Apologies for my absence here yesterday, dear reader.  The whole day was nuts.

It began, as the best catastrophes do, with a mission of supposed sincerity and not nearly enough plausible deniability.  I was meeting Boochie for the express purpose of breaking the news – no Governor of California run, not for me, no way, not in this disastrous calamity of a state.

“Balls!” he said when I first told him.  “I thought that Kamala not running would be all the greenlight you’d need.”  I explained to him gently that what I really wanted to do was fight Governor Newsom, and since he’s not running in 2026, I wouldn’t even get a chance to debate him in a gubernatorial election.  Instead, I was throwing my questionable political capital behind Steve Hilton, because if you can’t be the candidate, at least endorse the guy who wears better shoes and probably doesn’t keep an emergency bottle of whiskey in his glove compartment.  So there’s that.

But you try explaining political strategy to a man three-quarters of the way through a bottle of something that tasted like the secretions of a vengeful forest spirit.  Boochie’s grin was all teeth and impending litigation, the rictus of either a prophet hallucinating the cosmos or a rat about to chew through a power line.

I delivered my little non-campaign speech, complete with what I though was sincere gravity, and Boochie blinked at me over the rim of a glass so dirty it may have predated refrigeration.

“So we’re not getting rich off graft and lobbyists.  What do we do now?  We should form a band.  Serious.  We need to make some real money.”

It’s a fact universally acknowledged – but rarely celebrated – that drunken logic breeds the great ventures of our age.  The scene: a particularly derelict dive in Fair Oaks where the paint flakes had both more character and less mold than most of the clientele.  The jukebox, naturally, seemed to be looping a twelve-minute opus that sounded suspiciously like a missile strike.

“The problem,” Boochie mused, ignoring that I had never asked, “is one of texture.  Of sonic grit.”  Modern music, he raged, had all the substance of a gluten-free communion wafer and all the bite of a neutered Yorkie.  His gesticulations nearly decapitated a man who may or may not have been part of the original construction crew of this shithole.

Meanwhile, I was deep in contemplation, deciphering an extremely crude cocktail menu that seemed equal parts alchemy and cry for help.  My notes from the evening, if you can call the napkin I later found fused to my wallet a journal, dwell in the realm of the tragicomic: “The existential dread of a dropped olive.”  If Kierkegaard had access to better olives, Danish philosophy would be very different.

There, amid the wreckage of my nascent political career and the sticky floor mosaic of spilled spirits, the fateful suggestion bloomed.  Boochie, drunk on somewhere between capitalism and literal gasoline, wanted a band.  A proper moneymaking operation.  Not just another yowling indie outfit doomed to obscurity, but something abrasive, unignorable, actively hostile to decency and taste – a sonic cleansing with a belt sander.  An industrial band.

“But the name,” Boochie slurred with entrepreneurial verve, “It’s gotta haunt people.  You want ’em to choke on their own curiosity.”

We plowed through suggestions like the local wild turkeys pecking at a landfill.  “Satan’s Power Drill.”  “Asbestos Nursery.”  “Cyborg Death Wish.”  All disqualified for either legal reasons or insufficient shock to the cardiovascular system.  I even through out “Bootie Juice,” which, if I ever started a funk band (which I’ve always wanted to do, real talk), but he vetoed it: “I do like ‘Boochie Juice, though…but not for this project.”  Alas.  And then, like a message from the universe’s deeply problematic uncle, it appeared: “We Want Children For Dinner”

The silence that followed could have been bottled and sold to Scandinavian nihilists.  Even the ancient crypt-keeper in the corner roused, possible from the afterlife.  The jukebox sputtered and died in shame.

It was the apex (or, more appropriately, the nadir) of bad taste – a perfect, monstrous idea.  It implied headline news, missing persons reports, a culinary theme better suited for litigation than lunch.  But it also sounded like money.  Or so Boochie insisted, and at that moment, with sobriety negotiating a surrender, I wasn’t equipped to disagree.

Handshakes.  Terrible vows.  An oath sworn over the ruins of a night that shouldn’t be immortalized but probably will be.  The post-midnight adventures unraveled predictably: a philosophical spat with a parking meter, the futile pursuit of tacos in a city hostile to dreams, a dissertation-level debate over whether squirrels can experience ennui.

Morning arrived like a SWAT team.  Skull pounding, tongue coated in oxidized pennies, I excavated from the disaster-area Safe House a napkin.  On it: “First album title: Lullabies for the Abattoir.”  Lordy.  We may not have a government to run, but apparently, we’ve got a band to start – or, more accurately, a creepy financial venture and a murder of hangovers to outlast.  Who knows?  In this world, only the deeply unserious have a fighting chance.

