one-man war zone, a walking manifesto of grit and gusto.  Born in Oak Park, Illinois, he didn’t waste time sipping tea with the bourgeoisie.  By 17, he was banging out copy for the Kansas City Star, learning to strip sentences to their bones – short, sharp, true.  That style, that relentless economy of words, became his machete, hacking through the jungle of horseshit that passes for literature.  To wit:

• The Sun Also Rises – More of a bullfight than a book, all blood and dust and broken hearts in Pamplona.  This 1926 novel follows Jake Barnes, a war-wounded expat journalist nursing a literal and figurative impotence, as he drifts through the booze-soaked cafés of Paris and the sun-scorched fiestas of Spain.  He’s tangled up with Lady Brett Ashley, a magnetic, reckless beauty who loves him but can’t stay faithful, and a crew of disillusioned drifters – lost souls of the Lost Generation.  They drink, they bitch at each other, they chase bullfights and heartbreak, all while grappling with the emptiness of a world that’s been shot to hell.  It’s a story about longing you can’t satisfy, purpose you can’t find, and the cruel grace of just keeping on.  Hemingway’s sparse prose makes every glance, every drink, every bull’s charge feel like a wound you didn’t see coming.  [A second slug of the Dark Hedges…burns less than the first one, which is usually how these things go.  Less of a shock to the system.]
• A Farewell to Arms – A love story that kicks you in the teeth and leaves you gasping.  Set against the chaotic Italian front of World War I, it’s the tale of Frederic Henry, an American ambulance driver who falls hard for Catherine Barkley, a British nurse with a past as haunted as the war-torn landscape.  Their romance is desperate, all-in, a fleeting sanctuary amid the mud, blood, and betrayal of war.  Of course, Hemingway doesn’t do bullshitty fairy tales – love gets battered by shellfire, bureaucracy, and fate’s cold indifference.  When the couple flees to Switzerland, the story’s liver-kick of an ending reminds you that life doesn’t owe you a happy ending, just the strength to face the wreckage.
• For Whom the Bell Tolls – Robert Jordan, a Montana dynamiter, joins a gang of Spanish guerrillas fighting Franco’s fascists in the Civil War.  His mission is to blow a bridge to stop the enemy’s advance.  Over four days, he grapples with love (enter Maria, a survivor with fire in her eyes), loyalty, and the ticking clock of mortality.  The title, cribbed from John Donne, says it all: no man’s an island, and every death chips away at us all.

But let us not, as you might in some other lit classes, get lost in the canon.  Hemingway’s life was the real novel – louder, messier, and more alive than any page could hold.  The man drove ambulances in World War I, got himself blown up and still crawled back for more.  He hunted big game in Africa, fished marlin that could swallow your ego whole, and boxed like he was settling scores with God.  He drank like a pirate, caroused in Parisian cafés, and turned Key West into his personal fiefdom of whiskey and words.  He did time in Cuba, slinging daiquiris and stories with equal swagger.  He jumped into Spain’s Civil War, dodging bullets and scribbling almost surreal dispatches.  And yeah, the man had flaws – big, jagged ones.  He could be a prick, a chauvinist, a violent storm of ego and insecurity.  But what writer isn’t at some (or most) points?  Four wives, countless feuds, and a temper that could torch a room.  But so what?  Who wants a saint?  Saints don’t stare into the abyss and come back with The Old Man and the Sea.  That book, that lone fisherman battling the ocean’s wrath, is Hemingway distilled – stubborn, solitary, and unyielding, even when the sharks come circling.

Gen Zers tend not to get it.  They tend to stare with stunning jadedness and mumble something about how “the world has changed.”  We’re drowning in tweets and memes, and Papa’s iceberg theory, where seven-eighths of the story lurks beneath the surface, feels like a relic.  But fuck them.  Hemingway’s still relevant, still dangerous.  In a world fat and bloated with hot takes and clickbait, his clarity is a switchblade.  And his life is a reminder to live hard, love fiercely, and write like your heart’s on fire, even if it leaves you scarred.

So here’s to you, Ernest…on your 126th birthday, we’re raising a glass of Dark Hedges, no ice, no apologies.  Happy birthday, Papa.  Keep swinging in the great barroom brawl of eternity.

Now, dear reader – go read A Moveable Feast, chase it with a shot of absinthe, and write something that’d make Hemingway nod from the great beyond.  Or at least spill some booze in his honor.  Cheers.

N.P.: “Bottle With Your Name On It” – Thomas Rhett