We go way back, dear reader, so I don’t have to tell you that I really don’t give a shit about most things. But I’ve only recently discovered the truly impressive power of telling people that you don’t give a shit about their cause. It’s magical.
It was a couple of weeks ago, and I was coming out of some grocery store somewhere just pissed off. I don’t even remember why, exactly, but I was in a mood, which is more than enough to keep most normal people away. But not this one idiot, who was outside begging for money for some high school athletic program or some such. He launched into his tired spiel, and I waved him off without breaking stride: “I don’t give a shit.” The look on his face was priceless. More importantly, he instantly shut up. Which is, typically, the goal. It was so effective (and also oh so satisfying), I decided to deploy it automatically no matter who was asking for what. I’ve since told 3-4 people who have asked me for money or signatures on a petition that I don’t give a shit, whatever it was they were championing. Of course, I do actually care about some things in the world, and some of the causes I said I don’t give a shit about are actually good and noble causes. But the cause is not really what I’m commenting on. My comment is directed at the person who actually woke up that morning and decided that they would go out and stop strangers on the street in the middle of their already busy day (i.e., me) and hassle them for money or time for some nebulous third-party cause which is unlikely to be at all changed by my dollar or my signature. More darkly, though, is that I have, in the past, been polite to these people, as most people are. Even when declining to donate/sign, most people smile, and nicely say no. Some even apologize (for what I don’t know, but they do). And more often than not, the person begging for money or signatures will keep going with their nonsense, which nobody appreciates. A flippantly dismissive “I don’t give a shit,” shuts the whole game down right there and then. The best is when you’re walking with a group of people who may or may not know you particularly well, and you get approached as a group. The others in the group will absolutely not want to be seen a some cold, uncaring, heartless bastard, especially not in front of each other, so they’ll start to smile and stop and listen…and they will have absolutely no idea how to process your “I don’t give a shit,” as you walk on without them, leaving them there to have to play the nice game with some do-gooder who is allegedly collecting money for whatever cause. They might think you’re a horrible person. I’m sure they thing that of me. But guess what? Yep: I don’t give a shit about that either. Seriously…it’s a matter of time before you figure out that I’m a horrible person…I’m just doing you a favor by getting you to that conclusion sooner rather than later.

N.P.: “Freaks Me Out (Blue Stahli Remix) – Collide

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