But never mind all that.  Today, August 28th, is a day of cosmic convergence, a chronological pile-up of such staggering, brain-melting significance that it makes you wonder if the universe is just a high-concept practical joke scripted by a committee of high-as-fuck philosophy majors.  On this day, two absolute titans were shot into this mortal coil, separated by a mere 168 years but spiritually joined at the hip like some kind of weird, metaphysical, world-building conjoined twin.

I’m talking, of course, about Johann Wolfgang von Goethe and Jack “The King” Kirby.

Yes, you heard that right.  The German Übermensch of letters, the dude who gave us Faust and basically invented the modern goth concept of feeling all your feelings in a very dramatic, poetic way.  And the King of Comics, the human dynamo from the Lower East Side who drew gods and monsters with a pencil stub, birthing entire universes crackling with cosmic energy dots, a.k.a. Kirby Krackle.  It’s the literary equivalent of pairing a fine, aged Riesling with a fistful of Pop Rocks.  And it is glorious.

Let’s start with Goethe, born way back in 1749.  Dude was a one-man Enlightenment party.  He was a poet, a playwright, a novelist, a scientist who argued about the nature of light, and probably, if you checked his journals, a surprisingly good clog dancer.  He penned The Sorrows of Young Werther, a novel so emotionally potent it allegedly sparked a wave of copycat suicides across Europe, making him the original influencer of bespoke misery.  Then he drops Faust, a story about a guy who sells his soul to the devil for unlimited knowledge and, let’s be honest, a better social life.  It’s a sprawling, impossibly dense masterpiece that I, having failed to get to it earlier in the semester, once tried to read in a single weekend.  The attempt left me questioning my own sanity and the structural integrity of the English language itself.  Goethe was operating on a level of pure, uncut genius that most of us can only squint at from a safe distance.

Then, fast-forward to 1917.  The world is a different kind of chaotic, and out of this industrial grinder pops Jacob Kurtzberg, soon to be known as Jack Kirby.  While Goethe was wrestling with existential dread in iambic pentameter, Kirby was busy creating a new mythology with ink and pulp paper.  Captain America punching Hitler in the jaw?  That was jack.  The Fantastic Four, a dysfunctional family with superpowers bickering their way across the galaxy?  Jack.  Thor, the Silver Surfer, the New Gods, Darkseid – all modern archetypes, splashed onto the page with an explosive, kinetic force.  He art was much more than just “drawings” – they were detonations.  Every panel is a testament to raw, untethered imagination.  His figures are all barrel chests and impossible angles that lesser artists are still trying to rip off today.  He gave us a visual language for the sheer, pants-wetting awe of the cosmos, all while chain-smoking a cigar and meeting impossible deadlines.

So what, you might ask, dear reader, besides a shared birthday, connects the Weimar classicist with the King of comics?  Everything.  Both were architects of worlds.  Both stared into the abyss of the human condition – the struggle for knowledge, the temptation of power, the clash between gods and mortals – and wrestled it onto the page.  Goethe gave us Mephistopheles, the charming, urbane demon whispering deals in our ears.  Kirby gave us Galactus, the planet-eater, a force of nature so vast it rendered mortality irrelevant.  They were both dealing with the same big-ticket questions, just using different toolkits.

So tonight, let’s raise a glass.  To Goethe, for making existential despair so eloquent.  And to Kirby, for showing us that the universe is a weird, wonderful, and often violent place filled with gods who look suspiciously like they spend a lot of time at the gym.  Happy birthday to both of you.  Thanks for making reality a little more interesting.  The hangover will be worth it.  Probably.

N.P.: “Bob George” – JaGoFF

Well, hell, dear reader…it’s Monday again.  Today we’re faceplanting into the chaotic intersection where fate decided to play cosmic jukebox with two literary badasses.  August 25 – a date that should be etched in bourbon and typewriter ribbon – gave us both a literary assassin’s birth cry in 1938 and watched a literary butterfly’s final flutter in 1984.

Frederick Forsyth slithered into existence on this very day, though he probably emerged from the womb clutching a press pass and muttering something about covert operations in three languages.  Uncle Fred had the audacity to gift us The Day of the Jackal, which, and I’m not ashamed to admit this despite my well-documented pharmaceutical enthusiasm and questionable life choices – housed my second-favorite literary character during those formative years when I was still young enough to believe adults knew what they were doing.

