Top o’ the morning, dear reader.  Another overheated day in the Creek.  I shan’t bitch too much yet: it’s only supposed to be 95°F today, which, though misery-inducing enough, is a big pink titty compared to the triple digits that are coming.  So bitch I shan’t.  Besides, this year I have a secret weapon.  During the last few years, I’ve made some much-needed upgrades to The Safe House, the most recent being a new air-conditioning unit.  But this is not just any air-conditioning unit, dear reader.  This is the Chill-Mageddon X, and it is a total game-changer.  Built in Las Vegas, with the tagline “Colder Than Your Ex’s Black Heart,” these things are illegal in California.  But since I’m drinking buddies with the Mayor of Fecal Creek, and he owes me several favors, I was able to convince him to get the local regulators and code-enforcers to turn a blind eye to my particular installation, which was good, because the operation to get this big bastard into the backyard involved a freight helicopter and a crane.
I first heard about this thing when I was in Vegas two summers ago.  This was the ad:
Are you tired of sweating through your couch cushions? Does your ceiling fan feel more like a gentle sigh of disappointment? Enter the Chill-Mageddon X, the air-conditioning unit so powerful it makes glaciers jealous.
This beast doesn’t just cool your home; it over-delivers like your friend Karen who brings a four-tier cake to the potluck. The Chill-Mageddon X works overtime to annihilate heat. We’re talking arctic, penguin-friendly temperatures ON DEMAND. Hot summer? Horseshit! What summer? This bad boy can turn your living room into a perfectly chilled meat locker faster than you can say, “I’m melting.”
Features so ridiculous, you’ll think we’re kidding (we’re not):

• Nuclear-Level Chill Mode: Takes your space from “sweaty jungle” to “ski resort after-hours” in minutes.
• Frost Thrower Technology™: Ever wanted to see the cold? Watch frosty gusts blast out like a blizzard in a box.
• Smug Over-Achiever Thermostat: Keeps the temperature at a precise 61° because it can.
• Emergency Blizzard Mode: Heatwave? What heatwave? Your neighbors might be roasting, but you’ll be scraping ice off your TV.

With Chill-Mageddon X, gone are the days of opening your fridge just to feel alive. It’s time to stop negotiating with summer and declare all-out war on heat.
Warning: Side effects may include spontaneous snowball fights, confused houseplants, and never wanting to leave your home again.
Chill-Mageddon X: Bring on the snowpants, baby, because things are about to get COLD.

Needless to say, I was interested.  The ad encouraged anyone who was interest to visit the company’s website, which I did.  Holy monkey:

Introducing the Chill-Mageddon X, the air-conditioning unit that doesn’t cool so much as it declares an all-out Arctic invasion on your home. If you’re tired of living in a sauna where even your ice cubes won’t hold their shape, this beast of a machine is here to save the day—and your sweaty dignity.
Why Settle for Cool When You Can Have Sub-Zero?
The Chill-Mageddon X isn’t your run-of-the-mill AC unit. Oh no. This powerhouse transforms your living space into a sub-zero paradise faster than you can say, “Where’s my parka?” With its absurdly powerful Nuclear-Level Chill Mode, you’ll go from heatwave to Antarctica at midnight in mere minutes. Your houseplants might need counseling, but hey, sacrifices must be made.
Ridiculously Over-the-Top Features Include:

• Frost Thrower Technology™: Ever wondered what the Arctic wind feels like indoors? You’re about to find out. Watch as frosty gusts blast out like Mother Nature’s personal A/C revenge.
• Smug Over-Achiever Thermostat: Why settle for general comfort when you can nail down the perfect 61°? It’s precise, it’s smug, and it’s cooler than your cousin who lived in Iceland for a semester.
• Emergency Blizzard Mode: Because sometimes summer just refuses to chill. Prepare to out-freeze your entire neighborhood. Warning: may cause spontaneous snowdrifts in the hallway.
• Arctic Quiet Operation: It’s powerful enough to freeze time (almost), but somehow it’s quieter than your fridge. That’s right. Chill and Netflix without interruption.

Unbeatable Performance, Unreal Coolness
No fan? No problem. The Chill-Mageddon X laughs in the face of heatwaves, humidity, and whatever cruel jokes July throws at you. This is the unit that just gets you. It doesn’t believe in “good enough” cooling; it believes in “Why does my breath look frosty indoors?”
Live in Comfort. Or a Meat Locker. Your Choice.
Whether you’re in the middle of a heatwave or just want every day to feel like Polar Bear Appreciation Day, Chill-Mageddon X has your back. No more sweaty T-shirts, swamp ass, sleepless nights, or bargaining with an old box fan. You deserve better. You deserve Chill-Mageddon X.
Turn up the cold, turn down the drama. Summer never stood a chance.

Hot damn.  How could I turn that down?  Of course, with every glorious ad extolling the frigid virtues of the Chill-Mageddon X came the legal notice: Not available in California.  Ha, I said.  They said the same thing about Dragon’s Breath shotgun ammo, but I managed to get a few cases of those bad boys into Cali without much effort at all.  I visited the FAQ page of the website looking for info on the exact number of BTUs this bad boy spits out.  Their answer did not disappoint: The Chill-Mageddon X is so over-the-top, it spits out an infinite number of BTUs—enough to turn your living room into the North Pole! But if you need an exact number for legal reasons, it’s packing a whopping 50,000 BTUs.

That’ll work.  Unfortunately, however, this magnificent number of BTUs is also the reason the units are banned in California: the wattage drain caused by actually running the Chill-Mageddon X might be enough to bring the already fragile and antiquated California power grid crashing down.  Even if we go with the website’s likely conservative estimate of 50K BTUs, The CMX would likely require a massive amount of energy.  For context, a typical high-powered residential AC unit (around 24,000 BTUs) uses about 2000 watts per hour.  So the CMX might guzzle somewhere in the neighborhood of 5,000 watts per hour – basically, it’s the air-conditioning equivalent of a small space ship.  If, as I assume, the local grid isn’t prepared for this frosty juggernaut, the neighbors’ lights will certainly flicker when I hit “Blizzard Mode.”  Since the state is already on an electrical austerity plan (the last three summers have featured regular brownouts, rolling blackouts, and actual pleas and begging from the Governor to set all thermostats (business as well as residential) to 85°F and to please only charge your electric cars between the hours of 7a.m. and 8a.m.), this thing could potentially cause the entire West Coast grid to collapse.  If the CMX wasn’t banned, I would have given Fecal Creek Electric and Light a friendly heads-up before installation.  But as it is, I’ll likely have to purchase 7 or 8 back-up industrial generators.  I’m trying to brace myself for the electric bills that shall ensue: running this thing during peak summer months will likely make my electricity bill look like a phone number.  According to recent bills, we’re billed an average cost of $0.30 per kWh, running this beast for 8 hours a day could add $500 a month to our already confiscatory monthly bill.  But honestly, can you really put a price on living in a personal ice palace?  I may have to consider pairing the Chill-Mageddon X with solar panels or a wind-turbine.  Or I might charge the neighbors admission into my frosty oasis.  We’ll see.  I’ll keep you posted.

N.P.: “Spirit in the Sky” – Evol Walks