So when my Apple Watch started asking me questions about my physical characteristics, exercise habits, and overall health, I lied a bit.  i told it that it I am 4’8″ and weigh 585 lbs. But then I was honest about my exercise and caloric intake.  Then I told Siri to call me body-shaming names.  The result is that this thing thinks I’m some kind of medical miracle if I even get out of bed and get to the bathroom in the morning, and then delivers mixed and conflicted messages of encouraging derision throughout the day.  Here, for example, is what I was told as soon as I got out of bed this morning:

By the time I made it back to bed, I’d smashed 200% of all of my goals and this thing was issuing virtual medals and encouraging me to share my story on social media.  Which is quite an accomplishment.  I’m not sure exactly how much any one person can be expected to do in one day, but it seems like I was on the verge of overachieving.  On a Saturday.  Such a feat deserves a reward, so I decided to go back to sleep.  I mean, 200%.  I must have been exhausted.

N.P.: “I Stay Away” – Alice In Chains