The Jackal, that ice-cold professional with his meticulous attention to detail and his absolutely zero-fucks-given approach to geopolitics, captured something primal in my pre-adolescent imagination.  Here was a character who treated assassination like a particularly complex chess problem, complete with multiple identities, forged papers, and the kind of methodical precision that would make a Swiss watchmaker weep with envy.  The Count of Monte Cristo held the top spot, as you know – because what red-blooded vengeance-minded literary maniac doesn’t worship at the altar of Dumas’ revenge masterpiece – but The Jackal ran a damn close second.

This, oddly enough, came up in a talk I was having with my psychiatrist a couple of years back, when we were trying to untie the knot of some of my more unusual personality traits.  He wanted to know what it was about these characters [our discussion included a couple of other, similarly “dark” characters] that grabbed me by the intellectual throat.  After some thought, I told him it was their shared commitment to the long game, their willingness to subsume their entire existence into the service of a singular, magnificent obsession.  The Count had his decades-long revenge plot; The Jackal had his surgical approach to political elimination.  Both understood that true artistry requires patience, preparation, and an almost pathological attention to detail.  We’ll definitely be diving significantly deeper into all that in the book, so we’ll leave it there for now.  But if you haven’t, check out The Day of the Jackal, if you’re into dispassionate badassery.

While Forsyth was celebrating another year of breathing on this planet in 1984, Truman Capote – that brilliant, tortured, fabulous wreck of literary genius – was taking his final bow.  August 25th, 1984, marked the end of a man who had revolutionized non-fiction with In Cold Blood and scandalized high society with Answered Prayers.

Capote died at 59, which in literary years is basically infancy – especially considering the prodigious amounts of chemical enhancement many of us require just to function at baseline creativity levels.  The man who gave us Holly Golightly and redefined true crime narrative structure succumbed to what the medical establishment politely called “liver disease due to multiple drug intoxication,” which is basically doctor-speak for “he had Too Much Fun.”

The beautiful irony isn’t lost on me: on the same calendar date, we celebrate the birth of a master of cold, calculated fiction and mourn the death of a master of warm, devastating truth.  Forsyth gave us The Jackal – methodical, emotionally detached, professionally lethal.  Capote gave us characters who bled authentic human messiness all over the page, who made us feel things we weren’t entirely comfortable feeling.

Both men understood something fundamental about the writing life: sometimes you have to become someone else entirely to tell the truth.  Forsyth disappeared into his research, becoming a journalistic chameleon who could write about international intrigue with the authority of someone who’d actually lived it.  Capote disappeared into his subjects’ lives, becoming so intimately connected to Perry Smith and Dick Hickock that their story became indistinguishable from his own psychological journey.

And maybe that’s what drew me to The Jackal all those decades ago – not just the character’s professional competence, but the recognition that great art, requires a kind of controlled schizophrenia, a willingness to fragment yourself across multiple identities in service of the story.  Every writer worth their whiskey knows this feeling: the moment when you stop being yourself and start being the conduit for something larger, stranger, and infinitely more dangerous than your normal, everyday consciousness.

So here’s to August 25th, a collision of literary birth and death.  Here’s to Forsyth, who, unfortunately, passed on June 9th of this year.  And here’s to Capote, who burned out but never faded away.  And here’s to The Jackal, that cold-blooded professional who taught a young reader that sometimes the most compelling characters are the ones who’ve learned to disappear completely into their work.

After all, isn’t that what we’re all trying to do?  Disappear so completely into our craft that what emerges isn’t us anymore, but something infinitely more interesting?
[Raises glass of something appropriately destructive]
To the professionals, living and dead.  May their aim always be true.

N.P.: “Late Night Call” – Goblin, Alan Howarth, Retrofuture

Happy Saturday, my dearest reader.  Yesterday I was pulled away from the Dissolute Desk on urgent government business, and I regrettably missed an important day on the D.P.S. calendar.  Yesterday, August 22nd, was the day the cosmos decided to bless us with one Raymond Douglas Bradbury.  And I, due to the aforementioned government business resulting in a catastrophic failure of my moral obligations to the literary gods, completely and utterly whiffed it.  Blew past it like a bat out of some very strange and beautifully rendered hell.

One hundred and five years, or thereabouts, since the man first started inhaling oxygen.  And where was I?  Engaged in some deeply unimpressive, bureaucratic rescue mission.  How embarrassing.  The sheer, uncut, high-octane shame of it all is a heavy coat, dear reader.  I’ve missed deadlines, flights, and the occasional dental appointment, but missing the birth-date of the guy who basically invented the poignant sci-fi liver kick?  That feels like a special category of personal failing, a stain on my already questionable permanent record, governmental callings be damned.

To be clear, we’re talking about the architect of Fahrenheit 451, a book so prescient it feels less like fiction and more like a user manual for the last decade.  He’s the guy who took the simple, Rockwellian canvas of the American Midwest and splattered it with alien loneliness and the quiet terror of a passing carnival.  He saw the future, not as a chrome-plated utopia of flying cars, but as a place of profound human longing, where technology mostly just gave us newer, more efficient ways to be sad and isolated.  And he did it all with prose that could make a poet weep.

To have built entire worlds – worlds that are now permanently etched onto the collective cerebral cortex of anyone with a library card and a soul – and for some over-caffeinated scribe to neglect to raise a glass on the proper day…well, it’s a cosmic joke of the highest order.  A real something-wicked-this-way-comes level of disregard.

I picture Ray, somewhere out in the great, starry expanse he wrote about so lovingly, looking down and shaking his head.  Not in anger, but with that signature blend of knowing sadness and wry amusement.  He’d probably get it.  He understood human folly better than anyone.  He knew we were all just a bunch of flawed, forgetful apes running around, trying our best not to burn the books or miss the important things.

So here it is, 24 hours late and a dollar short: Happy Birthday, Ray.  Thanks for the Martians, the witches, and the firemen.  Thanks for making us look at the stars and feel a little less alone, and a little more terrified, all at once.  I’ll be over here, trying to recalibrate my entire existence and setting approximately 17 alarms for next year.  Forgive me.  Or don’t.  You’ve earned the right to be picky.

N.P.: “Let It All Go” – Beats Antique, Preservation Hall Jazz Band

Guess what today is, dear reader.  Well, yeah, smart ass…it’s August 20th.  But do you know the significance?  Today we are celebrating the birth of a man who somehow managed to make tentacles terrifying long before Japanese pop culture turned them into something else entirely – though let’s be honest, Howard Phillips Lovecraft probably would have found that particular cultural evolution more horrifying than anything he ever conjured up in his fever dreams of non-Euclidean geometry and cities that shouldn’t exist but absolutely do in the space between your third drink and your fourth panic attack.

And yes, before you ask, I am already three whiskeys deep into this tribute, because how else does one properly commemorate the birthday of a guy who spent his entire literary career essentially screaming “THE UNIVERSE IS INDIFFERENT TO YOUR EXISTENCE AND ALSO THERE ARE FISH PEOPLE” at anyone within earshot?

The thing about Howard – and I’m calling him Howard because we’re birthday buddies now, cosmically speaking – is that he possessed this absolutely deranged ability to take the fundamental anxiety of existing in a universe that makes no sense whatsoever (which, let’s face it, it pretty much the human condition distilled to its purest essence) and transform it into prose so dense with subordinate clauses and baroque descriptive passages that reading it becomes its own kind of madness-inducing experience, a literary equivalent of staring directly into the abyss while the abyss files your taxes incorrectly and charges you late fees.

Dig, if you will (and you will, because I’m not giving you a choice here), the sheer audacity of a man who looked at the conventional horror tropes of his era – your garden variety ghosts, vampires, werewolves, things that go bump in the night and occasionally demand your lunch money – and said, “No, thank you, I’ll take cosmic insignificance with a side of tentacles and an extra serving of geometry that makes mathematicians weep.”  This is a writer who made angles scary.  Fucking angles!  Try explaining that so someone at a party.  Try explaining that to someone at a party.  I’ve tried, and it went something like this: “Well, you see, it’s not just any angle, it’s a non-Euclidean angle, which means it exists in ways that shouldn’t be possible, and also it’s probably connected to an ancient god-thing that regards humanity the way you regard the bacteria living in your kitchen sponge.”

But here’s where it gets deliciously absurd (and by delicious, I mean the kind of delicious that makes you questions your life choices while simultaneously reaching for another drink): Lovecraft, this master of cosmic horror, this architect of existential dread, was apparently afraid of air conditioning.  The man who created Cthulhu – a creature so cosmically horrifying that merely glimpsing it drives people insane – was reportedly intimidated by modern technology to the point where he probably would have had a complete nervous breakdown if confronted with a smartphone notification.

The irony is so thick you could cut it with a sword forged in the fires of Azathoth’s blind idiot piping (which, for the non-English majors, is basically Lovecraft’s way of saying “really, really hot”), and yet somehow this contradiction makes perfect sense when you consider that his entire literary project was essentially an elaborate exploration of the terror that comes from realizing you don’t understand the world you’re living in – which, when you think about it, is exactly how most of us feel when trying to figure out why our Wi-Fi stopped working or why our car is making that weird noise that definitely wasn’t there yesterday but night have been there for months and we just now noticed it because we finally turned off the radio.

And let’s talk about that prose style for a moment.  Because reading Lovecraft is like being trapped in a very erudite Nyquil dream where every sentence contains at least 17 dependent clauses, three semicolons, and at least one reference to something that sounds vaguely geological but is actually a sleeping god whose dreams are responsible for that recurring nightmare you have about showing up to work in your underwear, except in this case your underwear is made of cosmic horror and your workplace is a dimension that exists perpendicular to reality.

The man wrote sentences so labyrinthine that getting to the end of one feels like completing a particularly challenging obstacle course designed by someone who studied both architecture and madness with equal dedication, which is to say that by the time you reach the period, you’ve forgotten not only where the sentence began but also your own name, your social security number, and whether or not you remembered to feed your cat this morning (spoiler alert: you didn’t, and now your cat is plotting you demise with the same cold calculation that Nyarlathotep  brings to his role as the Crawling Chaos).

But here’s the thing that gets me, the thing that makes me raise my glass (again) to old Howard on this, his birthday: despite all the cosmic pessimism, despite the fundamental belief that humanity is essentially a cosmic accident that will be forgotten as soon as the starts align correctly and the Old Ones wake up from their Really Long Nap, despite the prose style that requires a graduate degree in recursive sentence structure just to parse – despite all of this, there’s something weirdly optimistic about the whole enterprise.

Because think about it: Lovecraft spent his entire career imagining horrors so vast and incomprehensible that they make our daily anxieties seem laughably insignificant by comparison.  Worried about your mortgage?  Well, at least Yog-Sothoth isn’t trying to manifest through your bathroom mirror.  Stressed about some deadline at work?  Could be worse…you could be a character in “The Colour Out of Space” watching your entire family slowly dissolve into something that probably violates several laws of physics.

It’s horror as therapy, cosmic dread as a form of perspective-checking, existential terror as a weird kind of comfort food for people who find regular comfort food insufficiently terrifying and also lacking in tentacles.

And yes, we have to acknowledge that Howard had some serious issues with, well, pretty much everyone who wasn’t a white Anglo-Saxon Protestant living in New England circa 1920, which is to say that his personal brand of cosmic horror came with a heft side order of terrestrial horror that was, frankly, way more horrifying than anything involving fish people or dream dimensions, because at least the fish people had the decency to be fictional.

But here’s where literature gets weird and complicated and sometimes beautiful in spite of itself: somehow, through the alchemy of time and cultural evolution and the strange way that stories take on lives of their own once they’re released into the world, Lovecraft’s cosmic nightmares have become a kind of shared language for anyone who’s ever felt overwhelmed by the sheer incomprehensible vastness of existence – which is to say, anyone who’s ever been alive and paying attention for more than five consecutive minutes.

His creatures and concepts have escaped their original context and become metaphors for everything from corporate bureaucracy to social media algorithms to the general feeling of being a tiny, confused biological entity trying to make sense of a universe that operates according to rules nobody bother to explain to you and also the rulebook is written in a language that doesn’t exist and even if it did exist, it would probably drive you insane just to read it.

So here’s to you, Howard Phillips Lovecraft, on this sweltering August 20th, your birthday and mine to celebrate: thank you for taking the fundamental weirdness of being alive and cranking it up to eleven, then breaking off the volume knob and feeding it to something with too many teeth and not enough regard for the laws of physics.

Thank you for showing us that sometimes the best way to deal with the incomprehensible vastness of existence is to imagine it’s even more incomprehensible and vastly more vast than we originally thought, and also it has tentacles and probably wants to eat our dreams.

Thank you for proving that you can write sentences so complex that they become their own form of cosmic horror, where the real monster isn’t some ancient god sleeping beneath the ocean but the dangling participle that’s been haunting your prose since paragraph three.

And thank you most of all for reminding us that in a universe full of Things That Should Not Be, sometimes the most radical act is to imagine Things That Really, Definitely Should Not Be, and then spend your entire life writing about them with the kind of obsessive dedication usually reserved for people who collect vintage bottle caps or know way too much about the genealogy of minor European nobility.

Happy birthday, you magnificent, troubled, utterly singular architect of nightmares.  May your non-Euclidean angles remain forever acute, may your Old Ones stay comfortably asleep for at least another few decades, and may your literary legacy continue to inspire writers to create sentences so grammatically complex that they require their own GPS system to navigate.

[Raises glass to the cosmic void, which probably isn’t paying attention but might be, which is somehow both more and less comforting than complete indifference]

Ph’nglui mglw’nath Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn – and also, happy birthday, Howard.  Thanks for making the universe just a little bit weirder, which is exactly what it needed.

N.P.: “Cthulhu” – Gunship